Resoloution
by smartkid37
Summary: Having kept it all inside for so long now; Tim finally gets the chance to let it out. But, once he does; can Gibbs help him find his way back? Post - Requiem. Please Review. Mention of Adult Themes
1. Need to Escape

A/N: For the sake of this story; Dog Tags took place before Requiem.

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or it's Charactors.

**

* * *

**As they went thru the days following Gibbs' near-drowning; Tim watched Tony and Gibbs closely. He had always known that they were tight. Hell, they'd been working together; depending on each other; saving each other from the bad-asses they dealt with; for 3 years before he had even come around! But,now? Now things were different in much more obvious ways.

Tim had noticed the difference for a while now; but Gibbs' near-death had brought those differences into much sharper focus for him; the one left out; no longer needed. Before Tony had rescued Gibbs from drowning; Tim had been growing steadily more and more concerned. Now? Now, he was downright worried; for his boss; for his co-worker; but mostly for himself. The more frequent and more meaningful looks between those two; as well as the way they were more openly concerned for one another out in the field and in the office; the almost secret smiles; the looks between those two that spoke with more volume than their spoken conversations; had not gone unnoticed..

While Tim felt more shut out every day by both Gibbs and Tony; it was feeling it from his surrogate father that hurt the most; cut the deepest; undermined everything he had felt good about in himself since he had joined this team. Almost daily; Tim felt the cold seeming to radiate from them towards himself. On more occasions than he could count; Tim had heard them laugh at something he had done or said; or not done or said; when they didn't think he could hear or see. It seemed to come from both Gibbs and Tony; like he was just somebody to be tolerated now. All of it added up to bad vibes for Tim and he was at a point where he almost hated coming to work anymore.

It all made sense now; which actually brought Tim a sense of relief. It had taken him a while to figure it out; add it all up. But, now he knew he wasn't totally losing his mind. Whether or not Gibbs and or Tony realized it; Tim had figured their relationship out already. It wasn't a secret to him. He was glad he had realized it in a quiet; non-geekish way. He didn't let it be known that he knew; in fact; he was secretly hoping that Gibbs and Tony hadn't yet realized that he knew. It seemed safer that way. Safer for whatever was left of his position on the team; if he even still had one; that bore any merit anyway. Tim was extremely careful not to let on that he knew. He refused to say anything to anyone about it. And since most of what he was struggling with daily involved this "Non-disclosure" situation; Tim's emotions were both bottled up and boiling. He had lost something invaluable and treasured and damn it; it hurt like hell. The worst sting of it was; he couldn't talk to anyone about it. No one at all. There would be too many repercussions that he was not willing to bring down on anyone; no matter how hurt or pissed at them he was. It wasn't in his character to ruin someone like that.

It had taken Tim a long time to feel like he was really and truly a valued member of this team; and now; he had lost that feeling. He no longer felt that feeling of being part of a family that looked out for each other; more like a "red-headed step-child"; an outsider looking in; looking into a close-knit family. The bond didn't even come close to covering him; or even being extended to him. That feeling; that sense of belonging; security; had slipped away; had been tugged away; bit by bit; a little more each day; the stronger Gibbs and Tony's relationship became; the harder that feeling; that security was tugged away from Tim's grasp.

This, in turn; led Tim to become more withdrawn; back into the shell; Gibbs and Tony (and Kate; God rest her soul); had helped him shed years before. Tim had managed to resurrect it; piece by emotional piece; the joking had stopped; the joining anyone for lunch or after work had dried up; the joining in surrounding conversations that didn't deal with the case at hand; gone!

Tim had no more patience for any of that. He could barely handle getting thru the long days and never-ending late nights on the job. Going home time; was the only time Tim felt like he could breathe.

Tim had become so beaten down with the weight of no longer feeling like he was a part of "the team" that he was starting to lose both his appetite and his ability to sleep. After noticing over a period of a month; that he had spent more nights awake at his computer than he had asleep in his bed; he stopped to figure out what he should do. Fearing that it was all due to over-thinking things; Tim resolved to carry out the plan he had come up with.

Five O'Clock Monday morning found Tim already at his desk at work putting step one in his plan in motion. Steadily he typed away at his request for three days off. He had given this a lot of thought. Tim didn't want to push his luck; but he knew he needed more than 1 day to clear his head; and to be missed from the team; if that was even possible any more. Tim had thought about only putting in for 2 days; he knew that the probability of Gibbs approving that was much higher. But, he had reached the point where he was ready to push some boundaries; step out of his comfort zone and push Gibbs' buttons just a hair. Ready to test just how much he was or wasn't' needed here; Tim went ahead with requesting the three days. He needed the answers this unusual request would hopefully bring. If Gibbs approved the 3 days leave; it would be proof positive that Tim was indeed; no longer a necessary part of this team.

When he got to the question of _"Reason for Request";_ well, Tim had given that a lot of thought too. He decided to keep it down to the one answer he knew Gibbs wouldn't refuse; "Down Time". Based on past experience with Gibbs; Tim knew that this reason worked well with his "marine tough" boss.. Gibbs may be a hard-ass of a boss; but even he understood the need for a break. Tim knew that Gibbs took his agents request for "Down Time"; very seriously. Until two years ago; everyone on Team Gibbs had just kept going and going until they were ready to snap; that is until Gibbs had put his foot down and demanded that they start owning up to their need for their "D.T." before it was too late; before an investigation got sloppy or worse; someone got hurt. Since neither outcome was tolerated by Team Gibbs; the "D.T Request Rule" had been set down in stone.

Tim had only used this reason for a leave request on only two occasions since Gibbs set down that rule. Both times, however; Tim had talked to him about it before putting in the request. This time; well, this time was different. Tim had no intention of talking to him about it; any of it. All he could do was cross his fingers and hope that Gibbs wouldn't catch that difference in this request. Tim wasn't hopeful enough about it to hold his breath on it though. It was a huge difference in Tim's eyes; would it even be a glimmer of one in Gibbs'?

By five thirty; Tim had his request completely filled out and signed; sitting turned over on Gibbs' desk. He stored his backpack under his desk; locked his computer and went for coffee in the break room. Tim didn't feel like leaving the building; so the coffee shop stuff would be sacrificed for this morning. He wanted to be back at his desk, working; before Gibbs got in. Or did he? Maybe it would be better if he took his time getting coffee and gave the man time to see his request and think on it; without him being present to yell at? Yeah; Tim decided; giving Gibbs time to think before reacting in person; would probably be in his best interests.

When he headed back to the squad room 20 minutes later; it was; as he had hoped; to find Gibbs already at his desk; apparently reading Tim's request. Thankfully, Tim hadn't actually entered the squad room fully. He managed to stop where he figured he could see Gibbs; gage his reaction; without being seen. It would help him "possibly" see what was coming in response to his request. His gut was telling him; this wasn't gonna be as easy as he had hoped. Even remembering that he had rarely asked for leave for this purpose; didn't bolster Tim's hopes.

Gibbs left Tony asleep, as he usually did; to come in early. Tony functioned better with more sleep than the few hours of sleep that Gibbs required. Gibbs got more done coming in early and it helped him keep tabs on the rest of the team; allowing him to see them when they first got to the squad room; helped him gage their moods for the day; enabled him to possibly catch if something was wrong with their world. It was a small window into who they are and it was the only one he had any control over. Most days he stood where they didn't realize he was watching; so they never thought anyone was looking as they came off the elevator to their desks. First impressions were very valuable.

He never expected to find something new on his desk from one of his own team members. He was usually the last one to leave at night. Gibbs knew he had been the last one to leave last night. Even though yesterday was Sunday; the team had come in to finish up a case. So, whatever was on his desk could not be good. Turning the document over, having gotten comfortable in his chair and taken in enough coffee to hopefully deal with whatever this was he would be looking at; Gibbs read the paper. Apparently, he needed to read it again; because there was no way he was seeing what his eyes were telling him he was seeing! Gibbs re-read the Leave Request. He read it a third time. Finally, he gave up hoping he had read it wrong and put it down in front of him. Removing his glasses and massaging his temples; Gibbs let his mind run thru the thoughts coming thru.

Here it was bright and early on a Monday morning and obviously Tim had made it into work before even Gibbs had! Gibbs had been surprised to note Tim's Leave Request was date stamped for this morning; time stamped for 05:15 AM? _Jeez; was his agent not sleeping as well as not talking to anyone? Gibbs wondered. "If Tim's this upset about something that he won't talk about it; he's distancing himself from all of us; and now he's requesting this "Down time" then… wait a minute!"_ Gibbs picked up the Leave Request again;

"_3 days? Tim's requesting 3 days? And isn't this the 1st time Tim's put in a request for __**this**__ type of leave without talking to me about what was going on first?"_ Gibbs could hardly wrap his mind around these questions running thu it.

Alarm bells were ringing louder than a 5-Alarm fire in Gibbs' head. _"Something big is happening and damn it; Tim's gonna talk to me before he's given any leave to deal with whatever this is about on his own! Tim should know me better than that!"_ Gibbs silently fumed.

Forcing himself to take a deep breath; Gibbs brought his emotions in check. _"Think, Marine!"_ Gibbs lectured himself. _Somebody needs to reach out to that young man_. DING! A light bulb went on in Gibbs' head. _Was that the problem? Has anyone tried to reach out to Tim about what's going on with him; other than to __**demand**__ that he talk to them? Probably not!_

Tim, Gibbs had noticed; had been withdrawing slowly but surely back into his shell. They hadn't seen that shell in a very long time. Tony and Kate (God rest her soul) had brought Tim out of it; helped him toughen up; mature; and realize he was part of their family. Gibbs knew that he had played the part of the "tough guy- Dad" who didn't want to be bothered with their squabbles or their emotional issues; but he had also tried hard to make sure Tim knew that Gibbs cared about him and how he was doing as a person; not just a member of his team.

But, now? For some reason; over the last several months; Tim had barely tolerated any of them. Even Abby was finding it hard to relate to him; talk to him even. Gibbs had listened to her rant and rave about Tim's aloofness too many times to keep track. Ziva had not mentioned it; but Gibbs could see it in her eyes whenever she attempted to talk to McGee. She had noticed it too. Gibbs hadn't mentioned it to Tony; he already knew that Tony had noticed it for himself. He'd seen the way Tony would look hard at McGee while McGee was studiously typing away at his computer or talking case related stuff on the phone; it had become obvious to all of them.

Something big was eating at Tim and it was serious enough that he wouldn't talk to anyone about it. It was that silence that worried Gibbs the most. Tim; whose expressive eyes really were "the windows to his soul" had gotten better at not being quite so expressive. And Gibbs knew for a fact that Tim had stopped confiding in any of them. He no longer talked to Ducky; even. But, Abby? Tim used to tell Abby everything! And now, he wouldn't even talk to her about anything that was not case related.

Gibbs realized Tony had been focused on recovering from his ordeal of having to save both Gibbs and Maddie; with his compromised lung history; they'd had to be careful. He was also caught up in building his relationship with Gibbs. Gibbs, himself had been focused on pretty much the same thing. Ziva, in all probability, had given up any attempts to talk to McGee. She wasn't one to push if it was obvious her attempts were not welcome. Abby, bless her heart; would have been hurt deeply enough after the first few attempts to talk to him; she would have given up trying, too. Ducky; bless his heart; wasn't one to put his nose out there to be knocked out of joint because he wasn't welcomed. Palmer was too distanced from the team; his shyness never fully enamoring him to the team or the team to him. That left himself and Tony.

Tony, Gibbs knew; would not be someone Tim would confide in under normal circumstances; their rivalry being too sharp; too "in your face" daily. That would have left himself. Tim had made no effort to talk to him or ask him anything in a very long time. Warning bells were beginning to go off in his head. Gibbs took a deep breath and made a decision. He wouldn't sign this until after he talked to McGee.

Sliding Tim's still unsigned leave request into his top drawer, Gibbs reached for his coffee and started to get up from his desk. Feeling someone watching him; his eyes rose up and met those of Tim's; frozen in place just outside the squad room. Obviously, he had stopped there, on his way back to his desk. _"He probably thought I couldn't see him there"_; Gibbs thought to himself in amusement. That amusement quickly faded as Gibbs saw fear cross Tim's face; fill those eyes. Fear that hadn't managed to hide quickly enough from Gibbs' eyes before it had been noticed.

Tim felt himself shocked frozen in place. He couldn't move; hell, he couldn't even close his eyes or look away from Gibbs; looking back at him. "Oh, God; I'm so dead!" he muttered to himself. Finding a twinge of courage; Tim was able to move; doing the 1st thing his panicked brain thought of; _Run!_ His brain screamed. _No, not the head; to easy to get trapped in there; don't' wanna get corned by Gibbs;_ he lectured himself as his feet took him to the stairs_; need space; need room to move;go outside_; Tim ordered his feet as he ran. He had never run from Gibbs before; but he didn't know what else to do. He let his feet just keep going; his body finding it easier to breathe with each bit of distance he put between himself and Gibbs.

Gibbs watched his young field agent turn and run. He heard him practically throw open the door to the stairwell and almost fly down that 1st set of stairs. Shaking his head in concern; Gibbs let out a tiny chuckle of humor; watching that boy move that fast brought back memories of the Road Runner and Wylie Coyote cartoon!


	2. Enough Already

**Resoloution**

**CHAPTER 2**

Turning seriously to the reason behind his agent's fearful flight; Gibbs called down at the front entrance to NCIS. As soon as he had confirmation of where and when Tim had signed out to;

Gibbs calmly got up and went to meet up with his obviously panic-stricken agent. It was as good a time as any to have that talk with him anyway. Stopping only long enough to leave a note on Tony's desk; Gibbs pursued Tim; although it was at a much more leisurely pace than Tim's "bat outta hell" pace had been. Once outside the building, Gibbs was able to quickly find his missing agent; surprisingly enough; sitting on the bench overlooking the water. Although Tim got sick on ships and most boats; the water itself always seemed to calm his youngest agent. Gibbs could only hope it was doing so now.

Gibbs was relieved to see that Tim had in fact; managed to calm down; at least by the looks of things from his vantage point; anyway. Goodness knows what he would actually find once he looked in Tim's eyes. Hopefully; it would not be the fear that had made its presence known earlier. Taking the bull by the horns; Gibbs walked over to the bench and silently sat down; knowing that the young man would know he was there. Taking a minute to closely look his agent over; Gibbs could plainly see that Tim was still tense with unreleased emotions. Hopefully, fear was no longer one of them. At the very least; Gibbs hoped if it was indeed still lurking around in there; that it wouldn't bet the one guiding Tim.

Tim felt Gibbs' presence before his boss even sat down on the bench. Fear no longer knotted Tim's stomach; but unrest did. Jumping up from the bench; Tim's restlessness made its' presence known by driving his feet to pace up/down in front of the bench. Tim knew that nothing short of being rude to Gibbs; which he would never do unless seriously pushed beyond his endurance; would keep him from spilling his guts to Gibbs; and if he did spill his guts; well; he wouldn't have to worry about any leave request; he'd be clearing out his desk before 1st break!

Tim wanted; needed to get this over with. Even though he no longer enjoyed coming to work; he didn't want to lose his job. He'd worked too damn hard to get here. And learning the ropes had been a living nightmare he was loathe to repeat on another job. He just prayed that Gibbs wouldn't dig too deep. Maybe he could escape without losing his job. If Gibbs dug too deep; which he was famous for doing; Tim wouldn't be able to control what he said; _everything _would come out and his goose would surely be not just cooked; but deep fried!

"Boss, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been watching you like that. It wasn't planned. I guess I was just worried about how you'd take my request; since I hadn't talked to you about it first; like I've always done before." McGee explained. His voice was as calm and collected as he could manage; seeing how his heart was beating almost out of his chest and his stomach was clenched with nerves. Needless to say; Tim's voice was actually shaky and rough; which did absolutely nothing to quench Gibbs' concern for him.

"Tim; it's okay. Come on, sit'." Gibbs soothed. Keeping his voice quiet and calm' Gibbs attempted to pave the way for Tim to open up to him. _Apparently, it was gonna take some seriously hard work._ Apparently, Tim was restless to sit still. Gibb watched as Tim continued to pace.

_This isn't good!_ Tim thought. _When Gibbs is this understanding; he wants to talk; about everything! God, please don't let me say something stupid!_ _Don't let me say too much!_ Tim silently prayed.

"Talk to me." Gibbs quietly invited. It wasn't a command; it wasn't even loud. Gibbs' voice was a quiet request to be let in to whatever was going on. Coming from anyone else; it would have sounded like he genuinely cared!

Tim stopped pacing long enough to respectfully look his boss eye to eye as he prepared himself to answer Gibbs' question. Tim knew that Gibbs had it in him; but it had so often been directed at everyone else and so seldom been directed at him; it sounded almost like a foreign language to Tim's ears and Foreign Language had _never_ been one of Tim's strong suites!. Was Gibbs _really_ concerned for him?

"I need some time off; to figure out some stuff." Tim quietly told him; deciding to offer Gibbs a drop of truth; hoping against hope that Gibbs would take the bait and go away happy. Maybe if Gibbs didn't have to work too hard at drawing a response out of him; it would satisfy the man's need for an answer? Tim could only hope!

"**No. I mean talk to me**!" Gibbs, suddenly frustrated; pushed. He knew what Tim was trying pull over on him. "Tim, you've pushed all of us away; you've pulled that damn shell of yours around you again that I haven' seen on you since before we lost Kate! **What is going on with you?"** Gibbs found himself loosing a grip on his patience.

"Nothin, Boss." Tim quickly slammed the door on his feelings. Apparently, hope was seriously overrated these days! He couldn't talk to Gibbs when he was like this; more frustrated than understanding. Obviously quick on the draw of anger this morning; more demanding than sympathetic. Tim wasn't ready for that. The cost of letting anyone in on what he'd been fighting to hold inside was already gonna be too high as it was.

Gibbs; seeing Tim tense up and his eyes close; quickly closed his own mouth and took several deep breaths to calm his runaway temper. _Damn it!_ _Tim isn't gonna open up like this! You know better than to treat civilians like Marines, Gunny! What the hell were you thinkin?_ Gibbs silently lectured himself. _Damn, here it was; not even 7 AM and he's already had to lecture himself more than once? It's gonna be a long day!_

Taking a long minute to regain his equilibrium; Gibbs fought hard to find an immediate solution to this conversation turning south. Taking a chance; he made a suggestion and even more important; an apology; "I'm sorry, Tim. Let's go get some coffee, all right? My treat?" Gibbs quietly offered as his almost never seen before white flag.

Tim found himself in too much shock to do anything more than nod his head; his feet on auto pilot as they followed in Gibbs' wake. Silently, they walked to the coffee shop; each lost in their own thoughts. Seemingly without thinking; they ordered their coffees and walked back to the water. After countless silent minutes; each enjoying the coffee and the weather; and probably the rare companionable silence, as well; Gibbs decided to try once again, to reach out to his agent

"Tim, I do care about what's going on with you. I know I've been wrapped up with Maddie's case and working at recovering from the fallout but I'm here for you now. Won't you talk to me? Please?"

Gibbs' rare quiet plea was heard; but Tim's anger, hurt and fear surrounded it like a rising tidal wave; almost swallowing Gibbs' question whole. Tim could feel the wave approaching but was powerless to stop it! It was threatening to pressurize the plug he had fought so long and so hard to secure in place over his contained emotions. Somehow he found the strength to hold steady thru the surge; with only a ripple of emotions and disobedient tears escaping; uncontrolled tears; the real casualty of the wave; at long last flowing freely. The ripple that only managed to come out incoherently; unable to form itself completely.

"Boss, I can't … If I … won't have… job...no...place.. team." Tim found that once the words were let out; the fear held back the rest of the stores. The weight of those stores; coupled with the heart-wrenching task of sitting on all of it for as long he had; sat on him like the weight of the world; his shoulders bowed; his head almost down to his chest;

Gibbs took a long silent couple of minutes to allow his brain to process what little Tim had gotten out; and the tears. Why would Tim worry about his job or his place on the team if he talked to Gibbs? Why would he be so upset it would drive him to tears? What could possibly so bad that the usually unflappable Tim McGee would think like this; worse; obviously let it eat away at him; and the not talking to anyone about it? The longer Gibbs thought about it; the more only one thing made sense! Gibbs thought back over the last several months; small things at work had changed. Things between Tony and himself; Tim's demeanor_…; _

_Come to think of it; has Tim's demeanor changed because of the changes between Tony and me? _

_Have those changes been more significant to Tim than Tony or myself have even realized? Maybe Tim's realized that Tony and I have been in a relationship outside of work? Has he locked himself inside the military's "don't ask, don't tell" rule? Oh, My God! It makes perfect sense. There's no other reason Tim would ever have to think about worrying about his job! But there has to be more to it than that! He's just way too wound up. And the tears? _Gibbs found these questions rolling thru his mind.

Taking in what Gibbs thought was the magnitude of worry Tim; apparently had been carrying for some time now; he quickly decided to take that shot in the dark that he was right; needing to get it out in the open for both Tim's sake and his own. Knowledge was a precious commodity and never as precious as it was right now.

"You've figured out about Tony and me?" Gibbs quietly asked him; already knowing the answer; but never expecting the stricken look that took over his agent's face. _He never expected me to figure it out!_ Gibbs realized; feeling a little shell-shocked, himself.

"Tim, it's okay! It's not the end of your job because you figured it out! It doesn't mean there's no more place for you on this team! I don't understand why you would even think that! I don't understand why you feel like your job is on the line here!"

Tim didn't know what shocked him more; the fact that Gibbs figured out the crux of the problem. so quickly._ Took him long enough!_ Or was it the fact that Gibbs didn't understand the _heart _of the matter?. Well, Tim was not going there with him. He'd done what he needed to do; he'd given Gibbs the answer to his question. Hopefully now, he could escape with his pride still somewhat in tact.

Gibbs didn't expect the deafening silence that was currently almost oppressive in the air between them. _Obviously, he had missed something here. Okay, so; maybe he had been wrong after all?_ Gibbs was beginning to feel almost like an idiot. _Surely…_.

"Yeah, that's it, Boss." Tim's tone defied his words. The rare and unexpected sarcasm rattled Gibbs' cage worse than a 6.2 earthquake.

In pure reaction; he gave it back. "You wanna be straight with me here? Why the hell would you deliberately choose to give me a reason to doubt your honesty? After all these years?"

"I don't feel comfortable getting into this with you, Boss. Obviously, it's not my place to do so; or you would have asked me for my opinion or at least asked me how I felt about it a long time ago! Who am I to question you, right?" Tim finally allowed a sliver of his anger to mix with the continued sarcasm show in his tone; tired of trying so hard to contain it all.

Gibbs' math skills were finally catching up with the conversation at hand. Adding things up had taken some time; but with Tim finally letting go of his impeccable manners just enough to say what needed to be said; Gibbs finally got a peek at the bottom line. This sudden attitude from his normally unflappable Tim McGee had just added the last piece to the equation.

"Let me see if I understand where you're comin from, Tim" Gibbs offered, in an attempt to make peace once again. "You think that because Tony and I are in a relationship outside of work; you no longer belong on this team. Do I have that right?" Gibbs asked. "Or is it because I now know that you know about us; somehow that means you no longer belong here?"

"That's about the size of it." Tim admitted; still allowing a touch of sarcasm to shade his tone.. Silently he sent up a prayer that Gibbs would leave well enough alone, now. "And before you ask; **both** assessments hit the mark."

"What am I missing?" Gibbs asked. There had to be more going on here. Surely Tim wouldn't be so upset about this without there being more to it? Apparently, his math skills were a tad bit rusty; his bottom line wasn't matching up with Tim's.

"Boss, if you don't understand; I can't explain it." Tim answered quietly; all the fight had gone out of him; all traces of sarcasm and anger gone. Tim was beginning to feel like he was drowning in a mere 3 inches of water. Can we drop this? Please? I need to get back to work!" Tim's desperation was evident in his voice.

Gibbs; reluctant as he was to let this go; agreed that maybe getting back to work would help the situation iron itself out. "Okay, Tim; let's get back to work; and yes, you can have your three days off; but only if you and I talk about this again. Before you leave!" Gibbs ordered

Tim could see that Gibbs was sincere; but he wasn't ready to let him in anymore than he already had. He didn't know how else to explain himself. Running around in emotional conversational circles trying to make Gibbs see the light; was not something Tim was prepared to do. The weight of his troubles seemed lighter; but that just made room for the hurt and pain he had buried underneath the long kept secret that had just been released. Being the "outsider" _again_ hurt like hell.

He nodded his head slightly and turned and went back into the building; anxious to get back to work.

******************

Back in the squad room, Tony had seen the note.

"_Meeting with McGee. Hold down the fort.--Gibbs"_

Meeting? What meeting? Gibbs hadn't mentioned any meeting. Now, Tony waited with held breath; for their return; hoping all was okay with both of them. He watched first McGee come back to his desk; then Gibbs. Where Tim had looked worn out and angry; Gibbs looked positively worn out. At 7:30 in the morning? What the hell was going on around here?

Tony communicated with him in their usual way. Silently

"_you okay, Boss?_

"_Yeah,Tony, I'm fine"_

But, this time; Tony noticed Gibbs watching Tim in the midst of their silent conversation. The look on Gibbs' face was one of concern for their probie. _What? What the hell had he missed? Wait a minute, something serious was going on and he, Tony DiNozzo was clueless? That; well that's just wrong! Gibbs will tell me!_

"_Problem with Probie, Boss?_

_Yeah, Tony, watch over him._

Tim, silently seeing what was going on; felt his anger bubbling up to a near boil. Trying desperately to keep the lid on it; he quickly excused himself to the head. _I hate it when they do that! It only throws their relationship in my face, yet again. Don't' they get that? Why can't they see it? How can two crack investigators be so damn clueless?_ Tim was livid. _Maybe I should forget my way back to my desk for a while. It's worth the risk of Gibbs yelling at me for disappearing. Hell, in the mood I'm in; I just might give it back to him!_


	3. Looking Deep

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or its' characters.

* * *

Watching Tim practically run from the squad room _again_; the 2nd time that morning; Gibbs took a deep breath. This time, there was no humor whatsoever in seeing the young man flee. Something obviously had just pushed Tim's buttons...and he just didn't know what it was...and that bothered him.

Tim was a part of his team. A very important part; and evidently he had somehow gotten it into his head; worse; into his heart; judging by that conversation outside; that he was no longer welcome or important on his team. Gibbs should have seen this coming; hell he should have _known_ what was wrong... been able to fix it sooner; if not at least have been able to nip it in the bud.

While this morning's conversation didn't appear to have been of any help to Tim; it had certainly served as an eye opener for Gibbs! He felt a twinge of regret at having given in to Tim's wish to escape back to work. Apparently, that wasn't doin it for the young man, either. Something in Tim's eyes just now told him that whatever was wrong was infinitely more serious than what little they had talked about this morning. Gibbs sincerely wished they had been able to get to the bottom; or at least deeper; into whatever it was that was tormenting Tim. The look in his agent's eyes just now wasn't just anger. It had been pure fury.

The desperation behind Tim's tactical retreat from whatever had obviously pissed him off hadn't gone unnoticed either. Gibbs just hadn't figured out _exactly_ what was causing all this ruckus with his youngest agent. And having Ziva sit at her desk and act oblivious to everything around her was _not_ helping at the moment.

Gibbs _thought_ he knew Tim better than anyone else on the team; possibly even better than Abby; although probably not as well as Ziva. She and Tim had a close friendship, and had since the beginning of her tenure at NCIS. But Gibbs hadn't heard a peep out of her about Tim in the last few weeks. She'd been, he realized; extremely quiet on the subject. Knowing that Ziva didn't push when she was told her help wasn't wanted, Gibbs understood her silence.

Gibbs did; however; know Tim better than the young man probably even realized, and yet, he was reminded now, now that it was almost too late. Knowing someone well; can give you the power to hurt them the most. Gibbs had never wanted to be that instrument of pain for anyone on his team; anyone he knew, really. But,one of his agents? The one he thought of as his youngest son? Gibbs felt his heart almost break at what was staring him in the face.

Gibbs had missed the boat! He had tripped right over the neon signs that Tim was having problems and had kept right on going; inadvertently and unconsciously reinforcing Tim's feelings of being unimportant. _Damn it! How the hell had he let this happen right under his nose? Had he just been wearing blinders_? No_! The signs had been there! _

Gibbs had seen the signs. He had seen Tim's demeanor change; had noticed that he'd lost weight; was no longer full of pep and energy; in fact was looking more sleep deprived every day; had gotten a little quieter every day; hadn't cracked a joke or laughed at one in a very long time; no longer greeted anyone or told them to have a nice night. He had noticed the signs of trouble. Obviously, the problem lie in the question: as Team Leader; what had he done about it?

As usual; Gibbs had allowed his Marine training to dictate how he handled it; what he paid attention to; what he ignored or simply shrugged off as not important! He had allowed himself to shrug most of it off. It was no secret that Tim got annoyed by Tony's behavior; hell, Tim usually went with it...and occasionally gave back as good as he'd been given. Tony's frat boy mentality towards Tim wasn't new either. Gibbs found himself sucked into sitting on the sidelines like an amused spectator. Chalking Ziva's (and Abby's too); withdrawal from talking about him or to him up to her being upset with him; and staying out of what he had figured was their personal squabble.

Thinking back; Gibbs realized Tim's attitude toward Tony's teasing and bullying had been changing and everyone had simply overlooked those changes and kept right on going. Tim had been growing increasingly frustrated with Tony and with Gibbs, too. Again; putting his hard-core military training out there; Gibbs had; almost without even thinking about it; decided that Tim needed to be toughened up some more; and simply cracked down on Tim; gotten tougher with him and decidedly left him out of things more; figuring he would eventually get over his funk and get back to normal. Never once had it crossed Gibbs' mind that this wasn't the right approach to take with Tim or that it wasn't helping the situation; but in fact; making it worse!

He had missed it, so intent on getting the job done and working hard to be extremely diligent at keeping his personal relationship with Tony out of the office; he had just stopped taking the time to act; to show he cared; to let Tim know he was still important to him; to the team.

The parental lion in Gibbs reared its' head and roared in anger. If someone had treated Kelly the way he had treated Tim? OOhhhhhh….Hell hath no fury like a parent whose child has been so grossly mistreated! The fact that he was the guilty party only solidified his sense of anger on Tim's behalf.

Overlooked signs. Well, damn it; those signs were sure flashing now! a hellova lot brighter now! Wasn't that the way hindsight worked, anyway?

Maybe he'd made too many mistakes where his young agent was concerned; but Gibbs sure as hell could try to fix it now; before it was too late. Sure, he had made some concessions in that discussion he'd just had with Tim; the quiet tone of voice; the attempts at restoring peace; all of that. It obviously hadn't been enough to dent Tim's shield around everything he was protecting.

Apparently Gibbs had made a gross error somewhere during that conversation; .in all of his interactions with Tim during the last few months, Failing to pinpoint the exact moment the pooch first got screwed; Gibbs could only hope that Tim would give him the chance to fix it; but that would mean they would have to talk again. The probability of that? Zip.

Unless; of course, Tim took him seriously about not getting the 3 days off unless they did talk again today. There wasn't any reason for Tim not to take Gibbs order seriously. Gibbs just had to watch for the right time and force the issue. On the other hand; maybe giving in to Tim's request without any such conflict was in Tim's best interests.

Gibbs needed a fresh perspective on this. He still needed to talk to Tony. Maybe Tony could explain things better than Gibbs was seeing. Another perspective might make his decision easier. He would go ahead and give Tim the time off that he'd put in for; that was a given. Whether or not Gibbs would force another discussion on him; well; the jury was still out on that one.

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts; Gibbs got up from his desk; silently beckoning Tony toward his conference room as he walked to it. On his way to the elevator, Gibbs slid Tim's signed leave request onto Tim's desk; face down; like it had been on his own desk earlier. Tim could take it however he chose. Hopefully, he would be encouraged enough by the fact that Gibbs had signed it; to talk to him again. Gibbs would make the time for it and would try to convince Tim to talk to him at least one more time before the end of the day; regardless; Gibbs vowed as he led Tony to the elevator.

********************

Tim was still fuming; remembering the endless parade of snide remarks and jokes he had endured, throughout his job at NCIS, feeling his stomach churn from holding it all in. He knew that he wanted nothing more than to get away from Gibbs and Tony. They treated him like their very own in-house comic relief or at the very least; like crap. No more! God, he couldn't wait for this day to get over with.

Tim calmed himself down and finally forced himself to go back to his desk. Since Gibbs and Tony were missing from the squad room; he figured the two of them were off conversing about him; probably having a grand ole laugh about his conversation with Gibbs earlier.

_Oh, well; let them have their last laugh at my expense. After today it won't matter, anyway. Step two of my plan is already finished. I handled this morning the best way I could_.

Noticing his signed request back on his desk; Tim stopped, unease once again knotting his stomach; as he remembered What he had convinced himself this morning when he was typing it up. "_If Gibbs gave the go-ahead; it would mean I'm truly not a necessary or wanted part of this team anymore.!"_

_Damn it, just this once; couldn't I have been wrong? Wait a minute! What was it Gibbs said to me outside this morning? _

"_Tim, I do care about what's going on with you""_

"_I'm here for you now. Won't you talk to me? Please?"_

"_It doesn't mean there's no more place for you on this team! I don't understand why you would even think that!"_

_Yes, you can have your three days off; but only if you and I talk about this again. Before you leave!" _

A shiver of apprehension spiraled down his spine as he remembered that last one all too clearly. Wait a minute!

_If Gibbs had meant that; this request wouldn't be sitting here already signed! But, since when does Gibbs not follow thru on what he said; or go back on it?_ _Damn it; what the hell do I do? _

_Do I; accept I knowing the possibility exists that I'm sending him the message that I agree to talk to him again before the end of the day?_

_Or do I give it back to Gibbs; sending him the message that I'm not willing to accept his spoken condition?_

After giving it serious thought; Tim settled for leaving it where he found it, the way he found it. Like he hadn't seen it in the 1st place. Let Gibbs take that anyway he chose to!

He would just make sure he wasn't at his desk when the man came back into the squad room. Now he definitely wasn't working on cold cases! Tim searched his brain for something to do that would provide him an escape from the squad room. He had some mangled friendships to mend before he left today. He would take care of those before the bridges to them were irreparable.

Anxiously keeping an eye out for his boss' or Tony's return; Tim took some time to talk with and apologize to Ziva and to make things right with her. Thankfully, Tony and Gibbs had not made an appearance by the time Tim was ready to go talk to Abby.

************************

Once safely tucked into their conference room; Gibbs stopped the elevator and took a deep breath; willing himself to calm down.

Tony silently waited for Gibbs to tell him whatever it was he needed to say.

Gibbs filled Tony in on the events and conversation of the morning. Tony listened quietly while Gibbs talked. The more Gibbs said; the more shocked Tony became; his mind screaming accusations and recriminations at him

"_I've had been so wrapped up in Gibbs and Maddie; and recovering and building my relationship with Gibbs; I have totally stopped paying attention to Tim; beyond the everyday jabs at him and making fun of him. I hadn't taken notice of Tim's responses anymore. Oh, My God! Am I really that bad?_ _Have I become so immune to what I do to him that his failure to respond didn't even catch my attention? I don't even ask anymore; wha'ts going on with him. Jeez, how long ago had that happened?_ Tony couldn't remember. _Jeez!_ He suddenly felt like dirt and it showed." Tony wasn't

Saying a word; but his eyes sure the hell were expressing his sense of shame and responsibility in this mess.

Gibbs was openly confused and obviously beginning to get angry. **"Tony? What the hell is this about? What am I missing?** Why should he worry about his job? His place on this team, just because he's finally admitted that he knows about you and I?" Gibbs demanded; knowing Tony would explain it all to him.

"Boss; you really _don'_t get it; do you? Tony asked, for once, exasperated with his boss.. Gibbs was actually genuinely obtuse about something. Choosing _anything_ else in life that Gibbs should be obtuse about; _this_ was not on the top 50 list!

"**No, Tony; I don't! Why don't you explain it to me?"** Gibbs was obviously loosing patience with the whole subject; or was it with Tony? Tony didn't know; but he dove in for the prize.

"Gibbs." Tony deliberately used their "at home" name for his boss; hoping the man would take the hint; this was a conversation of a personal nature.

"Tim loves you like he does his own dad; a surrogate dad, if you will. I know that you know this already. You also know that; once he allows someone into that place in his heart; that bond is something that he feels deeply; treasures it; feels secure and safe in it. Knows you'll protect him when his own family can't.

He looks up to you; craves your approval; your respect; your faith in him. He would fall on his sword for you; if he had one; his respect for you is boundless; his trust in you is without hesitation.

But, now; the way he sees it; he's lost all of that; has been steadily losing it for a while now; because you've focused all of that on me. Tim's feeling like the Christmas puppy that was kicked back to the curb once the joy of Christmas is over! He feels like there's no equal footing here for him; now that you and I are where we are. In his eyes, you've chosen me over him and he's not even important to you anymore" Tony explained. "He's probably feeling like we've just told him; he's not good enough to be on our team anymore."

Gibbs suddenly realized: This is what Tim meant:

"_Boss, if you don't understand; I can't explain it."_

A sudden flashback filled Gibbs' mind:

"_You have a problem, McGee?" _

"_A problem, Boss?" Tim asked, _

"_Yeah. Your work has been lousy and your attention span is shorter than a 6__th__ grader's! You have a problem? Deal with it on your own time. If you can't handle the work you have to do, don't bother coming in!" _

Of all the situations he and Tim had been in during the past 6 years; Gibbs found himself almost instantly thinking back to that moment right after Archer had nearly killed them both.

__"You ever hesitate again, I'll take your badge!"__

_Damn, that's the way I've treated Tim for the most part. Put him in a situation he can't handle and then yell at him when he can't handle it Why should I be surprised that, now; with the added stress of me and Tony being on a more personal level with each other; without him, Tim's decided he couldn't handle any more of it?_

Angry at himself for only seeing this in hindsight; for the pain he'd thoughtlessly put Tim thru; Gibbs lashed out at Tony; without even meaning to

"**How do you know that this is how he's feeling? Where do you get these thought from?"** Gibbs asked;

"Simple, Gibbs" Tony admitted quietly. "If I were in Tim's shoes right now? It's exactly how I would fee."

***********************************


	4. Shifting the Blame

"_Tim loves you like he does his own dad; a surrogate dad, if you will. I know that you know this already. You also know that; once he allows someone into that place in his heart; that bond is something that he feels deeply; treasures it; feels secure and safe in it. Knows you'll protect him when his own family can't._

_He looks up to you; craves your approval; your respect; your faith in him. He would fall on his sword for you; if he had one; his respect for you is boundless; his trust in you is without hesitation._

_But, now; the way he sees it; he's lost all of that; has been steadily losing it for a while now; because you've focused all of that on me. Tim's feeling like the Christmas puppy that was kicked back to the curb once the joy of Christmas is over! He feels like there's no equal footing here for him; now that you and I are where we are. In his eyes, you've chosen me over him and he's not even important to you anymore" _

"_He's probably feeling like we've just told him; he's not good enough to be on our team anymore."_

Gibbs felt like he had just been sucker-punched.

Letting the shock run it's course for a long silent minute; as Tony's indirect confession worked its' way thru his brain; Gibbs felt it; the pain behind the truthful explanation and the truth behind the painful understanding Tony had just so heart-breakingly expressed.

If Tony was even minutely correct; of which Gibbs had no doubt he was; than this truth was almost too much to process. How could he, Leroy Jethro Gibbs;who prided himself on being the super-observant; seeing everything in someone's eyes; supposedly never missing a trick; have been as blind as an entire colony of bats put together?

But, if he were to be honest with himself; he'd have to admit; he hadn't been blind; just selfish; brash; unbelievably obtuse and Marine tough to the extreme toward one of the people who had needed the very opposite from him. Normally, he knew and was able to deliver; what his team members needed; even if it was on the edge of that place where tough met up with but barely tolerated compassionate. But, if you were to look objectively at this situation? You wouldn't see a drop of that in it anywhere. Gibbs knew he damn sure didn't.

It sure as hell explained a hell of a lot that had been going on with his youngest agent! Gibbs got it now. His astuteness was back on track; hopefully it wasn't too late. He would work over time and double time to make sure it wasn't.

Tim McGee had obviously been suffering in silence. His character being what it was; he apparently wanted to make sure he didn't cause problems for Gibbs and Tony; in terms of their personal relationship outside the office. Not telling anyone else about it; meant keeping them out of trouble with "plausible deniability" being what it was. Since this affected how he began to perceive his position on the team; with help from him and Tony themselves; offered up in the way they dealt with him; it only served to solidify his misconceptions along the way. By now; Tim was waist high in negative output and reinforced feelings of incompetence and it would probably take an entire fleet of steam shovels to dig him out of the pit.

It was the least he and Tony could do for the young man. They had gotten him into this mess; their arrogance and selfish brashness paving the way. They would help get him out; sympathy and empathy smoothing the trail; with willing ears; broad shoulders and forgiving hearts; for whatever he might throw out at them as they dug him out. Experience had taught them that once Tim McGee felt strongly about something; it was a Herculean task to get him to see it any other way.

Gibbs took a deep breath. He could do this! This was his mess and he needed to clean it up and that's all there was to it. He had to do this! It had been a very long time since Leroy Jethro Gibbs had been so self-absorbed that something like this would have transpired beneath his very nose; at his own hands. In fact, he couldn't remember when he had ever let how he acted and the decisions he made get to this point; where the very people who depended on him; no longer felt able to even be around him. Then again; he hadn't let himself get so far removed from anyone like this since Shannon and Kelly had died. And then; well, back then, it had just been himself he'd had to worry about.

_Why hadn't I figured out this could have and probably would happen once Tony and I actually took our relationship outside the office? Why hadn't I even thought to give an ounce of consideration to how Tim would take this?_

_I could have prevented this if I'd only put a little effort into it! Damn it! _

_Double Damn! This is the 3rd lecture in 1 damn morning!! God, it's gonna be a long day_!

_HOLDI IT! WAIT JUST A MINUTE! _

_How the hell was I supposed to realize that Tim knew Tony and I had a personal relationship, anyway? I"ve never professed to being a mind reader!_

_No! Don't even go there!" Do NOT put this off on Tim! _

"Tony!" Gibbs finally spoke; startling Tony out of his own troubled thoughts.

"Boss?" Tony's voice was actually sounding like he was scared to hear what was coming after what he had just told Gibbs. He knew what he had said was accurate; but didn't know how Gibbs would take that much mushy stuff being dumped on him.

"_If I were in Tim's shoes right now? It's exactly how I would feel."_

Tony felt like he had just bared both his soul and McGee's to the man. It left him feeling a little vulnerable where Gibbs was concerned. Just ripe for the wrong reaction from Gibbs to hurt like hell. He waited with bated breath for the ax to fall.

"Thank you. I appreciate your honesty; I know that couldn't have been easy for you. But, it goes a hell of a long way in helping me understand where McGee is coming from. Jeez, no wonder he said he couldn't explain it to me if I didn't already understand it!

"He said that?" Tony asked; surprised that Tim would have the cahoonas to speak to Gibbs like that. Equally surprised at Gibbs' reaction to what he'd just been told.

"Yeah, but it sapped the anger and the fight right out of him when he did! It was like he had given up trying to get me to see what he was talking about." Gibbs quietly reminisced; almost to himself. "God, I hate this!"

"Boss, this will work out; we've been here before! Right now, all he's asking for is time off, right? So, how bad can it be? I mean if it was really bad; he'd have handed in his resignation or requested a transfer already; right?" Tony asked; hope resounding thru the elevator. He was endlessly grateful that the conversation had so quickly turned away from the mushy stuff. Safe!

"Yeah, you're probably right, Tony. But, then again; this is Tim we're talking about. He never does a single thing without have a handful more already planned out or already put in motion, remember?" Gibbs' gut began to churn at the possibility of Tony's spoken alternatives bearing fruit. Were they getting ready to lose Tim and not realize it? Was this request for time off; a smokescreen for his real plan; leaving NCIS? Transferring? Had he gotten so angry and disallusioned that he had taken to secretly carrying out personal plans to leave the team or the agency?

Gibbs could only hope not as he sent up a silent prayer that it wasn't too late to stop this train. Lord knows, it had already gained too much momentum on it's own. Without the proper guidence; what else would one expect; except for it to have gotten on the wrong track? One serious derailment immediately required!

How could they possibly convince Tim that he was still vital and important not just to the team; but to the family dynamics of the team? They all knew he had worked so hard to get where he had gotten to. Tim McGee's road to being the mature solid; strong character; dependable; damn good agent he had become, had been a long tough road for the young man.

Gibbs was not going to let this spiral anymore out of control. Tim deserved to feel like a part of this team; hell, he was part of this team; an important part! Tim's conversation with him from earlier replaying in his head ; left no doubt in Gibbs' mind that Tony had indeed, just hit the proverbial nail on the head with unquestionable truth.

Now Gibb just had to figure out how to talk to Tim; and how to get Tim to talk to Gibbs. Really talk. Before it was too late. Would this have to end with someone leaving NCIS or with Gibbs and Tony breaking off their relationship? Was it possible to achieve a peaceful and happy soloution for everyone without either one of those two unpleasant possiblities coming to pass?

Gibbs certainly hoped so. The most unpleasant possibility crept into the back of Gibbs' mind.

_"Will I have to chose between having both boys at NCIS or only having Tony both at NCIS and at home?_

Gibbs knew that Tim was not small-minded or petty or vindictive. But, he also knew that right now; the focus needed to be on helping Tim. Even though it was a possibility that this very question lay at the root of Tim's problem; Gibbs could only put it on the back burner for now. Taking a deep breath, he looked at Tony; seeing that he too; had prepared himself to do what ever it took to fix this.

Together, they went in search of Abby. The most likely candidate to have been able to get Tim to talk.

**********************

Tim had silently walked to the door of Abby's lab; having taken the stairs down to that level. He didn't want to interrupt her while she was working; or scare her if she was deep in thought.

Turns out, she was neither. when Tim got there; it was like she had known he was coming. She stood by her computer; facing the door; a bird of prey waiting for her dinner? Nah! More likely, Ziva had called her and given her a heads up

Maybe she just needed to tell him something; or get on his case for the way he'd been acting? It was okay, he had it comin. He bit the bullet and wasted no time in offering her his abject apology,

"Abby, I know I've been difficult to be around lately and I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me." Tim quietly offered a verbal olive branch.

******************

Gibbs and Tony had reached the lab hallway; stopping in their tracks when this conversation filtered rather loudly out of Abby's quiet lab.

********************

"Ziva called me, McGee. She said you were on your way down here. She's worried about you. You haven't been talking to her either; and now, you've gone out of your way to apologise to both of us. What is up with you?" Abby's concern was evident, as usual.

"Nothin, Abby, I'm fine. Can't I just do a little fence mending when I feel it's necessary?" Tim found himself getting defensive; hoping it would keep her from digging too deep.

_Jeez what is with the deep digging today, anyway. First, Gibbs, now Abby? Thank God, Ziva didn't go there! But, it sounds like she asked Abby to do it for her! No surprise there! Oh, well, these two I can handle; and gladly!_

"McGee, I know something's buggin you and if you can't talk to me about it; it has to be bad! I'm not mad at you and I forgive you; but I wish you'd let me in so I could help you!" Abby told him.

"Abby, I can't talk about it. I just wanted to apologise for the way I've treated you lately. Thank you for forgiving me; but that's all I can say right now, please?" Tim beseeched her.

"Okay, if you feel that strongly about it." Abby gave in; hugging him to her. "But, now that we're talking to each other again; will you please come see me more often; like you used to? We can talk about lots of other stuff; you know we can! You and I never run out of things to talk about! excitment resounded in her tone.

Outside in the hallway; Gibbs grinned; Abby hadn't sounded this happy in a long time. Maybe it wasn't too late to salvage this after all! Tony looked at Gibbs like he'd just lost his mind.

_What was that all about?_

_"Later"_

Back inside the lab; Tim soaked up Abby's hug; not wanting to move from the love he felt wrapped in her arms. He wished he could stay here forever. Never have to think or feel or worry about anything. Wouldn't that be…oh, hell.

Tim knew that he had to get back to work; back to the same room with Gibbs and Tony. He had to finish out the day. But first? First, he would go make things right with Ducky! Yeah, that's what he'd do! The less time he had to spend in the squad room; the better!

Tim gave Abby a small smile as he pulled back from her hug .

"Abby, I have to go talk to Ducky. I owe him an apology,too!" He turned to leave.

"**Tim, wait! Are you going somewhere?** Is that what this making right with everyone is all about?" Abby asked; her voice climbing with the hint of hysteria.

"I'm just taking some time off, Abby. I didn't want to do that without clearing the air." Tim explained patiently. "I really am sorry."

"you **ARE** coming back?" Abby pointedly asked.

"**Talk to you later, Abby!"** Tim evaded the question and almost ran from the lab; smack dab into Tony and Gibbs out in the hallway! Tim instantly tensed up; anger whiplashing thru him; _Gibbs and Tony; together again; that figures! What are they following me, now?_

Quickly, Tim ran for the stairs and bolted down to Autopsy.

Tony and Gibbs looked at other in question; neither one of them had missed the flare of anger in Tim's eyes. They silently agreed to table it for now. Together; they went in to talk to Abby.

"Abbs, what was that all about? Gibbs asked his Forensic Scientist,

"Hey,Gibbs. Hey, Tony, He said he had to go make things right with Ducky. Something about taking the time off and not wanting to leave any mangled friendships unfixed." Abby explained; knowing she had embellished Tim's words. He said he's already mended fences with Ziva. Has he mended fences with you two yet?

Tony and Gibbs remained tactfully silent; both watching Abby.

"**Gibbs! He still won't talk to me! **Abby sounded almost grief-stricken.

"Thanks, Abbs. I'll talk to him today." Gibbs gave her a kiss on the cheek and walked out of her lab. Hopefully, his promise would be enough to satisfy her and calm her down.

Back in the squad room, Gibbs noticed Tim's desk exactly how he had left it; with Tim's Leave Request still there; still turned over in the exact spot Gibbs had put it. Gibbs was completely surprised about this. He looked over at Ziva.

"Ziva?"

"Gibbs."

"Did you happen to notice if McGee saw this on his desk or not?" Gibbs asked her.

"Yes, he did. I saw him pick it up and look at it for a long time. Then he put it back down on his desk before he came and talked to me." Ziva admitted.

"Care to share?" Gibbs asked.

"He just wanted to apologise for the way he's been shutting me out lately and tell me that the fact that he could not talk to me about what is bothering him has nothing to do with me and everything to do with what it is that is on his mind. Gibbs, I do not understand, but I will continue to respect his wish that I do not push him to talk to me about it, yes?" Ziva questioned.

"Yeah, Ziva; that's good." Gibbs told her.

Tim silently returned to his desk; having made things right with Ducky and Palmer. Now, he was anxious to clear all unfinished work that he could. Hopefully, he'd be left alone to do it in peace. Picking up the still present request form; he noticed that it now had a sqaure yellow post-it note stuck to the front of it. Taking a moment to read the note; Tim couldn't help but smile.

_No strings or requirements attached. Previous order for such has been nullified._

_Gibbs_

Pulling out the a cold case he had stashed in his middle desk drawer; he slid the request in the drawer; closed it; opened the case file and got to work. But first? First, he had an email to send. It took him all of a minute to type and send the email; but it took pounds of pressure off his shoulders and gave a lift to his heart. Maybe the day wouldn't be so bad after all!

Gibbs and Tony were both keep ing a discreet periphiel vision check on McGee; while allowing him the peace and quiet to do some work; knowing it's what he needed. The time for personal problem solving could wait. With no pressure; Tim was more likely to want to talk.

Gibbs reacted to his email alerting him to a new message; with his usual scowl; until he read who it was from. With hope tugging at his heart strings; he opened the email. Taking a moment to read it; he couldn't help but smile.

_Boss._

_Thank you! _

_Tim_

Gibbs couldn't seem to shake his smile. It felt good; felt like he had mended the 1st step of the bridge that broken between them. Yeah, they still had a long way to go; but it was a hellofa great start! He felt compelled to keep this line of communication open and flowing; even though email was NOT his favorite form of communication;. For this; he would gladly make the excception; he didn't mind one bit. WIth hope continuing to tug at his heart strings; he replied to the email.

_Tim_

_I mean what I said earlier._

_I'm here anytime you need to talk._

_Gibbs_

Tim recieved and read the email with a smile. A smile shaded with a hint of regret. Quickly he sent a response. This was fun and actually uplifiting. Gibbs had never indulged him like this before!

_Boss_

_I know you want to help; now. I appreciate it._

_But, unless you can guarantee that i won't be penalized or sanctioned for anything I have to say; _

_there's no hope for us being able to have the conversation you want us to have._

_Tim_

_P.S. I know that this is not something you always have control over; so I'm not holding my breath on it._

_I don't have any hope to hang on to, here; so please; don't keep me in suspense for too long._

Gibbs recieved and read his email with a slight frown. Tim wasn't asking for much; but he obviously didn't have faith in Gibbs to protect him, either. This would be an easy step of the problem to fix. The most crucial one; given that without it; there would obviously be no open communication to be had. One Gibbs was NOT gonna pass up. No hope! They would have to fix that problem too!

_Tim_

_Consider it done! No sanctions and no repercussions or penalties._

_Off the record._

_You Have My Word!_

_Gibbs_

_P.S. You name the time and place you would like to talk and I'll be there._

Tim recieved and read his email with actual hope in his heart. but before he could respond to it; a case was called in and the team geared up and headed out; without Tim. Having been asked by Gibbs; respectfully and with obvious trust and faith written all over his face and shining in his eyes; Tim had been happy to stay and be the contact person for the team; searching whatever tidbits they called into him. They needed him to start with finding the exact address of where they needed to go. This time; he didn't mind being left behind.

He had been requested.

He was trusted!

It felt great!


	5. Just Another Day at the Office

A/N: I apologise for the delay in this chapter. Been moving all weekend; without the benefit of a truck; and working on this chapter. Several re-writes for parts of it. Hope you enjoy! Please review! Oh, and Patience, people; it's coming; I promise!

btw: suggestions welcome!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own ncis or its' characters.

***********************

**CHAPTER 5**

Two hours later found Gibbs, Tony and Ziva still out processing the crime scene. Abby brought Tim lunch. They ate in companionable friendly conversation and then both went back to their desks. The afternoon passed quickly, with the team still working the crime scene and calling Tim for help on his end when they needed it. As the team came back in from the scene, and the evidence was processed; leads followed; suspects brought in and questioned; and finally; the culprit caught. The afternoon had quickly passed into an early evening. As Gibbs and company; minus Tim; who was helping Abby finish wrapping up the processing of evidence and their findings; down in her lab; questioned the culprit and actually getting him to confess; early evening passed into a late night even more quickly.

Once the case had been solved with the culprit taken into custody; the only thing left undone, were the case reports. Soon the squad room was filled with the sounds of four computer keyboards being beaten into submission; (well 3 beaten and 1 gently coaxed); as the agents worked to get the reports done while the case was still fresh on their minds. Once all the reports were done and sitting on his desk; Gibbs decided it was high time he showed a little appreciation and gratitude to his hard working team; leaving for a coffee break; he hit on the idea; the only idea that came naturally to him.

One might have thought Gibbs had grown an extra head; the way Tony, Ziva and Tim were staring at him when he came back with not one cup of coffee; but four! And, wait a second! Was that a box of donuts in his other hand? No Way! Gibbs then proceeded to shock them even further by hand delivering a cup of coffee and a donut to each agent with four simple words. "Good Job! Thank You!"

They may have been just four simple little words and it may have just been a cup of coffee; and yeah the donut was a rare bonus; but the end results? Well, you'd a thought Gibbs had just told each of them they had won the lottery; as he'd handed them the cash to go with it! Had somebody changed the light bulbs in the ceiling lights? My goodness, the wattage of light shining in the squad room just multiplied!

Gibbs sat back for a second and took in the sight of his team members basking in the moment of appreciation personified. Jeez, if it hadn't been for Tim's request for leave; and their talk this morning; leading to his discussion with Tony; Gibbs would have never even given a thought to making a gesture of appreciation like this. He just never thought it necessary; until this morning. Gibbs had not failed to notice how one little note had changed Tim's outlook; the direction of his attitude; and in all probability; the next course of action he had taken after he'd seen the note. It was pretty certain that if Gibbs had not taken the time to write the note and stick it on the request form where Tim wouldn't miss it; the whole situation would have continued to go south and rather quickly.

_Speaking of Tim;_ _yeah; he looks much happier to be here now, than he did this morning! Maybe he's over the hump? Nah! Tim doesn't allow himself to get mired down in a funk that shallow_. Whenever he got as upset as he had been lately about something; Gibbs knew; it was pretty deep stuff_. _

_Hopefully, we'll get to have that conversation now; even though it is pretty late. Hopefully, these reports will be done correctly and we'll be able to wrap this up so I can talk to him. Reports first._

Gibbs shook his head slightly to clear his thinking; and got down to the business of reading thru his agents' case reports; knowing that none of them would leave until their report had been read and officially given the okay from him.

The coffee was gone; the "high" of a solved case; bolstered by caffeine and sugar; thanks to Elefe; playfulness abounded between the anxiously waiting agents. Well; two and one-half of them; anyway. Tim was more animate than he had been lately; throwing in a verbal jab or two here and there; even acting as referee once or twice between the other two, but mostly sitting out as a spectator.

Gibbs, as always; hearing; almost as a second part of his brain; the first part being focused on the reports in front of him; smiled as he took in Tim's participation when he heard it. The silence he heard from the desk across from him; still too long when it occurred; but at least it wasn't the constant silence of a miserably unhappy agent.

Content that his agents were behaving; Gibbs tuned them out; in order to more quickly get thru the reports. Some time later; unsure of what had poked thru his stone wall of concentration; he looked up from the reports; to find a completely empty squad room! The deafening silence had gotten his attention; where everything else had failed; where what seemed like just moments before; there had been jovial playful animation between three people; at this moment; there was dead silence! Hell, the room was empty! Where the hell had his agents gone to? And why had they disappeared so silently?

_What the hell was going on?_

*************

It had been a slip of the tongue. Tony hadn't meant for it to come out. It just ...did. One minute he and Ziva were joking around with McGee (for the 1st time in a very long time); and the next; Tim was shutting down faster than a store front facing a hurricane. His eyes slammed shut to hide whatever emotions managed to show themselves. Tony had gotten so caught up in the fun of joking around with McGee again; he'd forgotten the tension and conversation of the day. Innocent as the jibe had been; it only taken a micro-second for the results. As much as Tony had wanted to snatch his words back out of the air before he'd even finished speaking the last one; it wasn't possible; the damage was done!

_Oh, God, Gibbs is gonna kill me!_ Tony was sweating and angry at himself. _What the hell kind of a thing is that to say after what happened this morning? Hell, wasn't I the one to explain to Gibbs what exactly was running thru Probie's head? What the hell is wrong with me?_

Tony couldn't quit mentally kicking himself; or kick himself hard enough to salve his conscience. _Damn it, what a stupid thing to say! _He knew it wasn't what he'd said so much as the deliberate emphasis (why the hell had he done that?) on the words he used it on; as well as what else could and would have been read into it; unspoken but clearly understood.

One minute they're joking about the rarity of Gibbs bringing them coffee AND a donut; and the next; they were talking about how Gibbs usually handled things with them; and what gets said? Oh, nothing too important. Yeah. Right. That's why Tim couldn't get out of the squad room fast enough and Tony and Ziva couldn't catch him; but damn they sure were fast in tryin!

_"Yeah, well, we all know that I'll always have Gibbs' favor; being the Senior Field Agent __**and all!**_

It had taken a minute; a very long and silent minute; but the anger had risen; quite visibly; smoldering when it reached Tim's eyes. His body had visibly stiffened; as the effects of the deliberate emphasis on the words deliberately chosen words had sunk into his brain. Tony couldn't even find the words to breach that wall of anger he'd seen there. The only thing he could think to do was attempt to apologise. But, it was like talking to a brick wall; it hadn't made a difference. It hadn't even gotten a reaction!

Tim had just stared at him for a long second; then, silently turned and left the squad room. The only difference this time had been that instead of running; Tim had calmly walked out. The anger radiating off of him was unnerving. Tony had quickly looked to see if Gibbs had caught any of this; but the bossman was, thankfully, lost in the world of the case reports. _Thank God, Gibbs is a stickler for accuracy in reports! I will never again complain about that!_

Tony exchanged looks with Ziva; both of them silently and calmly going after Tim; not wanting to raise Gibbs' attention to the situation. It was better to leave him reading thru the reports; for now. It was a guaranteed fact; trouble would find them over this; soon enough.

*************

Tim was livid. He wasn't sure who he was so damn angry with; himself or Tony. Yeah, Tony threw it up in his face; but he, himself had accepted it and the way it made him feel; letting it bother him as deeply and as quickly as it did. Either way; Tim was too angry to stay in the same breathing space as Tony right now; so, once again; he ran; thankfully, this time; he'd kept enough wits about him to do it in a much more mature fashion!. He had done more than his share of running already today!

While Tim quickly sought out the gym; knowing it would be the very _last _place Tony would ever look for him; Tony; true to form; started to check everywhere else in the building. While enroute to Ducky; his phone rang. "Yeah Boss." Tony answered.

**"DiNozzo; where the hell are you? Where the hell is Ziva and McGee?"** Gibbs anger wasn't to be trifled with. Tony knew this. He started sweating in earnest now. He'd' known there would be trouble over this; but now that it was here? _Oh, God, please don't let him kill me! He was tryin so hard to fix things with McGee and I've probably just screwed up his chances forever!_

Tony quickly sent out a hope that Tim would not take this out on Gibbs.

**"TONY!"** Gibbs was waiting for an answer.

"Um, Boss. Ziva and I; will be right there!"

**"Where's McGee?"**

"I have no idea!"

**"Why the hell not? Weren't you all just here a few minutes ago waiting for your reports back from me; like you should have been?** Gibbs pointedly asked; hoping Tony, as usual would get the message.

"Yeah, Boss. Listen can I tell you about when I get to your desk, please?" Tony needed time to pull his scattered sentences together.

**"You got 2 minutes!"** Gibbs was seriously pissed. He sent up a silent prayer that whatever had happened between his two agents; hadn't totally screwed up the progress he'd made with Tim earlier today. It didn't matter that he and Tony had another level to their relationship; now that he'd been given the wake-up call he'd been given this morning; he wasn't about to screw it up!. He just hoped that Tony had not already ruined whatever chance that had been left.

_Speaking of wake-up calls; didn't Tony remember any of what had happened; what had been talked about; this morning? Why in the hell would Tony do anything to work against what he was trying to fix? Well, there's no telling what the hell happened; Tony better have a good explanation. Something in Tony's hesitation sounds like serious trouble!_

Picking his cell phone back up; Gibbs hit the speed dial number for McGee; hoping this would not be one of those times; his youngest agent's stubborn streak would flare up.

"Boss." Tim's strained voice answered. Obviously he was upset.

"McGee I don't know what just happened in here; but I need you back at your desk in 15 minutes." Gibbs quiet but authoritative decree left no room for any kind of response; be it anger or disagreement; or even complacent agreement as he disconnected the call.

Right now, Gibbs was too close to snapping off on both of them; he hated it when they put him in a position of having to act like a high school principal; settling school fights! He was more than ready to send them home.

Giving Tim some time before he had to report back to Gibbs; was also giving Gibbs time to grill Tony and Ziva about whatever it was that had happened in here. Even High School principals knew that there's two sides to every story.

Just for a moment; he was even prepared to send them off to camp; as bunkmates just to make them get it out of their systems. Then memory served him better; and that thought was vanquished to the far corners of his mind. This was far more serious than that.

Tony and Ziva quietly returned to the squad room.

'_Start talking, DiNozzo!"_ was all Tony got when he and Ziva came and stood in front of his desk.

Tony quietly explained what had happened; backed up by Ziva; apparently as flustered by the situation as Tony obviously was. Once he had said all he had to say; Gibbs; obviously controlling his anger; advised them both to quietly wait out Tim's reappearance at his desk and take whatever storm blew their way.

Hearing what Tony's remark to Tim had been; having instructed Tony to repeat it _exactly_ as it had been stated to McGee; angered Gibbs beyond his control to channel it positively; leaving him no other alternative than to just keep his mouth shut on the subject. Tony knew Gibbs well enough; hell they all did; to know when Gibbs did _NOT _say something; is when he is most pissed and should NOT be bothered.

And right now, Gibbs was way past pissed; he was livid. There was _no _excuse for this kind of pettiness on his team. Especially when it was so unnecessarily hurtful and pointless; the ONLY point of it being to deliberately be hurtful! Hoping Tim would be calm enough to be open to letting this be quickly resolved and forgiven; Gibbs patiently waited him out.

Tim, for his part; was almost completely calm; although anxious to be done with the day. It had gone so damn well, too! Tony had to go and ruin it! Damn him, anyway! Well, he wouldn't let Gibbs have a reason to draw this out or get even more upset with him. There were bigger issues on the back burner that were of much more concern than Tony's mouth.

"McGee; DiNozzo has something he wants to say; then you can have your 1 minute on the floor." Gibbs didn't waste any time getting down to business as soon as Tim walked in the room.

Tony promptly apologized. "Probie, I didn't think before I opened my mouth; I'm sorry man!"

The tension in the air was thick enough to cut thru it with a knife. You could almost hear it spark between them. Tim looked hard at Tony; trying to gage the level of honesty he was or wasn't hearing. He wanted this to end so they could all go home. He was content to let it drop; for now. It wouldn't change the whole picture; anyway. Looking at Gibbs; searching for his take on this; he grinned. Wiping the grin off his face; he turned back to Tony.

Then, Tim shocked the hell out of the Senior Field Agent. He smiled at him! Letting him sweat for a long minute; Tim remained silently smiling at Tony. After that long minute was up; Tim took pity on the other agent.

"Relax, Tony; it's over; it's done. Forget it!" holding out his hand; asking that they shake on it dumbfounded Tony more than the accepted apology had!

"Whew! Thanks, man. Really." Tony gave back as he gladly shook Tim's hand in a joint gesture of peace; seriously relieved for this to be over.

"**Wrap it up! Go home!"** Gibbs ultimate reward was issued; unusually quiet; since they were all standing relatively close to each other; anything louder hadn't been necessary.

Quickly the squad room was filled with the sounds of agents packing it in for the day. Gibbs, having silently motioned for Tony to go on without him; had just as quietly left the squad room for a coffee refill; when suddenly it dawned on him.

Tonight had been the 1st time in a very long time that Tim had told everyone good night as they left! Somehow; that piece of information was not sitting positively in his gut. Remembering how Tim had not answered Abby's question earlier in the day; if he was coming back after his three days of leave; Gibbs gut began to churn. Gibbs knew there was no way in hell; with three days of freedom at hand; Tim would still be here. Damn it!

He hadn't had the chance to follow up on his suspicion and actually check out whether or not Tim had done more than request leave. If the Director knew more than Gibbs did; she would tell him; by the time he got done talking to her. But, that would have to wait until Tomorrow. If Tim had filed for a transfer or worse; his resignation; Gibbs knew where the man lived and had no qualms about paying him a visit to talk to him. Tonight; it was late and they all deserved a break; from work and from each other.

Fully expecting to find his youngest field agent already gone for the day; escaped to his three days of wherever it was he had felt the need to run to; Gibbs returned to his desk. Taking in the silent and empty squad room; Gibbs actually experienced a moment of peace. He basked in it for a long moment; eyes closed; savoring his hot fresh coffee; brain actually switched to low gear. Force of habit had his eyes open and securing the room in front of him without even thinking about it.

As his eyes completed their visual circle of the rest of the 1st floor; coming to a dead stop as they took in the view at the window by the stairs; that moment of peace ended; abruptly.


	6. Letting It All Out

**A/N:** CORRECTED ENDING OF THIS CHAPTER- MAJOR CHANGE!

_Okay, here it is: apologies for the delay. _

_This is a long chapter; difficult to find a good place to interrupt it. I sincerely hope you like it. I apologise if you don't. A lot of what's in here is things that bothered me about what was done to Tim over the years. I couldn't help myself._

_**ENJOY!**_

******************

Surprisingly enough, his youngest field agent was; still here? Sure enough; there he stood; silently leaning his hip against the window by the stairs; deep in thought; seemingly transfixed by the view. Gibbs; however, knew better. Tim McGee was seriously troubled. Tim McGee was asking for help.

Tim had; for once in his career; disregarded the fact that Gibbs was still here; when he had felt the need to stretch his legs and look outside; he'd just gotten up and found what he'd needed; the window; satisfying both needs and providing him with a sense of peace that would hopefully calm his troubled soul; as the sight of the water usually did; even from this distance. Standing there; letting his eyes lose focus and his mind run free; he felt drained. Now running free, his mind screaming for the calm he was trying desperately to grasp onto. He wasn't ready to face traffic; or people; the altercation with Tony had just sucked the energy right out of him. He just needed peace and quiet. Tim let the calmness settle over him like a blanket. It was nice.

Gibbs knew his youngest field agent well enough to know that Tim only stood at that window like this when his soul was burdened with something too big for him to handle on his own. Over the years Tim had been on Gibbs' team; it had become almost like a beacon; a silent call for help; a signature move; Gibbs called it. Tim used it; almost unintentionally; to get his attention; alerting him when all else had failed to do so; to the fact that Tim was in something over his head and needed Gibbs' help. He would stand there, losing himself in his problems; after everyone else had gone home. _"This is why I try to be the last one to leave every night."_ Gibbs reminded himself. _To catch these things_.

_Finally!_ Tim sighed in relief; now, he could stop trying to explain himself; knowing he didn't have the right to say anything; stop hiding himself; stop everything that had been wearing him down for so long. No one was around for him to protect or hide from. Hopefully, he had even managed to go off Gibbs' radar. Maybe if he stood still; soaking up this balm to his soul he had managed to find in this moment; Gibbs would leave without even noticing him. One could only hope. Hope had appeared seriously over-rated this morning; but since then; well since then; it had managed to come a long way in resurrecting Tim's belief in its' ability to sustain his heart amidst all the trouble residing there.

It wasn't necessarily that Tim _wanted _to see Gibbs leave without saying anything; more that Tim wasn't sure he could talk everything out with him without screwing things up for himself even worse than they already were. He wasn't sure what scared him more; letting Gibbs in or continuing to struggle with keeping him out! He felt himself almost shaking from nerves; just contemplating having that conversation with Gibbs. If and when it did happen; it would not be a pretty sight. And it damn sure wouldn't be a quiet one!

Obviously, Gibbs thought; the email exchanged between Tim and himself earlier this morning hadn't vanquished whatever was troubling Tim; but then again, Gibbs hadn't expected it too. He had expected it; however, to pave the way for Tim to be able to feel more at ease about coming to him and talking to him about what was going on in that brain of his. Obviously that hadn't quite worked out so well, either. The altercation between Tim and Tony just a little while ago; certainly hadn't helped matters. Gibbs had been so proud of Tim at the way he had handled himself. His calm acceptance of Tony's apology, had been a credit to the young' man's character. Gibbs respected him for it. The grin Tim had flashed him? Well, that had had been a sight for sore eyes; especially, given the situation at the time. And watching Tim make Tony sweat while he smiled silently at him for that long minute? Well, that had just been Priceless!

Gibbs had been hard pressed not to bust out laughing at the time. But, now? Now, unfortunately, Gibbs found nothing to even smile about; looking at Tim; seeing him so bothered he couldn't even go home and enjoy the days off he'd requested? It was obvious that anything accomplished in this arena today hadn't been enough to ease Tim's troubled mind. His youngest agent had apparently refocused; back to the problems that have been weighing him down for a while now. At least Gibbs knew the crux of what Tim's burden was this time; thanks to largely in part to Tony's insight. It was as good a place to start as any. There was also, obviously, no better time than now.

"Tim." Gibbs greeted the obviously still troubled agent quietly, not wanting to startle him.

Silence. This silence wasn't golden; but neither was it fraught with the tension that had permeated the squad room a little while ago. Gibbs was unsettled by it; nonetheless. The need for discussion was making him antsy. Not wanting to spook Tim; Gibbs opted for the calm approach one more time; unsure if Tim had even heard him the first time, he tried again.

"Tim."

"Boss." Tim answered; respectfully turning to look Gibbs in the eye as he quietly answered his boss' call for his attention.

"Let's go grab some dinner. I think it's important that we have that conversation now. You have my word; no sanctions; no problems; no matter what is said." Gibbs quietly requested.

Silently, Tim surrendered; gave up the fight. Since Gibbs obviously cared enough to pursue this; and Tim had said he would talk if Gibbs could make that promise; it was the least he could do. Gibbs; his boss; was willing to take the time to hear him out and treat him to dinner? Well, yeah; so far it sounded like a win-win situation. Tim began to feel a flash of something _other_than the anger, pain and guilt he'd been carrying around! Whatever it was; it felt almost positive.

"Okay," Tim quietly agreed; feeling a deep sense of appreciation for Gibbs' determination to talk this out. Especially, given the confrontations they had had today. For the 1st time in a very long time; Tim felt a more than a glimmer of hope; a ray of light; flash momentarily thru the dark recesses of his pain filled heart. With a lighter step and a renewed sense of hope, Tim left the building and the navy yard with Gibbs; something else that hadn't happened in a very long time.

Dinner turned out to be a much more complicated ordeal than it had sounded in Gibbs' head when he had proposed the idea. After the restaurant had been chosen; deciding where to eat that would afford them the privacy they needed for a personal conversation; took some hard thinking on Gibbs' part.

_It's pretty much a given; Tim won't want to go back to my' house; he probably isn't comfortable going there; considering it's my relationship with Tony; at home; that seems to be the root of the problem with Tim in the first place. Even though the team's been there together for dinner before; he probably would be pissed if I even suggested it. _

Tim felt a stab of hurt that Gibbs hadn't invited him to take their dinner to his place. _But then again, why would he? Tony was probably there waiting for Gibbs. It's not my place. Isn't that what's at the very heart of this anyway? Isn't the rest of it built up from that? Sure it was a hell of a lot that has built up; but isn't the foundation of the problem important too? _Tim tramped down on the refreshed pain his thoughts were dredging up_. Speaking of Tony; he should be here for this. It's just as much his fault as it is Gibbs';_ Tim thought; his anger suddenly flaring up again. Just as quickly; Tim stomped it back down; it would not solve the problem.

Silently, Gibbs watched Tim' for a reaction as he drove away from the direction of his house; knowing it would flash in his eyes. Sure enough; he got one. The hurt was quick to pass thru Tim's eyes. Gibbs stored that piece of knowledge away for later discussion.

_Tim's apartment is too far away .Everywhere else seems just too damn public for a private conversation._

Finally, Gibbs silently just drove them back to the park near the office; overlooking the calming waters. Privacy abounded for whatever it was that needed to be said. After a companionably quiet ride to and from picking up the food; and consuming it; Gibbs felt like they had taken a few good steps forward.

N_ow, if we could just get down to the matter at hand; we'd be getting somewhere!_

Gibbs was more than ready to get to the bottom of whatever was eating at Tim so badly. He had wanted to wait for Tim to open the discussion however he needed to; but it didn't seem like Tim could bring himself to do it. Taking a deep breath, Gibbs took the jump.

"Tim."

"Gibbs"

The simultaneous attempts to start the conversation drew a smile from them both. Gibbs gestured for Tim to take the floor of the conversation; not failing to catch the fact that this was the 1st time he could recall that Tim had _**ever**_ called him that, to his face. It was another small measure of concern; but Gibbs put it away for later reference; right next to the hurt he'd seen a few moments ago.

"I don't feel comfortable talking to you about this, without Tony. I don't want to be talking about him behind his back. And since this concerns him; that's where this conversation would lead." Tim's quiet declaration fueled Gibbs resolve to get this taken care of.

Gibbs smiled in appreciation for Tim's respect for his fellow-agent; and whipped out his cell phone. Speed-dialing Tony; he told him to hurry up and get his ass to their location. He then smiled at Tim as he put the phone back in his pocket.

Tim actually smiled back at him. Gibbs had actually noted that this was the third time Tim had done that today. A handful of positive things received in one day; from someone who hadn't had any positive signs in a very long time. Maybe there was hope

"Anything you feel ready to let me in on while we wait for Tony?" Gibbs asked quietly

"I want to apologise for any and all inappropriate or rude behavior on my part that I have committed recently or lately." The obvious depth of Tim's sincerity removed any shred of humor Gibbs may have found at the broadness encompassed within that apology.

"Forgiven." Gibbs quietly but sincerely cut the discussion short on the dreaded apologies. He knew that Tim knew how he felt about them; hell everyone knew how Gibbs felt about apologies. Which; Gibbs realized; just showcased how badly Tim must feel about the recent events; to have offered up such a broad spectrum of one in the first place!

Tim felt like he had just been slapped; until he took a minute to refresh his brain on the fact that Gibbs only changed his mind about his stand on apologies when it was between friends. His heart ached. Guess Gibbs didn't consider them friends either; judging by his tone of voice, anyway. The glimmer of hope was fading fast.

Gibbs watched Tim's countenance change and then change again. The small sign of a smile vanished and his shoulders slouched; again. _Okay, how in the hell had that been taken wrong?_ Gibbs sighed. This was gonna be harder than he realized. He wished Tony would hurry the hell up and get here.

Ten painfully silent minutes later; Tony arrived, He walked up to the pair of them just as silently as they were standing; not knowing what to expect; definitely not liking what he was seeing.. When no one seemed to know how to break the silence between them; Tony took the bull by the horns.

"Ok, guys; I'm here. Why exactly _am_ I here?" Tony deliberately threw his voice; in a vain attempt to break the shroud of ice surrounding Gibbs and McGee. _Well, this is gonna be fun!_

"Tim wanted you to be here. This conversation apparently concerns you too; although we should have already realized that." Gibbs explained; not taking his eyes off Tim; watching for any and all emotions to appear in his expressive eyes.

Using that explanation to get the ball rolling; Gibbs continued; this time; directing his words at Tim. "Tim, I admit that I didn't get the full scope of what you were trying to explain to me this morning. Since then, as I'm sure you know; Tony and I have talked about that conversation and thanks to Tony's explanation; I get it now; a lot more than I did this morning."

Stopping to give Tim a chance to process what he had just said.; Gibbs took a couple of breaths while he waited before he finished what he had to say. "Since Tony seems to understand where you're coming from; I'm gonna let him explain it; so you can tell us if we have it right or set us straight if we don't." Gibbs quietly explained.

Tim silently; tensely waited for the shoes to start dropping.

"Thanks for including me in this, Probie; especially after I acted like an ass earlier." Tony's appreciation was genuine; but it still earned him a flash of smouldering anger from Tim. _Tony was confused now. Hadn't Tim said he forgave him? What the hell was going on? _

_Tony's statement _didn't bring a response from his fellow agent; though; so, he continued on with what he needed to say;

"You're probably gonna find what I explained to Gibbs to be a tiny bit embarrassing; but if we're gonna clear the air; and set things right between us; it needs to be said, all right?" Tony wasn't gonna blindside his probie with anything if he could help it.

Tim looked Tony in the eye. The worry flaring in those eyes ate at Tony; but he had to do this for Tim's own good. "I told Gibbs that the point he was missing was this:"

"If I were in your shoes right now and I had found out that you and him were having a personal relationship outside the office; I would feel like I had lost my surrogate father. I would feel like he was telling me that I was no longer good enough to be on his team; that he had chosen you over me; stopped treating us as equals. I would feel like I had lost his approval; his respect and trust; as well as any merit as a member of his team. I would feel like I was no longer good enough to be on Team Gibbs. And I would feel like you were probably agreeing with him on all of that; which would make it damn difficult to work with either of you."

"You know how they tell you not to buy a puppy for your child on Christmas; because too many of them get kicked to the curb after the joy of Christmas has died down? Well that kicked to the curb feeling; would definitely define how I would be feeling right about now; if I were in your shoes."

"Does that cover it?

That's all it took! Relieved of the stress of trying to keep them in check; the tears quickly resurfaced; spilled out; and flowed like a river. Not wanting to cry in front of Tony; Tim quickly looked away from him; incidentally meeting Gibbs' eyes for a split second before quickly dropping his eyes to the ground. Looking back up; out at the water; he let his emotions have free reign for the 1st time in a very long time. the confrontation they'd barely escaped from just a little while ago; still fresh and raw; he may have forgiven Tony; but that hadn't taken away the hurt Tony had inflicted; seemingly deliberate. Tim turned his body away from his boss and fellow agent when he couldn't find the strength to stop the tears. The best he could do was shake his head in silent painful disagreement to Tony's question.

Gibbs, who had not taken his eyes off Tim since Tony had started talking; hurt for his youngest surrogate son. Hearing Tony's explanation again; grated just as harshly on his heart as the 1st time. He saw the fresh tears; had seen the tension; everything rolling thru Tim's eyes as Tony's spoken explanation worked its' way thru Tim's bottled up emotions. This afternoon's near confrontation came screaming back into focus; the words spoken that had ignited it; relighting the understanding for Gibbs; of what it was exactly that Tim was reacting to at this very moment. When Tim had accidentally met his eyes; and Gibbs had seen the depth of the pain looking back at him; the parental lion in him had seriously woken up; ready to charge to this young man's defense.

Gibbs, as everyone knew; was never one for this emotional mushy stuff; but this was different. This was crucial healing and bonding of a rift that no one had realized had opened up; save Tim; who had been the one in danger of getting lost in that rift; falling thru the crack. Gibbs knew that this had to be played out. It had to be taken seriously and taken care of now. If his team were gonna be a team that could safely protect each other; this kind of stuff couldn't be left unfixed.

He quickly glanced at Tony; needing to see his reaction to Tim's response to his explanation.

Tony wasn't even trying to hide the pain he was obviously feeling for his teammate.. He hated to be right about this; but then again he was relieved to be able to get to the bottom of this. Now, maybe he and Gibbs could mend this broken relationship with Tim. Tim was too important to them.

Tony knew it wasn't fair that they had hurt him like this; left him floundering on his own. He had been a horrible big brother lately; totally focusing on Gibbs; leaving little brother out in the cold with no attempt at mentoring him thru this strange and unchartered territory. And this afternoon? Oh, why the hell, hadn't he just kept his big mouth shut? Damn, _DiNozzo; you can't lookout for_ _anybody, can you?_ _Had either of them even stopped to sure up Tim's feelings on the subject? Well, no; they hadn't realized he knew. So, how could they have?_

Hopefully, it could still be fixed. It was for sure that Tim's pain couldn't be taken back; but maybe they could make sure he didn't have to experience any more of it? Tony would see to that.

"Tim, I am sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I know I am partly responsible for you feeling this way. I know you control how you feel; but if I had been here for you to talk to; no matter what it was about; maybe you wouldn't be standing there feeling like you're drowning and we're just uncaring spectators? Maybe you wouldn't feel so much like you're not good enough for this team anymore." He fell silent; waiting for Tim to say something. Anything.

The long silence filling the air; was extremely unnerving and seriously heart-wrenching; given the amount of apology and acknowledgement of wrong –doing that had been put out there for Tim to accept. Tim was so quiet; even with the tears; tears that he was trying to get a grip on. Gibbs could only stand it for so long. He had to put an end to Tim's silence and this being dragged out endlessly. Gibbs sought Tim's verbal response. He was unsure if Tim's silence was a good thing or a bad thing at this point. It wasn't normal. . It wasn't helping any of them

"Tim?"

Tim was trying to process everything that had been handed to him. While he appreciated it all; it felt like a drop of water in his ocean of pain and anger. Now that the pain had finally been given an outlet; the unaddressed reasons for that pain; the cause of his long dormant raging anger, were screaming for verbal acknowledgement because they still lay undealt with .

Not knowing how to explain that without seeming ungrateful or out of control; Tim turned around to face Gibbs and Tony; silently; hoping that for once; they could just read how he felt from his expression. Maybe; just maybe' the fact that instead of being able to wipe away and stop the tears; they were rolling unchecked down his face; would clue them in? God knows they read him like a book when he's _not_ trying to show them his feelings; would it be safe to bet that they would read him as well; this one time he _was_ trying to show them?

Tony silently held out his arms for a hug and threw a questioning look Tim's way. Would he accept a hug from him?

Tim shook his head at Tony's attempt at emotional support; too little too late as it was; the gesture only served to undo the lock on Tim's fight to keep his anger from getting out; sending him over the edge; the sobs hitting him; driving him to his knees; his shoulders shaking .. _There's too much to say_. _Tony just doesn't get it! Gibbs probably doesn't either! I can't do this!_

Tony felt lost; in over his head. All he could do is look to Gibbs for help. Gibbs looked back at Tony and then walked over to Tim. Crouching down in front of his agent; Gibbs attempted to break thru Tim's obvious pain. Gibbs knew the signs; Tim was just a feather's touch from spilling everything out; getting rid of it; all he needed was to be pushed to that point

"Tim, what are we missing? Talk to us! Remember! No repercussions here! You can't go on like this! Let. It. Out."

Tim caught his breath; made himself take several deep breaths; gathered up his errant emotions and got them back under control; _just barely_. Taking a deep shuddering breath; he pulled himself together; _just barely_. Getting to his feet and wiping his face on his shirt; he looked at Gibbs for a long silent minute; then he looked at Tony; who had walked over to stand just behind Gibbs; who had stood back up; ready to catch Tim if he had stumbled.

Looking back, one last time at Gibbs; his eyes begging him for reassurance that he had nothing to worry about; whatever he had to say; he waited. He knew Gibbs had already given him that promise; even repeated it already; but this; this was different; this was the heat of the moment; the time it counted.

Gibbs understood. "No consequences; no repercussions; whatever you need to say; however you need to say it; just do it. Get it out. Let it go!"

"Please, don't think I don't appreciate your apology; both of you; because I do." The more words he got out; the stronger his voice became; gaining strength for the firestorm he was getting ready to unleash. Bolstered by Gibbs re-affirmation of the promise made; Tim let it rip; starting out slowly; as he mentally tried to channel everything and not leave anything behind.

"_But you have to understand! This has been building for a very long time now. I've known about your relationship for quite a long time now and I've kept my mouth shut; trying to maintain the norm; trying hard to not notice the changes on the team; between the two of you; how you treat me differently now; but you don't treat Abby or Ziva any differently; tried very hard to suck it all up and just deal with it; but you know what? There comes a point where enough is enough!"_

_You two already had been together for 3 years before I even got here! I already knew I was fighting a loosing battle when I was assigned to this team. That wall that all Probie's have to climb before they're no longer probies; it's unsurmountable, unbreachable on Team Gibbs . I get that. I've understood that since we lost Kate! ! It took you 2 friggin years before you even thought to mention my name in your discussions about "NCIS family"! _

By this time; Tim's words were coming fast and furious; the train unstoppable as it plowed thru the mire of all he'd been holding in. He no longer cared how any of it came out; only that it did. He wanted that vault emptied out; completely! Almost.

"**It took me a very long time to stop trying; but I got it! I'm the third wheel. I always have been. Ever since we lost Kate; God rest her soul; it's become glaringly obvious. I'm never gonna come close to being "equal" on this team! I'm the youngest of the pack; the one to be bullied and toughened up and harassed to your heart's content. **

**And you, having the seniority and now the "extra" relationship with the Boss; means there's no stopping any of it! It has never mattered when I say enough is enough. It never matters that there are limits to how much one person can take; that I tell you that you've stretched those limits beyond what I can handle. It never matters that when I get hurt; tazered; attacked by dogs; suffering with poison ivy; whatever; that instead of concern; help; or God forbid; compassion; I get ridiculed; scorned; and laughed at! After all, that just means I'm weak, right?"**

Tim's voice was now loud and ringing with anger. Anger that he now, unleashed on Gibbs; with no attempt to contain it or control it.

"**And you let him get away with it! You don't even attempt to reign him in unless you're tired of hearing it! You barely show concern. When Jethro attacked me; I was honored with a touch of your concern. You didn't even catch how surprised I was to get that! **

"**I've been tasered twice since I've worked at NCIS. Have you ever been tasered, Boss? Well, it hurts. It's excruciating. It's frightening because you can't move. Your whole body seizes up. Twice that happened to me. It's weird, but that I can accept. What I can't accept is how I'm treated for it**

**No concern! While Tony stood there and laughed his ass off while I was in excruciating pain; you did nothing! I don't even recall you taking the time to make sure I was okay! You left that solely up to Ducky! You sure as hell never asked me how I felt! Not even a glimmer of concern!**

**Hell, when Abby went against what I told her to do; when Mower was after her; and he got past her into my apartment because she didn't' keep the door locked or look at who it was before she opened the door? You punished me! You didn't listen to anything I said. Abby's never wrong. Tony's never wrong And Tim doesn't matter! Tim's clumsy; Tim's immature; Tim's not to be taken seriously; unless of course; it's a technical issue. And if it is a technical issue; Tim can never do it fast enough or good enough; it's that simple! "**

**You wanted to toughen me up? Damn it, Gibbs! I'm not a Marine or a cop or a Massad officer; or Secret Service! You always knew that! I'm nothing but a geek technical nerd and for all your spouting off about me being good enough for this team; you sure haven't backed that up with any actions! You've toughened me up! You wanted me to stop being afraid to speak my mind? Fine, you've done that! **

"**I realize that I screw up more than anyone else on this team. I get that. I'm reminded of that every day when I think of Erin and Benedict! You think it's easy to live with that? You think it's easy coming in here every day knowing that I'm probably gonna screw up something today; or get hurt; or get someone else hurt? Knowing that I'm just being tolerated because somehow I just can't seem to screw up enough to get tossed out on my ass?" **

**As long as all this is all you think of when it comes to me; you will never fully see me as a Field Agent with any more potential. I know you did when you first met me; but since then? With all this standing in the way? I seriously doubt it! **

**You only turn to me for help when you have to! You don't think of me in the same sense of reliability and trust that you do Tony or even Ziva! Me? For some reason I didn't understand before; I'm still having to prove myself to you like I'm still a green probie new to the job!**

**And yes, all of this does have to do with you're outside relationship with each other; because that's the reason for all of it! It all makes sense now! Your **_**personal **_**relationship **_**finally**_** explains it all! You have each other's backs and the hell with me! I get it now.**

_You both work with me everyday and not once in a very long time have either of you looked up or away from each other long enough to see what this was doing to me? You couldn't even tell that I was drowning in all of this?_

_I'm done! I give up the fight. You're so right; I'm not good enough for Team Gibbs! Satisfied?"_

Tim had run out of steam.

He was done.

Finished.

In more ways than one!


	7. What Happens Now?

Tim had been holding all that in for so long now. He finally felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders; at last. The vault was empty; almost. That one last little (it was little, wasn't it?) piece could stay there. Tim was content with that.

He found himself still reeling in shock; with the very experience of having his boss, Leroy, Jethro Gibbs; giving him the freedom to let that confrontation even happen. Tim didn't quite know what to do with himself now; now that it was all (almost) out there; raw; open; vulnerable to Gibbs' fury and or Tony's ridicule! Damn, he felt exposed!

Well, Tim determined that he wasn't gonna give either one of them that chance. He'd worked too damn hard; suffered in silence too damn long; they weren't gonna take his sense of relief away from him, now! He steadily, silently and calmly walked away from them both. With dignity; he left them there. He calmed his breathing down as he walked. With no destination in mind; his feet just took him away from them. Suddenly, those three days leave were burning a hole in his pocket. But, he couldn't bring himself to leave the navy yard just yet. Somehow; for some reason, this felt unfinished.

The negative thoughts were still churning in his head; not yet completely satisfied. Why was it Gibbs could break his own rules that he force fed his agents? What about his famous Rule #12? _No dating a co-worker_! Even though this rule formed the foundation of the one last piece of unfinished pain in his heart; Tim wasn't prepared to deal with it now. Hell, at this point; he wasn't even prepared to think about it; never mind expose it!

What now? Now that he had thrown it all out there; where did that leave him? What did that leave him as the next thing to do? Should he just leave; take his 3 days off and just come back like nothing happened? He wouldn't be able to stay in town; Tony and or Gibbs would hound the hell out of him over this, if he did that!

But, he wasn't prepared to go just anywhere; just to run away from those two! Damn it, he was sick of running from being comfortable with his own life! Wait! He still had to complete Step 2 of his plan! That's right! He'd almost forgotten about that! Tim turned his feet toward the building and went in to do just that!

**************

Gibbs and Tony were stricken with imobility and speechlessness in the wake of Tim's outburst and everything he had thrown at them. Watching him walk silently and determinedly away from them; they could only marvel at the way they had been thrown completely off guard by one Tim McGee.. Tim's normally calm demeanor had long allowed them to believe that he didn't even have this kind of extreme emotion inside him. They had never heard Tim's voice raised like this; at anybody!

Gibbs recalled parts of what Tim had obviously not gotten over. Apparently, Tim held on to guilt like a 2nd skin; for a hellova lot longer than even Gibbs had realized.

_You ever hesitate because you second guess yourself again. I'll take your badge! Are we clear?_

Yeah, he'd been angry, furious, in fact, when he'd said those words to Tim three years ago. But it had been anger born out of parental outrage that his surrogate son had just put himself in mortal danger. Tim was like a son to him. But it had been more than that; Tim should have _known_ better. Gibbs still remembered the rage he felt when Tim had just stood there, his hand on Gibbs' backup weapon. Frozen! Gibbs had let his anger run away with the situation; going off his agent; getting in his face; with barely controlled fury; had his say and allowed his anger to rule him as he walked away; leaving his troubled agent standing there, without a single word of comfort or encouragement; just staring at Archer's body. Another victim in the tragedy that his agent already felt responsible for.l

Gibbs had known that Tim was already totally overwhelmed with the death of the innocent cop and the guilt just from the possibility of responsibility; was eating him up inside. It hadn't been but 10 minutes later that Gibbs had slapped himself for the near-fatal mistake in taking Tim along. His intentions had been in the right place, but he had rushed the issue. Thinking he was doing his agent a favor; he had instead; done the young man much more harm than good.

Truth be told, it had taken Gibbs a long time to stop feeling bad about the way he'd handled that. But, out of habit; he'd never let it show; choosing instead to use those feelings to seemingly cut the young man some slack for the rest of the week; although he did order Tim to spend extra time at the range; and requalify just to suit Gibbs' requirements- he needed to know that the team could depend on Tim to not freeze again. But, the anger he had felt at himself had kept him from feeling comfortable around Tim for a long time. Looking back now, Gibbs could visualize where Tim might have misconstrued Gibbs' behavior and taken it as a sign that Gibbs no longer trusted him after that incident.

Gibbs had dropped the subject like a hot potato; not having the heart to bring up such a painful time in Tim's experience with the agency. He knew that the Agency's shrink was much better equipped to help his agent; so that's the order that was handed down to the young man; extra range time; re-qualify and time with the Agency shrink.

Tim had quietly and in a almost depressed manner; followed the order to the letter. Gibbs recalled; Tim hardly spoke to anyone for a while after that incident. It had been almost like he was punishing himself. Gibbs and Tim had never discussed it again. Not once in the three years following that day! Gibbs had eventually forgotten about it. Tim hadn't hesitated again...at least, not in Gibbs' sight. Tim had gotten more experience; grown up. He'd needed someone to be tough on him to get him to reach his potential.

_Isn't that what boot camp is for? We break them down to build them up again?_ Gibbs asked himself. Another voice piped up from its hiding place deep down inside. _But like McGee said; he isn't in the military. He didn't go to boot camp, not even to ROTC. He's never been in battle. He went to MIT. The worst he ever faced was bullies...and Tony. He wasn't raised to think that way He's had none of these experiences; with the exception; of course of Tony's acting out of the Frat brother from hell!_

_How many times has this kid tried to tell you and Tony that he wasn't like you two? He didn't come from the same background and experiences. Don't you remember that's where his self-doubt was entrenched? How long did it take you to get rid of that in him, anyway? _Gibbs found himself asking himself_._

Obviously, Gibbs had missed the mark on that situation; as well as many key other ones. Most of which; apparently; had painful repercussions for Tim, at the most; while having really bad memories and vibes for him, at the very least!

Why hadn't Gibbs shown any concern when Tim got Tazered? Why had he allowed Tony to get a way with acting so callously about it? Gibbs knew there had been a possibility of heart problems with something like that! Instead he had shoved the responsibility of making sure Tim was okay, onto Ducky. Even Ducky had admonished him over his terrible neglect of his agent on that occasion! Gibbs remembered trying to justify his actions with the excuse that he was trying to solve the case as quickly as possible.

The poison ivy incidents that Tim apparently still held as a bitter pill he'd had to swallow and suffer thru; well, Gibbs had meant them as incidents of "tough love" Put together with all these other incidents; it was easy to see how Tim could have taken all of those incidents; or even just pieces, in the opposite manner that they had been intended; especially when you threw in the ridicule he'd received from it all.

In hindsight; however, Gibbs had to say that the worst case of over the top ridicule he'd let Tony get away with; had been really bad; and there was no justification in allowing Tony to have gotten away with it. The "When Dogs Attack" cd placed in Tim's computer; to scare him; had been uncalled for and cruel.

And what had Gibbs done? He'd simply continued on with his "tough boss" routine; throwing a snide comment out there and forcing the team to get back to work. Not once had he checked on McGee to make sure he hadn't been literally scared to death; given the afternoon he'd just had; and the fact that he'd kept working that day.

Gibbs could not, for the life of him, remember why he had let Tony get by with that; or for any of the other mean things, he'd let him get away with; for that matter. Gibbs remembered Abby treating Tim with callousness then, too. She had blatently put the well being of the dog before that of her team mate and long time friend. The betrayal Tim had felt had been obvious in those expressive eyes of his. Gibbs hadn't missed it. But he hadn't done anything about it, either. He had figured it was between the two of them. In hindsight now, he had to wonder if that wasn't part of what everyone saw as his favoritism toward Abby.

Gibbs had ignored the hurt look in Tim's eyes when he realized he wasn't getting any sympathy or even concern from his team mates. Gibbs had seen the way Tim had been crestfallen and downtrodden when he'd left that night; still in obvious pain from the dog attack. Gibbs remembered trying to put on his "to do" list; to have a talk with the young man the next day. Of course, he'd completely forgotten about it by the next morning.

Remembering these incidents brought a picture to Gibbs' mind of the ARMFED food chain; NCIS is always being told they're at the bottom of. Only this food chain, visualized in Gibbs' head, was of Team Gibbs and it was showing Tim at the bottom. It showed a shadowed picture of him on the row above that; but it had been covered up with Ziva.

Yeah, Gibbs had to admit; he'd done that. With the arrival of Ziva; her skills; background and ability to learn quickly; he'd unconsciously thrust her into partnership with Tony more and more; indirectly delegating Tim as Computer Geek/lab rat first; field agent, second. He hadn't even thought about it; it had just happened. It had probably felt like a demotion to the young man. He had been so focused on training Ziva; getting her broke in and ready to investigate; he'd pushed Tim aside to get it done. Was this when Tim had begun getting that "not good enough for the team" vibe?

Tony had always treated him like the Probie. But, now Gibbs realized; he had been treating the young man the same way!

And Tim was right about the computer stuff, too. Gibbs never made exceptions or room for delay; always expecting to get what he needed when he wanted it; no matter if the computers were cooperating or not. Tim always wore the brunt of that, too. But, the problem there was; it was partly Tim's own fault; unintentional, to be sure; but his fault just the same.

It was simple really; Tim always delivered; therefore Gibbs had not developed the patience for delay or problems. He had come to expect too much from Tim. He wasn't blind; he'd known that Tim's perfectionism and never-ending drive to get Gibbs what he wanted when he wanted; was fed by Tim's need to feel like his place on the team was secure; needing approval; acknowledgement; not necessarily of a job well done; but that he was doing well enough that he wasn't being replaced. Gibbs was just selfish enough to feed off of that; use it. It was a rare occasion when he thought to reward it. Too rare!

Gibbs had caught an especially poignant example of this when he'd returned from Mexico and was still trying to fit back into his position as Team Leader. Of all the people he'd worked with directly every day; Tim had been the most verbal; joyfully so; with, of course; the exception of Abby; to welcome him back.

"Good to have you back, Boss!" Tim had admitted; his still over-bright teeth catching the sun just right; giving Gibbs cause to grin.

Gibbs had heard the relief in those words; actually had taken a minute to ponder about it. But the urgency of the missing woman had brushed that thought aside. He'd seen yet another vulnerable side of Tim; later on that evening when he and Tony had had that confrontation. Tim, apparently had, at that point, felt that Tony needed to let go of the need to call someone "Probie".

Gibbs had taken pity on McGee and quietly pointed out to him that he, himself was still called that by his first boss; after how many years on the job? Apparently, Gibbs had managed to calm Tim down with that short, but sincere; quietly offered pep talk. It seemed to have had worked out well; at the time anyway.

But, as Gibbs had settled back into his role as Team Leader; Tim had once again began suffering from what appeared to be "Probie-itis" The bumbling, nervous, stuttering, unsure McGee had returned; almost like he was feeling the need to prove himself all over again. Had someone told him that since Gibbs was back; he was no longer good enough? Gibbs; once he'd noticed this; hadn't known what had happened; but he'd handled it like he handled everything else. He let his Marine training guide him and he toughened up on the young man, again; re-training him; giving DiNozzo room to razz him; re-initiate him; to certain extent. It had looked like Tim had needed it. Gibbs had only been thinking of getting things back to normal for everyone; both as individuals, (or so he had thought), and for the team as a whole.

Forging a new relationship with Tony; outside of work; had colored his handling of the team; obviously. Gibbs hadn't seen it before. He saw it now. In full color! McGee had been left behind, in more ways than one. It was obvious, in hindsight; that Gibbs had stepped into the role he'd long ago cast that second "B" in his name into; especially when it came to McGee. The most troublesome part of this truth was that Gibbs couldn't fathom _why_ he had done it! Why he'd turned such a blind eye to what he was doing to McGee and why he was allowing Tony to go overboard with pranks and ridicule, with astounding regularity and abundance.

Looking back now, Gibbs could plainly see where Tim was coming from; on all of it! It was like waking up from a nightmare and watching a video of what you had done while you were sleeping. Horrible, is what it was; knowing you've treated someone who trusted you to protect them; like they didn't matter; for a long stretch of time. Guilt came rushing up at him like a tidal wave; leaving him feeling battered and wrung out.

Sure, he related to Tony moreso than McGee; hence the relationship outside the office; but he still treasured McGee as a member of his team. He would still move heaven and earth to protect him; like he would any other member of his team. So, why hadn't he? What was the problem? Why this mess? Gibbs couldn't put his finger on it; he only knew he hadn't set out to do it. He would never deliberately hurt one of his people like this. Gibbs vowed he would move heaven and hearth to fix this

*************

Tony was in shock. He could not wrap his head around the fact that Gibbs had just let Probie get away with going off on them like that! Tim McGee raging with anger? And just how much crap had he been holding onto all this time, any damn way? And better still; why was he allowed to still be a field agent if he was carrying around that much anger? Hadn't he been ordered to see the agency shrink for any of this stuff? Tony was seeing red!

He looked over at Gibbs; who was quietly sitting on the bench; apparently contemplating what Tim had thrown at them. Unsure of what Gibbs was feeling at the moment. The only evidence of the direction of Gibbs' thoughts was the serious concern etched in his face; his white knuckles as they clenched the bench; and closed eyes; not wanting to bare his feelings to the world at large.

Tony decided that sitting still for this sucked! He wanted to let his anger rip so badly! He could tell that at least part of what Gibbs was thinking had to do with guilt. And if Gibbs felt guilty; then it was damn sure for certain that Tony bore that responsibility in equal measure. Tony was not ready to face that; even though he'd been discussing that very fact with Gibbs all damn day long; in regard to Tim. This was different. This was Tim shoving it down Tony's throat; and yeah, Tony may share the blame in this mess; but he for one; wasn't in the mood to take it like this! There were much more civilized ways to deal with this than what Tim had just done.

"Damn it!" Tony exploded, Isn't that what the Agency shrink is for? Why the hell is he still an active field agent if he's carrying around that much damn anger? And why the hell hasn't he said anything before now?"

Gibbs; startled out of his thoughts; just glared at Tony; trying to stop his outburst. "Think about this, DiNozzo! What makes you think he hasn't talked to a shrink? Do you really think I'd let any of you out in the field without monitoring you? Do you really think he's carried all of this around without any help at all? Sure it seems like it; but if you'd pay attention; you'll notice it wasn't the incidents that have kept him withdrawing from us lately; it's our relationship outside the office; that he feels is affecting these incidents! The catalyst that he can't explain to anyone; for fear of reprisals?" Gibbs attempted to explain. "You know damn well, that Tim has not once endangered anyone or done a bad job in the field! This was just his day in court; the chance to fly in the face of the ones who've done him wrong!"

"You and I just need to figure out how to deal with it from here! We need to fix it and go on. But remember this, Tony; before you sprout on about what he has or hasn't said before; ask yourself this question; "How many times have we paid attention when he does complain? Don't we just make fun of his complaint; or tell him to toughen up? I know, I for one; have had enough. This needs to be fixed! It's a wonder he still wants to be here; and I for one; am gonna make sure he continues to want to stay here! It's time to set things right; they've been wrong for too damn long!

Gibbs got up off the bench and went in search of his confidant. He'd seen him lurking in the trees thru this whole ordeal; listening; wating; watching for signs of trouble or someone possibly needing rescue. That was just his way. Gibbs breathed a sigh of relief; at least he wouldn't have to repeat any of it in order to discuss it with him.

He just hoped Ducky was still here.


	8. I Get it, Now

_A/N: Short Chapter Here. __Hope you like it._

_ I apologise for the delay. Taking this from where it had been left; has taken careful consideration and time. I want to take the time to thank my readers and reviewers; giving special thanks to the following_

_Dumbledore's Emerald Phoenix; Haakonsson; Lime juize; Fair Elf; TwiggRules; Carter rules; Babygirl12020 _

_Just to name a few. If my mentioning you upsets you; please accept my apology. Just wanted to show my appreciation for you._

_Tony has always been hard for me to swallow; so writing him objectively is even harder. If I missed the mark; I apologise._

_Reviews and suggestions always appreciated._

_**B.T.W.: I want to apologise for messing up the NCIS timeline in this story. **_

_**In researching some of the incidents that Tim complained about in this story; I found my mistakes and I apologise for them.**_

_**For the sake of this story; Dog Tags took place shortly before Requiem; as did the instances of Tim getting tazered; not after.**_

_**Again, I apologise. **_

_************************_

As far back as Tony could remember, he'd had his own rules to live by; and they'd served him pretty damn well; until now. There weren't many of DiNozzo's rules. But, they were important, nonetheless.

Especially, when it came to "newbies" on the job.

_1. Toughen them up and have fun doing it._

_2. Push their buttons regularly to raise their tolerance levels._

_3. Make fun of others before they can make fun of you._

_4. Don't sympathize; criticize_

_5 When threatened, keep everyone's eyes on the competitions' failures, shortcomings and mistakes._

_6. Don't get sucked into a personal relationship with them._

He had some professional rules to go with those of the more personal side of controlling things.

_1. Carry your own weapon_

_2. There's no such thing as an easy assignment_

_3. Do your own Intel_

_4. Always have back-up_

_5. Be prepared_

_6. Go with your gut (unless you can go with that of one who's gut is more trustworthy)_

_7. Put your life on the line; when necessary, for each and every one of your partners and team mates._

As far as he could see; he'd done a pretty damn good job of following his rules when it came to handling Tim. As a matter of fact; almost all his rules had worked out well for him on Gibbs' team. Even the clause in his rule regarding his instincts had worked out great; falling back on the reliability of Gibbs' gut over his own; had proven a wise choice; although a time or two; he'd had to discuss the discrepancies between Gibbs' gut feeling and his own. The bossman always took Tony's gut instinct as seriously as Tony paid attention to Gibbs'. That always worked out well. And now he was supposed to throw his rules out the window because Probie was unhappy? Yeah, right!

Feeling miffed that Gibbs had just up and left him here to stew over everything Probie had thrown into that outraged scream fest of his; Tony felt like just getting up and going home;; to his apartment; alone. His desire to help Tim had blown away in the wind; in the wake of the man's outraged accusations.

Tony knew, even though he didn't want to admit it to himself; that if Gibbs was this upset about what Tim had said; feeling this guilty about it; then there had to be merit in what the youngster had had to say. Lots of merit; Tony mentally admitted to himself. as Gibbs' words came back to him:

"_You know damn well, that Tim has not once endangered anyone or done a bad job in the field! This was just his day in court; the chance to fly in the face of the ones who've done him wrong!"_

"_You and I just need to figure out how to deal with it from here! We need to fix it and go on._

_But remember this, Tony; before you sprout on about what he has or hasn't said before; ask yourself this question; "How many times have we paid attention when he does complain? Don't we just make fun of his complaint; or tell him to toughen up? _

Tony knew Gibbs was right. He was quick to make fun of Tim; trip him up both verbally and physically every chance he got. Hell, making fun of Probie had become the highlight of Tony's day!

_If I was bored, I would've put superglue on Probie's keyboard._

_You put superglue on my keyboard!"_

Yeah, that one had been rolling on the floor, hilarious; but totally uncalled for and probably degrading for the poor guy. Why had Tony done it? He couldn't remember. Gibbs hadn't given him any hell for doing it either; he'd just asked McGee if he was ever gonna learn and handed the guy some fingernail polish remover. Go figure!

There had been so many instances like this over the years; that even Tony had lost count. It was no wonder, Tony supposed, that it was coming back to bite him in the butt. But, why had Gibbs not reigned him in? Why had Gibbs let it go on? Gibbs knew Tony couldn't help himself; he needed to be controlled when it came to that kind of stuff. It didn't make sense that Gibbs had not stopped it sooner. Tim's words came back to him; even the anger still resonated in Tony's brain:

_**I'm never gonna come close to being "equal" on this team! I'm the youngest of the pack; the one to be bullied and toughened up and harassed to your heart's content. **_

Yeah, okay, maybe Tim did know what the hell he was talking about and maybe the time to stop this had long passed. But, damn it; why had it been okay for all these years, and now, suddenly, it's not? What the hell? He heard Gibbs' voice in his head.

_if you'd pay attention; you'll notice it wasn't the incidents that have kept him withdrawing from us lately; it's our relationship outside the office; that he feels is affecting these incidents! _

_The catalyst that he can't explain to anyone; for fear of reprisals?"_

Okay, well, damn; what was Tony supposed to do about that? He couldn't take anything back. Hindsight wasn't doing any of them any good; from where Tony was standing. Sure, he was beginning to calm down enough to be able to reason thru what had been thrown at him; but still the question remained; what the hell could _he_ do about any of it? What, just because he and Gibbs had forged an outside relationship; they were supposed to baby McGee now? Well, no; Tony knew that wasn't what this was about; he just had to be tough enough on himself to accept the truth.

_I know, I for one; have had enough. This needs to be fixed! It's a wonder he still wants to be here; and I for one; am gonna make sure he continues to want to stay here! It's time to set things right; they've been wrong for too damn long__!_

Gibbs last words filtered thru Tony's head; propelling him into more serious interspection. If Gibbs felt this strongly about this; than Tony had some serious thinking of his own to do. Just where had this gone so damn haywire anyway? When the hell had the problem even started? Tony thought back.

Tim had come on this team with hopes and dreams in his eyes; naïve and extremely gullible. It was easy to see; Tim wore his heart on his sleeve from day one. He'd made it even easier for them to bully him and laugh at him. Both Tony and Kate had taken advantage of him and of those qualities and quirks in his character. But, they had also cured him of the quirks; well most of them anyway; yeah; okay, they'd usually done it thru mockery and ridicule; but it had done the job. Gibbs had let it roll on by; almost completely unstopped; with very few exceptions. And what's more, Tim had not complained

Well, okay, yeah, he had too complained; but being a newbie; McGee had to have known the probability of being taken seriously in the complaint department was pretty slim. He also had to have known that if he'd persisted with his complaints, they would have taken him seriously and actually paid attention to whatever he was complaining about. He didn't. Tim had realized he would have been heard, hadn't he?

So, just when did all this stop becoming the norm and stat becoming the problem? Tony recalled Tim having issues with it after Gibbs had left for Mexico; but Tony had needed him to be a stronger team player than he'd been used to; so had sharply curtailed any/all jokes, pranks and ridicule. They were all feeling the strain and pain of Gibbs leaving them. The adjustment had left little room for what had formally been the norm between Tony and Tim.

When Gibbs returned from Mexico; McGee seemed to change overnight; cocky and outspoken one day; and changed right back into their still wet behind the ears Probie, the next. It had been like Tim felt lost; displaced; and unsure of his place on the team. Sure, he'd been thrilled to have Gibbs back; hell, the boy had been on cloud nine! But, when the dust of the reshuffle had settled; it had been obvious that Tim, himself, was left feeling unsettled. No one understood why; hell, Tim never said anything to any of them about it; The only thing that was done about it was to toughen him up - again.

Apparently, this too factored into Tim's current state of mind. Tony knew the years of being teased and tortured could bring a man down; but he had figured that that stuff had been balanced out by Tony's never-ending on the job; laying their lives on the line for each other; having each other's backs; working side by side to track down clues and suspects and culprits.. Maybe he'd figured wrong? The scales weren't near as balanced as Tony had given himself credit for, obviously.

Still, Tim was their probie and he probably always would be thought of in that way; at least for Tony. In Tony's mind, it had become almost an endearment toward McGee. Knowing that Tim didn't see it that way; well, it didn't stop Tony from being stuck on it; but it did give him pause to ask himself why he didn't just explain that to McGee in the 1st place!

Okay, now that he understood and actually could see the truth of what Tim had said; what the hell could he do about it? It was obvious that Gibbs had a game plan in mind and it was equally obvious that Tony was expected to handle his own plan; single-handed? Yeah, well, okay, he could do this.

Maybe.


	9. A Different Perspective

Ducky, was in fact, waiting for Gibbs. He had seen this coming for a long time. Knowing Jethro Gibbs as well as he did, he'd known that once Timothy had finally gotten his boss' attention; Jethro would not let, the young man leave without getting to the bottom of whatever was bothering him, first. This revelation had been a very long time in coming; and Ducky, for one, was relieved to see it finally arrive. Truth be told, Ducky _had _made sure he had been a silent witness; wanting to be available to help; should the need arise; he had stopped and listened as he caught the conversation between Jethro and Timothy regarding them talking things out over dinner. Knowing Timothy, as his personal Dr. at NCIS; Ducky had known that in all probability; those two would wind up back at the waterfront. Everyone on the team knew how much the water relaxed the young man in times of stress. Ducky had merely located a well-chosen spot where he could listen unobtrusively; yet be available to help; should things go south.

When Timothy had requested Anthony's presence for the discussion; Ducky had not been surprised. When Jethro had immediately cooperated, again; Ducky had not been surprised. When Timothy had broken down, crying and sobbing on his knees; Ducky had been absolutely shocked to his toes. It had taken every ounce of Doctor Donald "Ducky" Mallard's self-restraint to remain hidden and silent; not to march right up to Jethro and Anthony and shake some sense into their heads. Truth be told; Ducky had been so shocked; he'd been frozen with it for a long minute before his emotions had flared and he'd had to reign them in.

Ducky had stayed; the silent witness; just out of sight; listening to the man's speech; startled when he'd turned in raging anger to his boss; remained frozen in his place; until Timothy had run out of steam. While the young man was catching his breath and calmly away from Jethro and Anthony; Ducky was retreating to the parking garaged and went back up to Autopsy. He full expected to see Jethro soon.

When Jethro did arrive; as expected, in Autopsy, the lights were dimmed, two chairs were pulled out, and two drinks poured. It was obvious he had been expected. Gibbs smiled as he mused, _"Sly old fox!" _ Yeah, the M.E. knew him too damn well. Well, in this case; it was actually a good thing.

"Jethro! How to nice see you, especially given the eventful evening you've just had; however, I'm certain that it's because of the eventful evening that you are here." Ducky's enthusiastic and friendly greeting brought another smile to Gibbs face. The M.E. bid him to sit in one of the chairs, as he took the other one present.

"Thanks, Duck." Gibbs quietly responded.

"What can I do for you, Jethro?"

'Talk to me, Duck; tell me what you think." Gibbs requested.

"What is it exactly that you would like me to offer you my opinion about? Timothy's words, Yours? Anthony's? What exactly are you looking for? Ducky inquired; obviously having much to say; and knowing Jethro would only be interested in what worried him the most.

"I dunno, Ducky, where do I go from here? After all these years of drilling it into their heads; not to; do I suddenly apologise, myself? When everything Tim said is right on target; unfair as it was; how the hell do I go about fixing this mess now? Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he was gone already! Or resigned or begging for a transfer! I haven't had a chance to check with Jen yet!" Gibbs finally ran out of steam.

"Jethro, what do you think Timothy was thinking and feeling at the last moment he spoke to you; before he walked away so silently?" Ducky asked. "I do believe that is where you need to begin the healing process."

Gibbs let out a huge sigh; "Yeah, Duck; you're probably right. But, it could have been anything; rage, pain, resignation; hell, he could have just not wanted to hear me yell at him, or Tony. Or, he could have just felt like he couldn't get away from us fast enough!" Gibbs answered.

"But, that's exactly my point, my dear fellow! That much was obvious! But, the question remains; why? Why is it our young Timothy was so anxious to remove himself from your and Anthony's presence?" Ducky exclaimed.

"He probably figured I'd go back on my word of letting him have his day in court with no reprisals; probably thought I was gonna give him hell for everything he'd just thrown at us! Hell, Ducky, I don't even know where he is at this very moment!" Gibbs offered; the anger he felt at his own admission of ignorance; propelling his voice around the room.

Ducky calmly held up his 1st finger in a silent request for Gibbs' silence; as he hit the speaker button on his desk phone and dialed Tim's desk phone.

"_Ducky, what can I do for you?"_ Tim's strained voice spoke of his long day and his exhaustion.

"_Go home. Timothy! Go home, sleep well, eat well and enjoy your 3 days off; making certain that you take good care of yourself!"_ Ducky ordered, concern evident in his tone.

'_Thank you, Ducky! Thank you very much for caring. I promise, I'm leaving soon."_ Tim responded quietly.

Ducky chuckled_, "Timothy, we all know how devoted you are to your job; but, my dear boy; you have 3 days off, why on earth are you still here?"_

"_Just wrapping up some loose ends, Ducky."_ Tim's quiet explanation sent shivers of apprehension up Gibbs' spine as he silently looked at the M.E. in alarm.

"_Loose ends, Timothy? I know your team completely wrapped up the case from this afternoon. Does that not mean the "loose ends" have all been wrapped?"_ Ducky asked; silently sending Gibbs a reassuring smile.

"_Ducky, can I ask you a question?"_ Tim's hesitation tugged at Gibbs' heart. He had a feeling he knew what the question was gonna be.

"_Certainly, my dear young man; what is it you need to know?"_

Tim took the bull by the horns and jumped on; prepared to hold on for the ride_; "Has Gibbs said anything to you about me? Maybe, he's mentioned that he's tired of having to send me out in the field or he's tired of having me on the team? Has he said anything about not needing me on his team anymore?"_

Ducky took a second to look pointedly at a distressed Gibbs'; prepared to give him what for; but, seeing the pain in the Senior Field Agent's eyes; he silently gave him a supportive pat on the shoulder.

"_Timothy McGee where on earth did you get such an idea? Of course, Jethro does not believe that. He regards everyone of you on his team as important and equal!"_ Ducky exclaimed.

"_No, Ducky, he doesn't. Come' on, we've all seen how he favors Tony and Abby! Tony's his favorite agent; heck the guy can do no wrong in Gibbs' eyes! Abby, too! The only reason I'm here is to be the catch-all for the team; catch the dog attacks; catch the tazer attack; catch the poison ivy; catch the paper and electronic trails; the hidden bad guys!"_

"_Yes, well you have certainly had more than your fair share of bad situations; but that does not equal you not being needed or wanted on Gibbs' team, young man!"_

Gibbs damn near had to staple his mouth closed to stay quiet. Oh, he wanted to jump in so bad! He'd been "unable to sit still any longer; Now pacing, while listening to Tim's perception of the problem.

"_Maybe not, but me disrespecting Gibbs does! Thanks, Ducky; I gotta go!"_ ***click***

**************

Tim hung up; got his paper off the printer; shut down his computer and quickly headed for the stairs. He didn't want to run into anyone. He didn't look back!

***************

Gibbs, frozen in mid-stride from the second he heard Tim's last mention of his name; now looked at Ducky with eyebrows raised; his signature silent "what now" question.

"Jethro, it appears you need to talk to the young man again. Maybe now that he's gotten the raging anger out and he's had his say; you will be able to get to the bottom of why he's convinced of this and what it will take for you to be able to get thru to him, before it's too late!"

Gibbs silently walked over to Ducky's desk phone; dialed Tim's cell phone and; handing the phone to Ducky; quietly requested:

"Duck, make sure he's not too upset to be thinking rationally."

"Ducky, I'm fine, honest!" Tim answered his phone; knowing exactly why the M.E. was calling him again. He appreciated the M.E. that much more for his dogged determination to make sure he was okay.

"Timothy, I'm prepared to issue a Dr's Order that you spend the night under my watchful eye; just to be certain that you do eat and sleep!" Ducky exclaimed.

"Ducky, I promise you; I will eat well and get plenty of sleep I am going home to do just that!"

"Timothy, you have not been doing much of either lately; that much has been easy to see."

"I know, Ducky; but I should be okay tonight " Tim sounded like he believed what he was saying.

"All right, young man; but I want you to promise me that if and when you need help; you will ask for it; call someone on your team! Ducky ordered.

"I promise, Ducky, I will. Have a good night, Ducky and thank you very much." *click*

"Thanks, Duck!" Gibbs patted the M.E.'s shoulder in gratitude and left autopsy. He needed to go talk to Jenny. After that, he had to talk to Tony. It was shaping up to be a very long night.

************************************

"_Okay, so Probie needs to believe he's still important around here and still needed on Team Gibbs!"_

Tony kept spinning that thought around in his head as he struggled with ideas of how to accomplish this huge task. Maybe he didn't have to figure it out by himself, after all! He was part of a team, wasn't he? Maybe two heads were definitely better than one in this situation. He could talk to Ziva or Abby; or both! Yeah! That would be better! Three heads were absolutely better than one!

Quickly, 3-way calling both ladies' Tony held his breath; hoping against hope that they were both home and better yet; both available to help. Since it was a week night; his chances were good.

"Ziva David!"

"Hey, Tony!"

"Hey, ladies! I really need your help with something very important; any chance you're free right now so we can meet somewhere and talk?"

"Absolutely, Tony!"

"Sure, Tony!"

"Great! Can you meet me at Gibbs' house?

"I will be there in 30 minutes!"

"See you in 30, Tony; bring Dinner!"

"Thank you ladies!"

Hanging up from the call; Tony was ecstatic. He had help! Yes! _They could fix this! Hey! Wait a minute! Why did neither of the ladies react to meeting at Gibbs' house? "Oh, God! Do they know, too? Has Tim been suffering in silence for nothing? Is it possible that everyone on team Gibbs has known and been absolutely quiet about it? Wouldn't they have said something in Tim's defense before now?_

Tony shrugged off the questions running thru his brain for now; He knew he'd get his answers when the ladies got there. Thirty minutes later found Tony, Ziva and Abby completely ensconced in Gibbs' kitchen; quietly scarfing down Chinese Takeout; with 2 cartons to spare for Gibbs. There was no telling when the man would walk thru the door; and it would not have been fair or wise to have not brought any for him.

Once they'd finished eating, they got comfortably set up in the Living Room; opening up the French Doors for fresh air and the cool breeze of the moonlit night. Settling down in their seats; all of them seemingly lost in their own thoughts. Abby and Ziva were silently waiting for Tony to speak while Tony was silently waiting for the ladies to ask him a question. The ladies were worried about Tony. It was so unlike him to ask for something like this. Tony was worried about the ladies. It was so unlike them to be quiet like this.

"Ladies!"

"Tony!"

"Tony!"

Three simultaneous voices rang out; causing laughter to erupt in the group. Once they had managed to stop laughing; they settled back down and the ladies gave the floor over to Tony; since he had requested the meeting.

"Okay, Ladies; I need to ask for total honesty here tonight. No holes barred; no punches pulled; everything off the record; you follow me?

"Yes, Tony."

"Sure, Tony, we're clear!"

"Ok. Good, I knew I could count on you two. Now the 1st thing I need to do is ask you question. Why weren't either of you surprised when I asked you to meet me here?"

_The silent observer in the shadows of the dinning room; listening without being seen; anxiously awaited that answer_.

"Tony, you and the boss man have been acting different toward each other in good ways; and different toward Tim in not so good ways; for a long time now! It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what was going on!" Abby exclaimed; surprised he even had to ask.

"Yes, Tony; even I noticed this. I, too, figured out what it meant." Ziva admitted.

The shock on Tony's face was almost comical.

_The pain and sadness on the face of the silent observer, hidden in the shadows of the dinning room; was not!_

"Then why the hell haven't either of you said something?" Tony demanded. Damn it, if Tim's been suffering in silence he was gonna be…."

"HEY! WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE, ANTHONY DINOZZO!!!! Don't you dare jump down our throats because we did what we were supposed to do; and stayed out of it; kept our mouths shut! Abby was pissed.

"Tony, what would you have had us do? Shout it from the office tops, yes?" Ziva asked in confusion. She wasn't angry, yet.

Tony took a deep breath and let it out before he answered. "Roof top, Ziva. Roof top; and no, you and Abby are right. I'm sorry."

"Tony, what does this have to do with why you need our help tonight?" Abby asked. "And, yes, you are forgiven." She said with a smile that backed it up.

"Thanks, Abby. It has everything to do with my need for your help tonight. I don't know if either of you heard about what happened tonight, after work; but Gibbs let Probie unleash his temper and by the way; did either of you know Probie even had a temper? Man! That guy's got a whopper of a temper! Tony exclaimed.

"Tony, perhaps you had better tell us the whole story, yes? Ziva asked; smiling at his realization about McGee.

The ladies and the silent observer alike listened as Tony explained. He recounted everything he'd seen and heard; from Gibbs; from Tim; even from his own brain thinking and acting. It was the longest one-sided conversation Anthony DiNozzo had ever conducted in his life. Since the ladies already knew about him and Gibbs; Tony didn't hold anything back; giving the same measure of honesty he had asked them for

The ladies were shocked at what they heard. All three listeners were shocked that Anthony was actually long-winded. Who knew he'd ever had that much to say at one time? Needing a break; and wanting to give the ladies time to think about what he'd told them; Tony took his cup into the kitchen for a refill.

Going back to the living room, he carried fresh drinks for the ladies as well as his own. Once he'd gotten comfortable, he waited; knowing he wouldn't have to say anything; the ladies knew exactly why they were here- now.

Abby threw it out there- the elephant in the room with them that no one wanted to talk about. "Tony! You know he's probably turned in his request for a transfer or worse; his resignation by now; or maybe he's doing it as we speak!" Her anger vibrated throughout the room.

"Yeah, Abby; Gibbs and I already talked about that possibility. He's checking up on that. Let's just hope McGee hasn't'done anything that drastic..

"So, the reason Abby and I are here is to help you figure out how to stop McGee from leaving the team or leaving NCIS?" Ziva asked.

"Yeah, Ziva; that's what I need help with." Tony answered her.

"Tony! We've probably already lost him!" Abby was pissed now; it was too damn late to be trying to fix this now. Where was this pow-wow before things had gotten so far gone?

"Abby! We don't know that yet!" Tony yelled right back at her; just as pissed at her. Why was she so quick to be acting like it was all his fault?

"Yes, we do." The somber, quiet voice revealed the silent observer materializing from the shadows of the dinning room.


	10. Getting Started

**GIBBS!  
GIBBS!  
GIBBS!**

Three startled voices rang out in his living room. Gibbs stood quietly waiting for the shock of his surprise appearance to wear off. As it did so; it became obvious that the realization had begun to set in it's place.. The realization that his tone had held no hope and his words had held no positive news; brought a mixture of sadness and anger to their eyes.

Abby's reaction was almost instant. In any other situation, her popping up off the couch in a perfect imitation of an over-wound jack-in-the-box; would have been hilarious. But now? Now, it only bore witness to her outrage and desperate need to fix this problem immediately!

"**NO! NO GIBBS! NO!"** Abby's anger propelled her feet out the French doors down off the back porch steps and out into the back yard; where her frantic pacing; fueled by her agitation was disheartening to see in the light of the otherwise beautiful full moon.

Gibbs closed his eyes in pain; pain for his surrogate family members, who were now bearing the pain of this mess. As he tried to gather his raging emotions; the conversation he'd just had with The Director replayed itself in his head. He'd gone up to her office wearing a thin smile; unable to greet her any better, at the moment.

"_Jen."_

"_Jethro, what can I do for you?"_

"_Jen, be straight with me; has McGee asked for a transfer or given his resignation?"_

_Silence with a steady stare had been her only response._

"_Jen?" He'd given her one more chance._

_More silence with the unbroken stare had been all the answer she'd been willing to give, apparently._

**"**_**Damn it! He has, hasn't he?"** Gibbs had demanded; fighting hard to stomp down on his anger._

"_Yes, Jethro; as a matter of fact, I just received his emailed Letter of Resignation 20 minutes ago._

"_**NO!"**__ Gibbs' anger had gotten away from him; despite his best efforts to control it._

"_**Jethro, what the hell happened here?"**__ Jenny had allowed her own flag of anger to unfurl._

"_**Jen, don't accept it! Give me time to talk to him!"**_

"_Jethro, you can be damn sure that I'm not signing off on this without giving him plenty of time to think it over! This Agency will not tolerate any more instances of four month retirements; with reinstatements to follow; because an agent has changed his mind!"_

**"**_**Jen!"** Gibbs hadn't needed that thrown up in his face; not now; he had bigger things to worry about!_

"_Look, Jethro, I'm not about to let that boy throw his career or his future away because you somehow messed things up on your team! Frankly, I expect much better from you than to ever see this happen! I will not even consider his request until Friday at 4 PM sharp! I will meet with him then. **Your **attendance at that meeting is mandatory!_

_If and when he's had several days to think this over; and he can then look you in the eye; in front of me; and still request this; then I will take it seriously; but not until then!. But if it comes down to that; there will be serious consequences for you._

_so I I'm giving you a direct order; **Fix this, or else!"**_

"_Or else, Jen? Serious consequences?" Gibbs had still been pissed. She was truly pushing the limits here._

"_Jethro, that young man is needed here! NCIS is proud to have him and his talents and abilities working for them! I will not stand by and watch him or you throw that away!" _

"_Aren't you looking at this selfishly, Jen?"_

"_Agent Gibbs; In the words of Agent McGee**; 'I am no longer competent to be a member of NCIS. Since I have been deemed not good enough for the team of Leroy Jethro Gibbs; and it is common knowledge that if a person cannot be successful on that team; they should not be an Agent; I hereby relinquish my Special Agent status; on grounds that I have failed to uphold NCIS standards.'**_

"_Now, I don't know what the hell happened here; but what I do know, is that this **never** should have happened and it had better **never** happen again! Now, as I said, you have until Friday noon to fix this. I suggest you get started figuring out how you're gonna do that!_

"_Jen, my team doesn't have an active case right now. Take us off the roster and give us tomorrow off. Ducky and Abby, too!" Gibbs had requested._

_Silence had once again been his answer._

"_Come on, Jen; you know this is important or I wouldn't ask!" Gibbs had been demanding; he'd known he was right._

"_You're right, Jethro. All right; consider your team off duty until Wednesday morning. You had damn well better make this time count!_

"_Thanks, Jen!"_

****************************

Gibbs was thankful that he had been lucky to have still found Ducky at work earlier in the evening and been able to talk to him. He was also thankful that he'd been able to bear witness to Ducky's conversations with Tim. Tony, surprisingly enough. had risen to the occasion, as well; Gibbs proudly took note; and called in reinforcements to help. So, while Gibbs was upset that they too were now being hurt by this; he was equally thankful they were willing to step in and help fix it. Ducky, had insisted he be called if he was needed tonight; promising to sit by the phone.

Palmer had called him, too. Gibbs had damn near choked on his coffee when he'd answered that call! Palmer had told Gibbs that he was only a phone call away and that he would come back from his family vacation if he was needed. Taking the time to explain to Gibbs that he and Tim had shared some conversations when Tim had felt he couldn't talk to anyone else; he'd had to quickly reassure Gibbs that none of those conversations had been recent; and that he was only suggesting he be called to talk to Tim; if the need arose. Gibbs had actually remembered, thru his shock; to thank the young man. Now, all they needed to do was find a way to reach Tim before it really was too late. Jenny had admitted having seen him as he was leaving; relaying that he had seemed downtrodden and exhausted.

"_**I got it!" **_Abby's announcement, as she rushed back inside; penetrated the somber silent haze of the room; full of people stuck in their own worry about Tim and how they could get him back. Abby quickly asked Tony to get his laptop and asked they went about setting it up; Gibbs went for a coffee refill. Setting the computer email settings; making sure to set the font as large and readable as possible; both for the group trying to participate in the plan and to hopefully catch Tim's attention; Abby's renewed energy began to spread around the room; infecting everyone.

As she began typing her first message; her fingers clacking away on the keyboard, Gibbs felt a twinge of panic. **"Abby! Stop! Wait!** **If you're doing what I think you're doing; don't!"** Gibbs ordered.

Abby's fingers froze mid-keystroke. Her eyes were that of a wounded child.

With an apologetic smile for her; Gibbs clarified what he meant. "Don't let on that you know any of this, all right? See if you can get him to take the conversation there on his own. Let's see where he takes it, okay?"

"Okay!" Abby once again resumed typing; this time with a smile on her face. This was gonna be fun!

"_Timmy."_

_Are you busy, What are your plans for tonight? I'm bored. _

_**- Abby**_

They all sat back and held their breaths and hoped and prayed as they waited for his response. Hopefully, he was still up! Hopefully it would work even though it was pretty late.

_*DING*_

A collective sigh of relief went around the room. Hope had just been reborn.

"_Abby"_

_No plans. Really tired; can't sleep. Movie and popcorn at my place okay for you?_

_**- Tim**_

Abby looked to Gibbs for a suggestion. He obviously was at a loss for any; as he could only look back at her blankly. His mind had stopped churning, finally; and now he was stuck. Frustrated; Abby turned to Tony for an idea.

"Abby, tell him something that will wake him up and get him talking." Ziva suggested.

"Tell him we have a case- no, he's on 3 days leave; damn, - no, wait; I got it; tell him Gibbs is in trouble and we need his help to Get Gibbs out of it!" Tony suggested.

**"Tony! Why would I tell him something like that?"** Abby was outraged.

"Because. it's the truth." Gibbs quietly answered.

For the second time that evening, Gibbs had managed to shock Abby, Ziva and Tony into speechlessness. Only this time; there was anger sizzling in the air from all three of them. Gibbs being in trouble? This was **not** to be tolorated!

**"Gibbs!"** Ziva was angry on his behalf; yet pleased that Jenny would take McGee's situation that seriously.

"Well, the phrases that came up; let's see; there was "Or else" and then there was "consequences" and yeah and the best one of all "fix it" Gibbs elaborated for them.

**"NO!"** Abby was devastated. The thought of Gibbs having a black mark on his record or worse was horrible; but then again, so was the thought of losing Timmy. Oh, what a nightmare!

Tony was horrified that it had gotten to this point. _Gibbs called to the mat over Probie?_ Tony strugged to keep his frustration and anger under wraps; neither emotion would help them solve the problem. Both of them showed in his eyes; as for once; he was too upset to make the effort to hide them.

"Abby, don't keep Tim waiting; we'll loose our chance to communicate freely with him." Gibbs quietly prompted her back to work.

Abby nodded and with a lot less enthusiasm; got back to work; determined not to fail.

_"Timmy"_

_Sorry, had to use the little girl's room. Can we chat? __**- Abby**_

_"Abby"_

_Sure, what's on your mind? __**- Tim**_

_"Timmy"_

_You are. I'm worried about you. __-** Abby**_

_"Abby" _

_That's sweet of you. Thank you, but I am fine. Honest, I'm okay. __**- Tim**_

* * *

Tony, feeling totally frustrated at the lack of progress and still upset with the fact that Gibbs was in trouble over this; exploded:

**"Damn it, Gibbs! We're flyin by the seat of our asses here! What the hell do we do now?"**

Gibbs silently steadied Tony's nerves with a sympathetic look that stayed on him until it had become obvious that he had indeed calmed down. Then he spoke; "We'll figure it out; as a team; that's why we're here, right? calmly reassuring them all.

"Ziva, can you and Abby put your heads together and get him to open up this way?" Gibbs asked her.

"Yes, Gibbs." she answered; quietly walking up to him and whispering in his ear. " Do not worry; we will not let him leave us."

"Thank you, Ziva." Gibbs answered her; thankful for her stabalizing presence and her almost well-hidden emotions.

Abby quietly walked up to Gibbs and hugged him; whispering in his ear. " We'll get it right." She then turned to Tony and added; We'll show him he belongs here, Don't worry."

Both women smiled at Tony encouragingly and then got busy; talking, thinking and typing their way thru the minefield they had been invited into.

Tony and Gibbs retreated to the kitchen to get snacks and coffee for everyone for the long night ahead. Gibbs took this opportunity to hear what was on Tony's mind.

"DiNozzo, why are you so pissed right now?" Gibbs quiet question shot thru Tony like he'd been sucker-punched.

**"Are you serious? Because McCry-baby wants to be a wuss all of a sudden; we're scramblin to hold his hand; save him from his own stupidity; and having to worry about how to save you from trouble because of his actions. We have to worry about your career, one that you've busted your ass for all these years! Why the hell shouldn't I be pissed?** Tony was incredulous. _Does Gibbs really not see the picture, here?_

**"Tony! Why do you insist on blaming McGee for this? A wuss? Crybaby? What the hell is wrong with you?"** Gibbs was now pissed.

"God! Gibbs, I don't know! One minute I completely understand him and where he's comin from and the next I'm so pissed at him, I just wanna knock his teeth out!" Tony told him; being brutally honest. "I hate this!"

"Tony! Listen to me! Are you listening? This is NOT Tim's fault! You got me? I did this! I shut him out. I got comfortable letting you get by with teasing and tormenting him! I encouraged you! I did this! I pushed him away; always taking Ziva and you out into the field; always keeping him back at the computer; leaving him behind. I did this. And now, I'm not even fixing it! Ziva and Abby are! So, if you want someone to blame? You wanna be pissed at someone, here? The buck stops right here! Be pissed at me! Not Tim! He's the wounded party here! He's the one we have to worry about right now; focus on." Gibbs glared at Tony; _daring _him not to see the truth.

Tony sighed. "Yeah, I know, you're right. Gibbs. It's just really hard, you know, hard to see you or myself as the bad guy." Tony tried to explain.

"Tony, don't put me or yourself on that pedestal! We are human. We are not perfect. Hell, we may not even be able to fix this! Abby and Ziva are probably gonna have to save my ass, here; or at least do the manual labor for me; like they're doin now!"

Gibbs moved on to refreshing the serving tray with snacks and drinks; leaving Tony to ponder his own thoughts on the subject. When he was ready, Gibbs picked up the tray and headed for the door, taking a moment to look at Tony in his raised eyebrow, silent question _"Well?"_

"Yeah, I'm fine. You're right about this. I'm sorry."

"Tony, don't apologise. I needed to know where your head was at and you needed to be reminded where your head should be! Besides, you weren't too far off the mark; you had sense enough to call in the help. That was pretty damn smart thinkin! Now, come on, we need to get back in there and feed the help; as well as pull our own weight in this mess."

"How's it goin, ladies?" Gibbs asked as he set down the tray of snacks and dished them out along with fresh coffee for all.

**"Slow!"** both Abby and Ziva chimed; in chorus.

"Why, what's the problem?" Tony asked, quietly

**"He's taking a shower!"** again, two voices chimed in chorus; this time in laughter.

"He's what?" Tony was confused.

"We're waiting for him to get back online. He wanted to wake up with a shower. The last email said he'd be back in 15 min. It's been 10." Abby explained.

Everyone relaxed with the humor of the situation and spent the time enjoying each other's company and their snacks and coffee.

"coffee, Gibbs?" Ziva questioned.

"Yeah, well, I figured it's gonna be a long night. Figured we all could use the kick. Oh, by the way? We have tomorrow off. You and Ducky, too, Abby!"

Three voices united in joy at that news.

"To fix this." Gibbs clarified. "In the words of our Director? "Damn well better make this time count!"

**"We can do this!"** Abby's rejuvinated energy bounced off of her and seemed to literally richocet around the room; infecting each of them in turn with the almost palpable sense of determination, drive and comittment.

_"DING"_

**"HE's BACK!" **Abby and Ziva chorased together.

All four of them laughed, finally finding a glimpse of humor in what was gonna be a long night. Gibbs and Tony relished in Abby and Ziva's enthusiasm and willingness to help.

* * *

_"Abby"_

_Thanks for being patient. I really needed to wake up, so we could chat. __**- Tim**_

Abby frowned as she looked up at Gibbs. Gibbs quietly reminded her, "He hasn't been sleeping well, Abby. You can see it in his eyes."

_"Timmy"_

_Am I keeping you from sleeping? __**- Abby**_

_"Abby"_

_NO! It's been a long time since I've been able to sleep thru the night. Definately NOT your fault! __**- Tim**_

_"Timmy"_

_Why aren't you able to sleep? Gibbs mentioned that he's worried about you and YES, he really did use the "W" word! He said it's obvious you're exhausted. He asked me if I knew what was bothering you; that you wouldn't talk to him; which is worrying him even more. I told him that you haven't talked to me either and that I didn't know what was wrong so I didn't know how to help you! _

_Please tell me what's wrong __**- Abby**_

* * *

"Good Job, Abby!" NOW, we should be able to see some results! Now we should be able to get somewhere with him." Tony's excitement was contagious.

"Very Good, Abby!" Ziva agreed.

"Good Job, Abby!" Gibbs agreed with a measure of relief.

Abby smiled at her team and turned back to read Tim's response.

* * *

_"Abby"_

_When did Gibbs talk to you about me? __**-Tim**_

_"Timmy"_

_Yesterday, after he found you almost asleep at your desk, before you'd left for the night. Please tell me what's wrong! __**- Abby**_

The room got quiet as everyone had sucked in their breath; holding it; waiting for his answer. Hopefully, he would swallow the bait.

_"Abby"_

_I can't explain it to you. It's not something I can talk to any one about, except..." doesn't matter, it's not possible now. __**- Tim**_

_"Timmy"_

_Except who? Gibbs? Timmy you HAVE to let someone in! You can't keep this up! Let someone help you!.._

* * *

Abby stopped typing as she felt Gibbs' calming hand on her shoulders. The tears had already begun falling and she silently looked to Ziva for help. Ziva smiled encouragingly at her, squeezed her shoulder in quiet support; and finished typing the email for her.

_Please_

_**- Abby**_

_"Abby"_

_Please calm down! I have talked to Gibbs since then. Please! Don't be upset on my behalf. I love you. I don't want you upset like this. __**- Tim**_

_"Timmy"_

_If you've talked to Gibbs about this, why can't you sleep? __**- Abby**_

_"Abby"_

_Because he let me yell and scream at him and Tony tonight; tell them almost everything I've ever wanted to say to them; and now I feel like crap for yelling at Gibbs like that! Not to mention, I know I've got a knuckle sandwhich coming from Tony! __**- Tim**_

* * *

The knuckle sandwich drew smiles from the group; but the obvious worry Tim was continuing to put himself thru; created a lump in Gibbs' throat.

_"Timmy"_

_I know for a fact that Gibbs and Tony are both still very worried about you! Neither one of them is angry with you! __**- Abby.**_

* * *

Abby turned and glared at Tony.

"No, Abby, I'm not still angry at him." Tony reassurred her.

_"Abby"_

_How would you know this? __**- Tim**_

_"Timmy"_

_Because both of them have asked me tonight if I know where you are and if you're okay!" **Wow**, you really got to yell and scream at **both **of them? How Cool was **that? **__**- Abby**_

_"Abby"_

_It was cool for until about 30 seconds after I was done! I've never felt so disrespectful in my entire life! I'll never be able to look Gibbs in the eye again! __**-Tim**_

* * *

Gibbs ached for his usually exceptionally well mannered agent. He knew it had cost Tim dearly to go against the grain of his impeccable manners he so entrenchently believed in; the way he had.

_"Timmy"_

_Gibbs knows you respect him. He also knows that you are normally the most respectful person around. Which means, he understands that for you to have done what you did, had to have been a long time in coming. Otherwise, do you really think he would have let you do it? Stop beating yourself up over this! Even Ziva and I saw it coming!_

_Gibbs would not have allowed you to do that, if he had known you would beat yourself up like this for it afterward! He knew you needed to let off steam. Be thankful that he's human enough to have recoginised it and gave you the freedom to do it! __**- Abby**_

_"Abby"_

_There's no doubt he's human. But we all know that he doesn't even want me on his team anymore. So, what was the point of letting that happen tonight? Just to convince himself that I'm as incompetent as Tony makes me out to be? __**- Tim**_

* * *

Tony closed his eyes; unable to look at those painful words for another second. God! What had he done? How the hell were they gonna be able to pull Tim back from these things he so firmly believed about himself now?

_"Timmy"_

_You lost me! Why would you loosing your cool mean you'are incompetent? How long have you been thinking yourself into that untruth? __**- Abby**_

_"Abby"_

_I can't explain it. It's been a long time, comin. I've seen the writing on the wall for a while now. But, I've taken care of it. I've taken the necessary steps so Gibbs won't ever have to look at me or tolorate my presence again. Tony either__**- Tim**_

* * *

Gibbs' eyes slammed shut in pain. _NO! This is not happening!_ To finally let someone in on the knowledge that he'd resigned meant that Tim really believed it was a done deal.

Tony silently hoped that there was some way, some how they could pull Tim back from where his mind was at.

_"Timmy"_

_Tell me you have not resigned or requested a transfer!!!!! __**- Abby**_

_"Abby"_

_Sorry, Resignation's already been submitted. Director Shepard's making me think on it until Friday. She said she would meet with me at 1 on Friday. Also told me not to come back until then. I've already cleaned out my desk and my computer hardrive. __**-Tim**_

_"Timothy McGee!"_

_So, this is how friends treat each other, now? What, you were just gonna up and leave without saying goodbye? I thought we were friends! __**-Abby **_

_"Abby"_

_I was not going to leave without saying good bye. You know I would never do that to you! I had every intention of saying good bye; to Ziva, Ducky, Palmer, and you. Nothing is final yet anyway. I think the Director's making me sweat it out because she heard about what happened tonight and thinks I deserve to have to wait on her._

_And before you ask; there's no room for any more conversation between me and Tony or between me and Gibbs. I ruined that! __**- Tim**_

_"Tim"_

_You are making me very angry! Didn't I just get done telling you that Gibbs and Tony are worried about you? We all are! And you're being selfish!! The Tim McGee I know would not put anyone thru this worry, especially if he knew about it! He wouldn't just walk away like this either! The Tim McGee I know wasn't afraid to talk to Gibbs about **anything!** I don't like this side of you! __**-Abby**_


	11. Making Progress?

_...... there's no room for any more conversation between me and Tony or between me and Gibbs. I ruined that! __**- Tim**_

_"Tim"_

_You are making me very angry! Didn't I just get done telling you that Gibbs and Tony are worried about you? We all are! And you're being selfish!! The Tim McGee I know would not put anyone thru this worry, especially if he knew about it! He wouldn't just walk away like this either! The Tim McGee I know wasn't afraid to talk to Gibbs about __**anything!**__ I don't like this side of you! __**-Abby**_

_****************_

Abby was steaming mad now. She hoped Tim would see what he was doing and fix it, fast! Ziva, Tony and Gibbs silently watched as she waged war with the way Tim's mind was working against them in their efforts to get him to reconsider his resignation; or at least his belief that Gibbs wouldn't talk to him about it.

"_Abby"_

_You're right. I am being selfish. A part of me thinks it's about damn time; but the well-behaved side of me wants me to say I'm sorry. You know as well as I do that I've kept my mouth shut for a very long time. And while I don't want anyone to worry about me; I do want people to start treating me like I matter; and not just when I've blown my cool! Day to day; face to face; every day; matter! Is that really too much to ask?_

_I am sorry that anyone is worried about me. Please let them know I am fine. I am not trying to hurt anyone. I am trying to stay out of everyone's way__**. - Tim**_

"_Timmy"_

_You're right, you're not asking for too much. When you talked to Gibbs, did you tell him how you felt? Did he apologise? Did Tony? Ok, yeah, maybe apologies won't take it away or fix it; but you can't fix anything if you don't start there and you know it!_

_Whose way are you trying to stay out of? You're not in anybody's way! Sounds to me like you still have some things to talk out with Gibbs. __**Before**__ you go thru with this stupid resignation of yours! __**- Abby**_

"_Abby"_

_There's no way he would talk to me after tonight. I told you that. Even if he is worried about me. Remember? I totally disrespected him tonight. There's no taking that back. It's easy for you to think different; you're his favorite. He treats you different and he never stays pissed at you. __**- Tim**_

"_Timmy"_

_STOP! Just talk to him! At least put a stop to his worrying about you. You owe him that much! __**- Abby**_

"_Abby"_

_You're right, again. I do owe him that much. But, it's too late for a phone call. __**- Tim**_

"_Timmy"_

_It's too late for a phone call but it's not too late for email! __**- Abby**_

"_Abby"_

_Is he still at work or something? __**- Tim**_

"_Timmy"_

_No, he's sitting right here with me - and Ziva and Tony! We've been putting our heads together to come up with a way to help you and make sure you'd talk to at least one of us so we'd know you're okay for real! And don't even think of getting pissed about it; cause you brought this on yourself! __**- Abby**_

They all held their breaths one more time; praying Tim would not get angry and shut down on them.

"_Abby"_

_How can I be pissed when everyone is obviously going thru so much trouble over me? I'm not THAT selfish! Please tell everyone of them that I thank them. Sincerely. But, this does not solve the problem of wether or not Gibbs will talk to me; email me; whatever. __**- Tim**_

Abby looked at Gibbs who told her to bring the laptop into the dinning room. While she and Tony set it up for him, he went for a coffee refill and told them, they could all call it a night. He would carry it from here. He thanked them all. They told him they were going to Abby's for the night- all three of them. Since they had the next day off, they would be hanging out together. If Gibbs needed them, all he had to do was call; otherwise; they'd be home with dinner; at dinner time.

Taking his fresh coffee into the dinning Room; Gibbs got serious. He needed to recall something that Tim would remember and know that only he and Gibbs knew about it; thereby realizing it was indeed Gibbs emailing him.

"_Tim"_

_Do you remember when I 1st came back from Mexico? After I sent Tony and Ziva to Lt. Sullivan's house when she was missing? You told me something while we were working that crime scene. You told me "Good to have you back, Boss."_

_Later that evening, you and Tony had a small confrontation because you were sick of him calling you "Probie" Right after he left the squad room, I came and sat on the corner of your desk and asked you how long I'd been an Agent and if you knew what my 1st boss still called me to that day__**. - Gibbs**_

"_Boss"_

_I remember. __**- Tim**_

"_Tim"_

_Let's stop this and cut to the chase, okay? I am not pissed at you, I'm not even angry with you. We need to talk this out. But before we do, you need to stop convincing yourself that you and I can't talk to each other because you disrespected me somehow. I gave you the freedom to speak your mind and you did. End of story! I appreciate you worrying about it; but I want you to stop it,! __**- Gibbs**_

"_Boss"_

_Thank you. I know you hate using email. Would you rather do this over the phone? __**- Tim**_

"_Tim"_

_I would rather do it in person. But if you want to call me, that's okay, too. Email is fine, too. This time. -__** Gibbs**_

"_Boss"_

_I can't face Tony right now. I'm rather fond of my teeth and all 206 of my bones; unbroken. __**- Tim**_

Gibbs chuckled as he picked up the phone and dialed Tim's speedial #.

"Boss" Tim's subdued voice bothered Gibbs as the young man answered the phone. It was obvious Tim was still unsure of where he stood with Gibbs.

"Tim. We really do need to talk things out. Are you up to it now, or do you want to meet me for breakfast?" Gibbs quietly asked him; relieved to be on speaking terms with him again.

"I'm wide awake, but that's not to say you are so I…" Tim began

"Tim, I'm wired so now is fine with me." Gibbs interrupted him; knowing where he was headed with his answer. "If you want I'll come get you; if you want to talk here."

"No, thanks, Boss. I don't mind driving. I can be there in 30." Tim told him.

"Drive safe; call me if you have any problems. And by the way; Tony, Ziva and Abby have gone to Abby's for the night!" Gibbs chuckled as he rang off, hearing Tim's belated thanks in the background.. Tim had said he couldn't face Tony; but that thought had obviously slipped the young man's mind when Gibbs told him he could come over to talk.

Gibbs put on a fresh pot of coffee and set out some snacks and carried them to the kitchen table. While waiting for McGee to arrive; he grew antsy; so he cleaned up the living room from the team get-together earlier.. When the young man finally arrived, it was with a box of dounuts for breakfast; reminding Gibbs once again, of this man's impeccable manners. Gibbs smiled at him both for the breakfast and in greeting.

Tim, as nervous as he'd been on his first day on Gibbs' team all those years ago; could barely look at Gibbs. Sitting down in the kitchen together, Gibbs decided to jump right in; as Tim's nerves were obviously already working against them being able to talk with any degree of success.

"Tim, let me start this out, all right?" I want to apologise, I know my rule about apologies, but this is different. You've put up with a lot of crap from me, which led to a lot from Tony. The least I can do is, give you an apology. I know it won't solve anything or take away the sting; the pain of what you've put up with; been thru. But, I am sorry, regardless."

Tim was absolutely speechless. He'd felt like he deserved an apology from Gibbs; but he'd never expected to get one without having to complain about it first. This was unbelievable. The shock was so blatant in his eyes; Gibbs laughed outright.

"I know, Tim, I know." He chuckled. But then he turned serious. "But what I don't know is why you feel so strongly that I don't want you on my team anymore. I need to understand where you're getting this from. Explain it to me." He quietly urged the young man.

"Most days, Boss. I feel like the only reason I'm still on this team is so that you and Tony won't have to train a new 'Probie', I know how much effort and work it took to train me. I know it's not something you want to have to do again. But, as far as I can tell; that's the only reason I'm still here.

The harassing, the ridicule and pranks were bad enough. As a 'Probie' I had all that comin; I get that! But when does that designation come off my back, Boss? When do I get to be "Tim, McGee, experienced Field Agent? Respected, Trusted, Good at what he does? When does that start being a part of who I am, Boss? Tim quietly asked; his heart once again on his sleeve.

Gibbs hurt for him. The young man, once again, was right in how he'd been treated.. How could they not have expected him to feel this way; when he'd been treated exactly as he'd described? What could he say to make amends? What was the fix to this hurt? Gibbs didn't know. He felt like he was in over his head. What he did know, is that the reasons McGee was still a member of his team had absolutely nothing to do with the one the young man thought. He just had to find a way to make Tim see that.

"That's the part of this that will be most easy to fix, Tim. It's just buckling down on the things you've mentioned; but it won't take away the problem; just one of the symptoms." Gibbs advised.

"I know, Boss; but if this symptom had been fixed a long time ago; everything else could have been managed." Tim informed him.

"What do you need to feel like a valued member of this team?" Gibbs seriously cut to the chase.

"I can't think past the unanswered question in my own head, right now Boss. I'm not ready to answer that one for you, yet." Tim decided to be brutally honest.

"Ask me what ever you need to ask me, Tim."

"Okay. Why did you request me for your team? Why do I still suffer the fate of new Probies after all these years? Why do you treat me and talk to me like I can't be trusted to protect another member of the team? I'm too clumsy? I don't have your back well enough? I'm not fast enough? What is it?

"Wow! Okay. Fair enough." Gibbs drew in a deep breath. and slowly let it out.

"Honestly, Tim; First of all, I requested you for my team because of what I saw in you; your drive; your vision; yours skills; your manners; your untapped potential and I saw that your education and drive and ambition for experience and knowledge was being wasted in Norfolk.

If you've gotten the impression that I believe you can't be trusted to protect someone else on your team; i apologise. But, you have to know that if that were the case; I wouldn't send you out in the field.

Why you still; until now; have continued to be treated like a new probie? I got in a comfortable place; complacent; having trained Ziva, knowing Tony knew what he was doing; knowing what he needed to stay on an even keel; I just kept letting things go on the way they were; because it was comfortable. You always took whatever was dished out; so it never crossed my mind to change anything; I know that it doesn't make it right. Nothing can. A lot of what you put up with is inexcusable. There is no valid reason for it. I'm at a loss for words to even try to explain it. I don't know why I let it all come down on you. Honestly.

"I understand. It's hard to swallow, but I understand." Tim quietly said; obviously unhappy with the answer.

"What will it take to get you to withdraw your resignation and come back to the team?" Gibbs asked; hoping they'd reached that point.

"Honestly, Boss? That won't happen, ever again." Tim quietly told him.


	12. Where the Heart Is

Gibbs felt his heart stop. **"What? Why?"** He couldn't remember a time when Tim McGee had ever shocked him so badly before.

"Even if the teasing and harassment had dried up a month ago, it wouldn't change anything. It doesn't matter what you do differently now. You could send me back out into the field every day; you could assign me to a protection detail every day; you could have ended your relationship with Tony a month ago and none of it would change anything. None of it would make a difference." Tim said, the pain in his eyes, as he maintained eye contact with Gibbs, was heart-wrenching; the tight grip he held on the edge of the table; his fingers damn near translucent; testimony to the depth of whatever was driving his words. "That's why I'm leaving. I _**have**_ to leave."

"_Why, Tim?"_ Gibbs confusion and shock was evident in the shakiness of his voice as he asked the question.

Tim calmly got up from the table and stepped over to the sink. Turning the water on; he leaned on the sink; dropped his head down; and let his tears fall. Gibbs watched his agent with sorrow in his own heart. There was something much more painful for his agent, at the core of this mess; but until Tim let him in, shared it with him; Gibbs was powerless to help him. Silently Gibbs looked on as Tim physically reigned his emotions in; standing up straight, wiping away his tears; turning off the water; taking a deep breath and letting it back out slowly; and finally, turning around to face Gibbs again.

Having decided to be brutally honest at all costs; Tim once again looked Gibbs square in the eye and answered his question.: "Because, Boss; the problem is not out there; it's right here!" Tim pointed his finger back and forth between them.

Tim was quiet for a minute; giving his boss time to accept what he'd just been told. "There was a time, Boss; back when I first joined your team; that I _never_ for one second, _ever_ worried about your sense of fairness. I _knew_, without question that you looked out for everyone on your team in equal measure; protected us all the same."

"But, I haven't felt that in a very long time. Truth be told, Boss; I haven't even felt secure on this team in a very long time. It's like every time I get hurt; it's _'Oh, well, McGee must have done something stupid or gotten clumsy or something.' _But if Tony gets hurt_; _it's_ 'What the hell did you do, McGee?' _McGee can do no right and Tony can do no wrong. Hell, McGee doesn't even rate the use of his own 1st name unless he's in the dog house so deep; it takes him a week to get out of it or he's been seriously hurt in the field, for cryin out loud! Like I said equal measure? That's Ancient History on this team."

Again, Tim's words wreaked havoc on Gibbs' heart. He knew where his agent was coming from; not from shared experience; but from the other side of the coin. It had happened so many times over such a long period of time that Gibbs couldn't remember when or why he'd started treating him that way. He could certainly see why Tim felt the way he did; that Gibbs didn't care about his safety or well-being as much as he did Tony's. How the hell could he convince him of anything different, now?

Tim finally broke the silence; deciding that Gibbs was ready for the next piece of the painful pie he was dishing out; needing to share. "If Tony were standing in my shoes, not just in this spot; but literally _in_ my shoes right down to the Probie target on his back; and _he_ had asked you the very same questions _I_ just asked you; '_I don't know why'_ and '_I got comfortable'_ would have _**never **_been your answer. Those words probably would have never even _crossed_ your mind!

Tim stopped. He needed to regain his inner strength he would need it to feed Gibbs his next piece of this pie. It was going to be a tough one for the man to swallow. But then again, he'd taken on some pretty difficult chunks of it already and he was still standing. Yeah, the man was still standing here quietly taking in everything Tim was dishing out. His silence was very unnerving. Tim turned back to the sink and got a drink of water; both to break the silence and reclaim his bravado. Reclaiming his inner strength once more; he turned back around and sat back down at the table; ready to dish out yet another piece of the bitter truth"

"Maybe I'm dead wrong here; and if you can look me in the eye and honestly tell me that you would answer Tony's questions the same way you answered mine; I'll scrub your boots in front of the whole squad room for a month! I'll apologise from the depth of my soul; drive over to NCIS right now and tear up my resignation; come back to work in the morning and never complain about anything again"

"But honestly? Deep down honest; honestly; I know that I'm right about this; and the really sad part here is, you do, too. And as long as you can treat us that differently and be so comfortable in doing it; there's no place for me on this team."

Tim's eyes closed in pain and his head dropped; his shoulders slumped laden with disappointment and hurt. He couldn't bear to look at Gibbs any longer. He was having trouble holding back the rest of his tears, at it was. If he had looked at Gibbs any longer; it would have broken him.

A long painful silence; born of anger, hurt and guilt; filled the air between them.

Suddenly, Tim's eyes snapped back to Gibbs'; this time; they were wide with fear; as his breathing got harsh and panic ripped across Tim's face. "I…can't...breathe…" Tim managed as he struggled to get up out of his chair; the sudden panic attack robbing him of the ability to do what he needed done, on his own.

Gibbs heart stopped. This panic attack had come up outta nowhere! He quickly grabbed a paper bag out of a drawer close by and handed it to him to breathe into as he guided him outside in the fresh air and sat him down. Taking the bag away; he guided Tim's head down and quietly encouraged the young man to breathe in and out, repeatedly. Quietly, Gibbs talked him thru each breath he took to regain control. Several shaky minutes later, Tim felt like he'd regained his equilibrium and, with a shaky laugh of embarrassment, he joked, "Boy, don't I feel stupid, now."

After a moment of silence; Tim spoke again; "Thanks, Boss." Taking himself back into the kitchen, Tim poured himself more coffee and took his time fixing it the way he needed it. Too ashamed and embarrassed at his forthrightness towards Gibbs earlier, he couldn't bring himself to even look at him now; certain that all he would see is censure. Instead, he continued to stand at the sink, almost like it was his life preserver.

"Any idea what brought that on?" Gibbs asked him quietly from the doorway, where he stood, having followed Tim back inside.

"You mean, other than fear? No." Tim answered in his self-degrading tone. He was still unable to look at his boss. The coffee pot was much easier to stare at. It was safe.

"Fear of what? What is it that you're afraid of?" Gibbs quietly pushed for an explanation; hoping against hope that Tim would open up.

Tim just shook his head; unable or unwilling to answer the question. He wasn't about to discuss his fear with Gibbs. He hadn't even meant for the admission of fear to come out. He already felt raw; exposed; and getting thru this conversation was gonna be hell as it was. How the hell was he supposed to tell this man that he was scared to death of not being able to bring himself to leave NCIS? Was he supposed to admit that he was willing to keep putting up with this crap if it meant he didn't have to leave his surrogate family? _**No!**_ He had to be strong here; he **had** to leave. But, 1st, he had to survive this showdown with Gibbs.

Gibbs silently watched Tim continue to avoid looking at him, watched him continue to fight; to stand strong against whatever it was that had pushed him to this point. Gibbs knew it had taken an awful lot out of the young man to have brought himself to this place; where he could talk to his boss at this level. It took guts, it took lots of nerve, but more than that; it took being in a place where your heart just couldn't take being dumped on any more. Gibbs understood that.

That's why Tim's words hurt so much; because they meant that he, Leroy Jethro Gibbs, had brought this deep seated pain and misery to this young man; and that was something that just didn't sit well with him at all. It wasn't Gibbs' style to be that hurtful; especially to someone he knew counted on him and depended on him for safety and trust on a daily basis.

He was so set in his ways; that he never looked at things in a different light until someone pushed him into it. This was the biggest push he'd been given in a very long time. Apparently it was way overdue. Gibbs just prayed that he could figure out how to mend this boy's broken trust in him. Without that, there was no way they'd get him back. More importantly than that; without that, there was no way to get Tim back to where he'd been before; unbroken and untarnished.

Even though Tim had given him boatloads of things to think about, Gibbs knew that it was more important that Tim let go of everything that was bothering him, so the young man could find some peace. Something else; still unspoken, was bothering his agent, Gibbs could see it in his tense shoulders; the stiffness of his stance; and he could feel it in the air between them.

"Tim" Gibbs quietly tried to get the man to look at him or at least say whatever was obviously still on his mind.

Tim turned around, leaned back against the sink; letting it hold him up, and finally looked Gibbs in the eye again. Still he said nothing; merely waited for Gibbs to make the next move.

"Something else is bothering you, I can see it."

"Yeah, you're right, there is. But you don't get to have it all compounded, Boss. You want me to be able to work thru this? Talk it _all_ out with you? I need you to take it in the pieces I'm capable of giving you." Tim's voice still wavered with emotion, but he held Gibbs' gaze steadily, surely; not backing down from what he'd said.

"Ok. I can understand that. You've given me a lot to process; to think about, it's gonna take some time, Tim." Gibbs admitted. "but, I have one question I need you to answer for me, if you would."

"If I can." Tim answered.

"What do you need from me? Right now, and in order to consider coming back to the team?"

"Right now? I honestly don't know what I need. To consider coming back? I told you, it's not an option."

"I get that. What I'm asking you is what would _make_ it an option for you?"

Tim finally let his anger rip; raising his voice for the 1st time that night; "**Oh, come on, Gibbs! If you called Tony up right now and asked him what he likes about working for you; what would he say? What reasons would he give you for working for you all these years? Are you honestly gonna stand there and tell me that you don't understand that both of our reasons for wanting to work for you should come close to being the same? They damn sure shouldn't be as different as night and day; which in all likelihood, they are!"**

Taking his eyes of Gibbs; he silently took himself back out the French doors to the backyard. He'd had enough for now. He needed some space to breathe. Almost everything he needed to say, had been said. It was amazing how much better he felt, now that he'd gotten the opportunity to speak his heart as well as his mind. Consequences be damned. He could finally breathe freely. Who knows, maybe now he'd even be able to sleep thru the night!.

******************

Over at Abby's house, she, Ziva and Tony sat back; all in shock. It had been a hell of a night! They had known when they secretly set up the video equipment, to feed into Abby's computer; so they could see/hear the conversation between those two; that it would give them what they needed to help Gibbs figure out how to get Tim back on the team. But, they'd had no idea it would get so intense; so personal; so deep! There was _no_ way they could fix this! This was strictly between Tim and Gibbs. Gibbs had been right. He had done this and he needed to fix it.

Other than give them a sleepless night; watching and rewatching the video gave all three of them so much insight into the real Tim McGee; it was like they were getting to know him all over again; only this time; as a person and not just their geekish probie. It was an extreme eye-opener. But, it also showed them how desperate the situation really was. Tim's trust and feeling safe and secure was so hard to break; and even harder to rebuild; they figured. They didn't know for sure; because they'd never had reason to travel that road with him.

Setting the alarm clock for 7, so they could grab breakfast and head to Ducky's the girls hit the hay. Tony could not sleep. Watching the live feed of Gibbs' house, he could see the distressed man still sitting at his kitchen table; his eyes closed; his hands clenched in fists on the table; and tears on his face. Tears? _Oh, God_, Tony couldn't stand it another minute. He had to do something. Anxiously, he picked up his phone.

"Tony, why are you still up?" Gibbs quietly asked as he answered the phone.

"Gibbs, you okay?" Tony's concern was so evident, Gibbs was a little spooked.

"Tony, why are you asking me? Do you know something I don't?" Gibbs sounded nervous.

"Actually, yeah, I do, Gibbs." Tony admitted. "Look on your picture frame in the corner behind you, and on the one next to the stove."

"I'm going to assume there was a reason for this that will be the right answer and will alleviate my intense desire to slap all three of you?" Gibbs quietly asked; steel in his voice as he walked over to the picture and took the mini-cam off of it and then did the same to the other one.

"Well, yeah, Gibbs; how else can we help if we don't know exactly what's on his mind? We knew whatever he had to say; it would be easier for us to follow if you didn't have to repeat it all; and if we got to see his state of mind 1st hand. He doesn't have to know we did it like this." Tony explained.

"All right, We'll talk about this later; all three of you can bet on that! Get some sleep. I'll be fine. And, Tony? Thank you!" Gibbs quietly finished his conversation; quickly hiding the cameras. Hanging up the phone, Gibbs refilled his coffee and went to check on his agent.

Tim had been too quiet for too long. Gibbs made it as far as his living room and stopped. Slowly, a tentative smile made it to his face, as he crossed to the French doors and closed them. Turning around; he picked up the spare blanket off the back of the recliner; unfolded it and covered Tim with it. The young man had taken off his shoes and stretched out on the couch; and was now, finally, sleeping; his face calm and relaxed. Tim was finally at peace with his thoughts.

Looking at his sleeping agent now, Gibbs felt his heart break.


	13. Interspective

**I apologise for the delay. I put a lot of time/thought into this chapter. I hope no one is disappointed. Please keep the reviews and suggestions coming. I do not own NCIS; I only borrow the charactors for fun.**

* * *

Gibbs was too wired to even consider going to bed. Here it was three o'clock in the morning, when most sensible and sane people on this side of the world, were asleep and what was he doing; sitting in his arm chair; watching over his troubled field agent as the young man finally kept hold of the peaceful slumber that had been so elusive for the poor guy lately. Right now, oblivious to everything around him; Tim was finally finding some crucial peace of mind, by the looks of his undisturbed sleep; apparently, having felt safe enough, and it would seem; with enough trust left in his heart somewhere; to have allowed himself to give in to sleep, while under Gibbs' watch and protection.

For the first time in a very long time, Gibbs found himself stopping long enough to relish and embrace the reality of that unspoken trust. He, of all people, understood how fragile trust was. How many times had his own trust in someone been broken? Too damn many times to count; and every one of those times; too damn painful to go traipsing thru the memory of it. Gibbs knew, hell, he'd always known, that every one of his agents trusted him with their very lives; every time they went out in the field with him; and trusted him indirectly thru his direction, when he wasn't' with them.

It wasn't just his agents who trusted him on this level. Each of those agents came to his team with a family of their own; of one sort or another; who blindly trusted him; Leroy Jethro Gibbs; their Team Leader; with the lives of their loved one. Having had to make way too damn many phone calls to the family of men he'd lost in combat; and especially Kate; usually kept Gibbs grounded in the reality of that trust. A deep residual fear of having the possibility over his head daily; that one day; God forbid; he'd have to make one of those phone calls again; helped guide his instincts in the field. Never again, did Gibbs want that to be the reality on his team; especially on his watch. The phone call to Kate's family had damn near destroyed him almost as much as her senseless death had come close to doing.

And trust was a commodity that was crucial to the foundation of a solid, close-knit team. If the team didn't have that trust; if they didn't feel safe; secure; if they were always worried that somehow, someway; one of them wasn't going to be going home that day; then someone probably would get hurt. Tim McGee had spoken of that fear; expressed not feeling secure on this team. Tim's trust in his Team Leader had been compromised, maybe even more than that; shaken; and possibly not just shaken; but, broken.. Team Leader, Leroy Jethro Gibbs had fallen down on the job, and had been too self-absorbed to even notice.

When the team had been formed; they had cemented together firmly and completely; looking out for each other; protecting each other; keeping each other safe and sound. Why was it then; that no one had noticed the crack? Apparently, the foundation had been cracking for so long; silently buckling under unrealized pressure; that it was now actually starting to crumble. This family unit, in all likelihood; would not survive this separation of its' foundation.

Gibbs drew his breath in sharply as that painful thought registered among his brain waves. Letting his breath back out slowly; he continued to study Tim's face as the young man slumbered on; allowing the calm peacefulness he saw on Tim's face to keep his own nerves calm; while he struggled to sort thru his chaotic thoughts and recalled Tim's words and questions. Gibbs was extremely grateful for this quiet time; needing this opportunity to deal with his demons as well; refusing this time; to sweep them back under the rug; as he usually did; where they would lie-in-wait for another chance to wreak havoc in his life or worse; in the lives of those around him.

Knowing that he had a mountain of thinking to get thru; Gibbs silently got up and went for a refill of his coffee. Coming back thru the house, on his way to return to his seat; a photo on top of his bookcase caught his attention. Reaching up, he took the photo and brought it down; bringing it with him back to his seat; where he once again, slid a glance over to Tim to ensure he was still peacefully sleeping; before looking back down at the photo; a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, as he recalled the day it had been taken; several months after he'd returned from Mexico.

Gibbs and Ducky had mended their broken relationship; and in celebration of this; Ducky had invited the whole team to his house for a cook-out. Looking at the photo kept the smile on Gibbs' face; until he noticed, upon closer inspection; the look on Tim's face in it. While everyone else had managed to cut loose and really relax; enjoy themselves; be themselves; eat, drink and be merry that day; Tim; Gibbs recalled; had worn the look of someone who had just been painfully pinched, the entire day. Looking, once again, at the photo; Gibbs saw that same look, still on the young man's face.

Remembering back to that day; Gibbs recalled searching the young man's eyes for a clue of what he'd been thinking; with no results. Whatever he was feeling; Tim had gotten better at masking it; although still couldn't do so completely. Tim's eyes had; before Gibbs had left for Mexico; forever been extremely expressive; never managing to hide his emotions in the least. It had dawned on Gibbs that day; that the young man had changed; and some of those changes were worrisome. No one else had commented to Gibbs about it.

Gibbs knew that for that reason alone; _he_ should have looked into whatever it was that was going on with Tim further, but he had still been trying to settle back into his position on the team; and reconcile his own life to the choice he had made to come back. His head had not totally been in the place where he was ready to focus more on his agents than his own quandry. It had taken some serious soul searching and personal adjusting of his own. Looking over at his sleeping agent, as this recalled memory swirled around in his head; Gibbs frowned.

Looking back down at the photo, yet again; Gibbs felt a stab of regret. For someone who usually prided himself on his long-standing powers of observation and the ability to read people; this stark reminder; another glaring example of having missed the forest for the trees; did absolutely nothing to ease the ache in his heart over this situation. The team was falling apart right before his eyes; and he hadn't even seen it coming.

His team! Since losing his beloved first family; this team and this job as a Federal Law Enforcement Officer; office politics aside; were the only things he found he could depend on; trust in to be there for him; Kate's death had seriously shaken his feeling in his ability to depend on the job; but; thankfully; hadn't completely shattered it. Gibbs had managed to salvage what was left; pick himself up; pick Tony and Tim back up and even help Abby and Ducky, as well as Palmer; thankfully; they'd not made it too difficult; despite their own grief and pain at her loss; and regrouped; somehow finding the strength to accept Ziva onto the team, along the way..

With the exception of Ziva; Gibbs had handpicked this team; chosen each one of them with pride and anticipation. He had been excited at the thought of training them; pushing them way beyond what they thought themselves capable of doing and learning. Tony had been easy to train; despite his years as a cop; or more likely because of them. Tony had been like a sponge; soaking up both the teaching and the attention. His being a fast learner had helped a hell of a lot.

Tim, on the other hand; while not difficult; had been harder to train; his completely different background actually worked against his field training to some extent. The kid had been so used to learning from books; anything outside the box was hard for him to grasp the 1st time around. His phobias didn't help any of them get thru it any easier. But, eventually, the guy had put away his preconceived ideas and learned to go with the flow; learn from whatever or whoever he could; soaking up the experiences as much as Tony once had. Tim had been a huge asset to the team; even before he was officially assigned to them. Kate, well Kate had been willing to learn; just stubbornly set in a few of her ways; but nothing to hamper her training. Ziva; well, the Mossad Officer had been a quick study; and an equally quick asset to the team. Gibbs had never regretted choosing or accepting any of them to his team.

He had protected them; toughened them up; taught them things he, himself, had had to learn the hard way. When they'd been too exhausted to stay in the fight; he'd relentlessly pushed them; ignoring the complaints their exhaustion had addled their brains with; frustration had driven them to let them out; inhuman, ruthless, cold; unfeeling; etc. Even while they were learning to toughen up under his "Marine" tough expectations; they had known without question; that'd he'd risk his own life for each one of theirs; but never the other way around. Gibbs had known that that was why they stayed in the game; why they never let him down. Not one of his team _ever_ lost that knowledge and deep-seated faith in his willingness and ability to protect them to the best of his ability; _before _he'd left for Mexico. Gibbs felt his breath catch; again. At that moment, Gibbs felt like he'd been punched in the gut. It had just hit him. _That_ was the moment; the crack in the team's foundation had first started. The defining moment.

When he'd returned from Mexico and attempted to slide back into his role as Team Leader; he'd come back slightly detached towards the agents on his team. Although that wasn't entirely true, either. With Tony; he'd reconnected on several levels; their longstanding working relationship somehow surviving the separation; the test of time; and the reconnecting of the team. Ziva; thankful for his help in saving her from the Iranian Intel set-up that almost got away with framing her for murder and espionage; was completely happy to accept him back into the role as Team Leader; as was Abby. Both ladies had made it incredibly easy to get back to working with them again. Palmer had been no different than before; skittish and extremely quiet. Ducky; well everyone could see that Ducky had been downright pissed; not necessarily at his return; but more at him directly. Jen had been pleased; and worried. She'd made her feelings very plain on the subject. She was probably climbing up on her pedestal; nominating herself as Queen Bee; since it was her opinion that had altered his plans for his future; and brought him back to NCIS, in the 1st place.

But, Tim; well, he had been a walking contradiction. For the 1st week; from day one; Tim had been unabashedly relieved to have Gibbs back and he'd hadn't cared how obvious he was about it. Gibbs recalled thinking that there was something wrong with that. What had gone on while he was gone? Tim's extreme enthusiasm had raised a red flag with Gibbs; but he'd never had the time or opportunity to follow up on it.

Gibbs had begun feeling like he was doing the young man a huge dis-service by being back as Team Leader and so he'd begun to distance himself even more from Tim; hoping he'd stand back up on his two feet; find his way back to being sure of himself; comfortable in his own skin; not needing Gibbs to validate his place on the team.

But, that hadn't happened. Instead, Tim had done the complete opposite. By the 3rd case they'd worked after Gibbs' return; Tim'd fallen back into the clumsy; stammering; insecure agent; they'd had to train when he first came to them. It was like he'd gone home the new Tim; turned him off; and sent the old one to work from that day forward. It had been hard to watch. Gibbs had known his team dynamic was off kilter. He'd seen it in lots of little ways and a few big ones, too. Tim's drastic change in who he was; his relationship with Tony; where it had once been rough; it had now turned extremely rocky; at best; angrier and much less tolerant than it had ever been before. Tony seemed uncomfortable in his own skin for a while there, too.

Gibbs had silently watched and took it all in; trying to figure out what to do about it. He'd opted to play it by ear and watch for further developments. Sure enough; by the time their sixth case had been handed to them; everyone seemed to have settled down. Obviously, Gibbs had somehow turned a blind eye to what was still right in front of him.

Shaking his head to bring his thoughts back to the present; Gibbs once again slid a glance over to his couch. Boy, when this kid was exhausted, he slept like the dead! With a sad grin, Gibbs realized that it was only in these private moments that he allowed himself to think of how much these kids meant to him. He usually tried so hard not to let on; to let it show; that he thought of them as his surrogate children; sons he'd never had; would have been damn proud to have had; and additional daughters; in whom he'd also would have been proud to have; no matter their mistakes; misjudgments they'd made. Gibbs' attempts to distance himself from the young man; had obviously backfired. Somewhere along the way, Tim and Gibbs' connection of trust had been torn to shreds. Now the Team Leader found himself almost ready to beg the emotionally bruised and battered man, currently sleeping on his couch, to stay.

Gibbs couldn't help but think back to when Tim first joined the team; remembering with pride; how the poor kid hadn't known what had hit him; but he'd kept bouncing back for more. Tim hadn't been the least bit prepared for it; but he'd been like a life-size weeble-wobble; no matter how many times he got knocked down; he'd come right back for more. Gibbs knew that Tim worried so much about looking out for other people that he often times forgot to look out for himself. The young man's strict but supportive upbringing had obviously shaped his character in that direction. His "can-do" attitude; brought on by his background; was truly an asset to the team. Gibbs had seen that much in him back when he'd only been on loan to the team from the Norfolk office!

Life after MIT and Johns Hopkins U had brought Tim McGee here, indirectly; to him and Gibbs had been ecstatic at the chance to have him permanently and hadn't been afraid to call in all the favors necessary to get it done. What's more; Tim had been happy here; "Probie" status and all that that had entailed; and all; he'd been happy. Gibbs knew that realizing his life-long dream to become a Federal Agent; had not been easy for Tim; despite his brilliance and his degrees. He'd had his share of traumas in life before he'd even gotten there and he'd needed help to get thru FLETC; and not been ashamed to admit it.

As one of the team's strongest assets; Tim was their very own 2-legged crime lab; he was resilient; not too uptight; brilliant, dedicated; a certified genius; sensitive in nature with an innate compassion for others; which often times led him to being easily hurt and manipulated. Gibbs, himself knew that he'd taken advantage of Tim's good points more often than not.

McGee had shown his own quiet strength and courage; his potential being evident thru his eagerness, persistence and intelligence. Even though he'd been painfully shy and stammering with nerves; he'd been damn good at his job; he'd shown his willingness to work hard and had calmly handled anything and everything that had been thrown at him. Against his genius with computers, Tim's skills as a scientist often got overlooked. Here he had been; only 26 with two degrees and most people missed the astonishing brilliance hiding beneath the geek. Still, Tim had persisted in learning everything he could; even changing those parts of himself that weren't quite fitting in with the job.

Tim McGee was a perfectionist. He hated to make mistakes. Gibbs respected that about him and respected him for that. But, sometimes, Tim's need for that perfectionism worked against him; had him finding faults where there were none. His penchant for withdrawing into himself and damn near drowning in responsibility and guilt where he saw any; often times were cause for extreme concern. Gibbs often wondered if that came from Tim having been so relentlessly bullied in school or if it came from his bad experiences with shrinks; or maybe it came from both.

Gibbs had always respected Tim's unselfish nature; the part of him that always saw the good in people; well before he ever saw the bad. There wasn't a malicious bone in the man's body; not even a drop of hatred or unkindness. Well, except maybe a dollop for Erin Kendall's murderer. He was the last person on earth that should be going thru this. Tim had already lost so many that mattered to him in one way or another. There had been, Kate; Paula, Pacci, Erin Kendall, Det. Benedict.

_Benedict._ Over the last few years; _that_ case; the one that, just as Gibbs had always feared; apparently still haunted Tim. That one had always hovered in the back of Gibbs' mind, too; not because of what had gone wrong; but because he'd always feared Tim had never really let go of it. Apparently, he'd been right to be concerned. He just wished he'd been smart enough to verbally check his suspicions before now. Gibbs knew, Tim had never really let go of Erin Kendall's death either. That just wasn't Tim's style. When Tim McGee felt responsible and guilty for someone; there was no way on earth that anyone else could talk him around to seeing how it wasn't his fault; ever.

With vivid clarity; like it happened yesterday; Gibbs recalled looking in the rearview mirror at his distraught agent; just after Archer had committed suicide by cop in his own driveway. Tim had been so withdrawn into himself; locked up in the guilt, responsibility; sick feeling; the works; that Gibbs had been surprised he'd been able to stumble into the car. And now, he'd wrapped himself up tightly in his trench coat and sat visibly shaking and shivering in the heat of the sun shining unmercifully hot into the car. As they had pulled away from the scene; seeing his agent; his surrogate son; in that condition; had shaken Gibbs to the core. Although; he remembered not being sure what had shaken him more at the time; seeing Tim frozen in self doubt while damn near getting shot to death at near point blank range; or seeing him so distraught; he'd appeared on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Tim McGee was naturally pale at the best of times; but at that moment; his face had been so pale; he had made Ducky's autopsy cases look healthy. Gibbs had seriously been worried about him.

Gibbs remembered having learned a very valuable lesson that day; valuable but damn expensive. _This troubled genius can't be rushed._ The cost of that lesson had been too high; especially for the genius in question. A price Gibbs never wanted to make the mistake of causing Tim to have to pay again; any one of his agents for that matter.

Gibbs blinked away tears he hadn't realized he'd been shedding; as he recalled what Tim had been thru; what he and Tim had had to go thru to put that horrible situation to rights; as best they could.; and the long battle they had had to watch Tim wage to come back from that mess. After Tim's revelations last night; it was painfully clear that Tim McGee had never forgiven himself for it.

Gibbs knew that it had taken a long time before Tim's nightmares stopped hounding his sleep. That had been easy to see; Gibbs had watched for the telltale signs of sleep deprivation to go away; hoping against hope that the young man would seek help; only knowing if Tim was seeking someone to talk to; it wasn't from him. He also knew that Tim took himself to the Agency shrink for a long time; although his agent never discussed it with him; the shrink kept them apprised of his mental status so they could determine his readiness for field status. It had taken three months before Tim had announced he felt he was capable of going out in the field again. Even then, Gibbs had seen it in his eyes; the young man didn't really have the self confidence to step back out there yet. Gibbs had pulled him aside to talk with him.

"_Tim, I know you've got what it takes; you're a damn good agent! "But, you're no good to me; to your team; to yourself; unless __**you**__ know you have what it takes; especially when it comes to your firearm! I've seen the way you look at your weapon. You need to stop looking at it like you don't know what the hell it's there for. We've been thru this."_

"_I know, Boss"_ Tim's subdued response had done precious little to make Gibbs feel better about things.

Gibbs closed his eyes; trying in vain to close his mind to the images of what that time had done to the young man currently still sleeping on his couch.

Tim had tried his best; as he always did with everything he worked at. But, he'd had no real experience of being battered and bruised against the reality of something like this; and it had seriously jeopardized his faith in himself. Gibbs knew his team forward and back; knew their strengths and their weaknesses: and McGee's weakness, had been in not knowing how strong he really is. He had just needed to be reminded of that strength. So, Gibbs had accompanied him to the range; and gotten him over his problem with his weapon. That had been the easy part. The rest; well, the rest had to come from within Tim, himself. Gibbs had simply stepped back and supportively given him the time he needed to get there.

It had taken Tim a long time to come back from that ledge. Once they did get him back; things had slowly returned to normal. The jokes and pranks and hazing had all come back into play. Tim had continued to rise to the occasion; take it on the chin; and with more and more frequency; give back as well as; if not better than he'd been given.

Letting out a deep sigh; Gibbs opened his eyes and focused them again on his agent. Yeah, thankfully, he had been able to bring himself back to the folds of the team. They had rallied around him and set things back on track. Repeatedly; over and over; thru the trials and tribulations; they rallied.

Teams can be broken up – their team will be broken up; if this couldn't be set to rights. The family unit would be torn apart. Gibbs had already lost one family; and been given a chance to develop this team into one; only; apparently, to lose his grip on the fundamental backbone of this family unit; trust. Now a crucial member; well, hell; every one of them is crucial; wanted out.

_Wait a second!_ Gibbs' whirling brain cells finally caught up with it. Tim McGee did not say he _**wanted**_ out!

_None of it would make a difference." "That's why I'm leaving. I __**have**__ to leave."_

_Whoa; that's a huge difference! That's the difference between a fighting chance and no way in hell - maybe there is still a chance I can fix this!_ Gibbs thought; hope beginning to rise in his chest. It was gonna be a tough fight though.

_What will it take to get you to withdraw your resignation and come back to the team?" _

"_Honestly, Boss? That won't happen, ever again_

"_Why, Tim?"_

"_Because, Boss; the problem is not out there; it's right here!"_

Being emotionally wounded and tapped out had never been the focus of concern before. This wasn't the same thing as being so wound up you felt like you were gonna snap. This was different. It was this different emotional component that had thrown them all for a loop.. And Gibbs didn't know what he would need to do to fix this. And suddenly he felt like he was in over his head; terrified.

None of them had any experience in how Tim; sweet, intelligent, trusting, methodical; handled being this in this situation; until now. Tim's words from his sanctioned blow-up came back in vivid detail; Gibbs' mind replaying it in stereo mode;

_It never matters that when I get hurt; tazered; attacked by dogs; suffering with poison ivy; whatever; that instead of concern; help; or God forbid; compassion; I get ridiculed; scorned; and laughed at! After all, that just means I'm weak, right?"_

_You let him get away with it! You don't even attempt to rein him in unless you're tired of hearing it! You barely show concern. When Jethro attacked me; I was honored with a touch of your concern. You didn't even catch how surprised I was to get that!_

_She opened the door. You punished me! You didn't listen to anything I said. Abby's never wrong. Tony's never wrong and Tim doesn't matter! Tim's clumsy; Tim's immature; Tim's not to be taken seriously; unless of course; it's a technical issue. And if it is a technical issue; Tim can never do it fast enough or good enough; it's that simple! _

_I screw up more than anyone else on this team. I get that. I'm reminded of that every day when I think of Erin and Benedict! You think it's easy to live with that?_

_Knowing that I'm just being tolerated because somehow I just can't seem to screw up enough to get tossed out on my ass?"_

_As long as all this is all you think of when it comes to me; you will never fully see me as a Field Agent with any more potential. _

_You only turn to me for help when you have to!_

_Your personal relationship finally explains it all! You have each other's backs and the hell with me! I get it now._

_You both work with me everyday and not once in a very long time have either of you looked up or away from each other long enough to see what this was doing to me? You couldn't even tell that I was drowning in all of this?_

_I'm done! I give up the fight. You're so right; I'm not good enough for Team Gibbs! Satisfied?"_

"_Oh, Tim; I am so sorry."_ Gibbs softly said out loud as the memories flooded his mind.

Hearing Tim's words rip thru his mind again had snapped Gibbs' ability to keep his emotions reigned in any longer; and as the anguish he felt at what he'd put his agent thru raged thru him; he closed his eyes; the tears silently rolling down his face

A few feet away; a young man; awakened unexpectedly; listened to the sad apology; watched in sadness as his mentor; his surrogate father; silently cried. Feeling the weight of responsibility for the sadness in front of him; his own heart filled with anquish; his own tears rolling down his face; as he did the 1st thing that came to his mind.

"_I'm sorry, too, Boss."_


	14. Why Didn't You See This?

I don't own NCIS; I just borrow the charactors for fun. Sorry for the delay. I hope you like it. Some twists/turns starting to show up.

* * *

Gibbs didn't know what shocked him more; the fact that Tim had woken up to see Leroy Jethro Gibbs being emotional; or the fact that Tim was feeling the need to accept the responsibility for it.

The silence that permeated the room was unstable; fraught with sorrow and guilt; blame and culpability. As both men reigned in their emotions; drove their tears back down where they belonged; the silence grew more uncomfortable and lengthy.

Over on the couch, Tim was extremely upset. _This_ hadn't been part of the plan. This had _never _been part of the plan. This was _not_ supposed to happen. _Damn it_, this was not supposed to happen_!_ Tim had never wanted to hurt Gibbs like this. It had never been his intention to make Gibbs feel this kind of pain; and he could only hope and pray that it wasn't his doing. Maybe Gibbs was dealing with something else; maybe he was releasing more of the pain he'd bottled up from losing Shannon and Kelly. Tim desperately prayed that whatever it was that had brought Gibbs to this point; that it hadn't been him. The thought of this even possibly being his fault; brought even more unbidden tears to his eyes; despite his best efforts to the contrary. Gibbs had taught him everything he knew; trained him; toughened him up; kept him going when he wanted to give up; filled the empty place in his heart that his long-distance family left.

_Yeah, the guy gets it wrong a lot of times; but, damn it; he gets it right a lot of times, too ! And for someone who's been thru the crap and the devastating, painful losses that he's been thru; the guy's turned out pretty damn okay. Not to mention the fact that he still keeps on; still puts a hell of a lot of effort into keeping us doing our jobs well; trying to get justice for the victims. _

_And what happened that night was __**not**__ Gibbs' fault! __It didn't happen because he left. I know that; deep down, I really do know that. _

_But not wanting to be the cause of him hurting like this doesn't mean I can handle staying. But, it does mean, I need to be man enough to tell him I really am sorry; just in case it is my fault he's this upset. I would rather have just pretended like I didn't see this; but, I can't leave him hurting like this. I don't care how pissed I am at him. I just cant !. I can't live with myself if I've done this or anything I said to him did this; and didn't take this chance to make amends for it._

All Tim could do is follow his gut, here and at this very moment; he wasn't too confident in what his gut was telling him; but he bit the bullet and followed it anyway. Consequences be damned.

"I'm sorry." Tim's repeated quiet; tearful apology broke down Gibbs' defenses. His 1st whispered apology had already broken thru his tortured thoughts and cracked the wall he'd built around them.

"I didn't mean for things to get to this point between us. I should have said something to you a long time ago; but I didn't know how to talk to you like this before now." He kept his eyes down; waiting for a sign that Gibbs was willing to answer him; or at least; had pulled himself together enough to look at Tim.

"It's not your fault, Tim." Gibbs finally managed to say. "We both know it took a whole lot of mistakes on my part to get us to where we are now." Gibbs' actually managed to keep his quiet voice steady; and as he looked over at Tim; he found the strength to steady his nerves once again and talk to his agent straight from the heart.

"Tim… …the loss of any agent is devastating. But to be losing you, - because you no longer trust me to be there for you- to protect you- to be fair to you- is so much worse."

"I don't know what I can say, Gibbs." Tim quietly admitted. Gibbs' obviously heart-felt words touched him; resounded thru his brain; shaking his resolve to leave no matter the cost. The cost that Gibbs or anyone else on the team would pay for his leaving had never even crossed his mind, until now!

_Well, damn; why the hell didn't't I think about this aspect sooner? Why should anyone else on this team have to pay the price of me leaving? The time and unstableness of having to train a replacement would be costly; not just in money; but in their safety; I mean Ziva, Tony and Gibbs safety out in the field with an agent in training? No, I can't do that to them._

Tim remembered painfully, how petrified he had been that he would do something screwballish and get one of them hurt or worse; this in turn had made him clumsier and more self-conscience; creating a vicious circle. And when they had lost Kate; he had quietly and adamantly blamed himself; especially when they'd discovered how damn close Ari had been to pickin him off that day; before he shot Kate.

******************************

Gibbs, even amidst his own pain and grief over her death; had pulled him aside to ask him why he was carrying the self-appointed guilt about her death. Tim had been astonished at his perception; given that he hadn't said a word to anyone about believing he was responsible. Gibbs, Tim recalled; had smiled at him for a brief second, at the unspoken question in his eyes; and then he'd gotten serious.

"_Tim, I can see it in the way you carry yourself. You're second guessing almost every decision you make out there now; and that is incredibly dangerous! If you don't pull yourself out of this place your in; where nothing you do is right because it was supposed to be you that didn't come home that day instead of Kate; the next time, it will be you that doesn't come home; or maybe it'll be me or Tony; or even Ducky! I get that you're going thru survivor's guilt; but; and I'm only ever gonna say this this one time; "we were out there with her, on that roof! We are all going thru this! And that's why we need to pull together to work thru it; continue to be there for each other; or we might as well, never walk out that door on another case! And before you suffocate yourself with blame and all that stuff; don't! I know you would never intentionally endanger any of us or yourself; so apology accepted; get your head on straight; and get back on track. Let's carry on, shall we?"_

Tim had been blown away! He'd been speechless. Gibbs' perception; his own self-absorption; his unthinking possibly endangering the others; Gibbs quickness in forgiving it all and readiness to ensure they all moved on? _Wow, okay, I can do this!_

"Thank you, Boss," he had offered, letting his eyes convey how much he meant it.

Gibbs had looked at him closely for a long silent minute, and then he'd done the most unexpected thing Tim could have ever conceived of his boss doing; he'd pulled Tim into a hug for a brief minute; whispering in his ear; _"It's okay to still be here. It's __**not**__ your fault that she is not."_

Then, he'd stepped back; looked him in the eye; until Tim had offered a smile that spoke of his belief in Gibbs' words; then he'd turned and left the room; leaving Tim too stunned to move and grateful beyond measure; as well as; lost as to what to do next. It had taken him a full five minutes before he'd cleared his head of everything except Gibbs' last instruction to _"...get back on track…carry on..."_ He'd gone back to work Gibbs' style like the only thing that had happened was change. He didn't want to see them have to go out in the field with that kind of problem on their hands again

**********************************

Tim smiled at the memory; that smile quickly turning upside down into a frown when the thought of Gibbs' loss of Kelly and Shannon crossed his mind. Gibbs must have been in much deeper personal pain than any of them could have ever understood then or even now over Kate's death. And yet, the man had kept going; even stopping to pick each of them up when they fell; holding them up until they'd regained their equilibrium; and encouraging them to keep going; never faltering, even for a second. He'd seemed almost invincible.

That was, until the explosion that almost killed him. When Gibbs had quit; decided he couldn't handle the beaurocratic b.s. that he'd almost lost his life for; Tim had been devastated. The pain Tim had felt at Gibbs; the man that was a surrogate father for him; who he'd depended on to feel safe in this dangerous job; had abandoning him; had been almost enough to break him. All the feelings he'd worked so tirelessly; with the man's help; to overcome; came back in droves; beginning with feeling replaceable and extremely vulnerable and spiraling downward from there. He had been seriously thrown off balance with only his nemesis as his new Team Leader to help him back to his feet.

And when Gibbs had returned; to save Ziva; and then to help Fornell; Tim had been happy to see the man; but purposefully kept his distance from him; the man who'd hurt him and had made it plain; he wasn't back to stay. When he had come back to stay; sure; Tim had been ecstatic; at first; but then Gibbs had begun to distance himself from Tim; leaving Tim feeling well and truly slapped. It had spiraled out of control from there. The pain of that traumatic night; where Tim had reached rock bottom; while Gibbs had been gone; resurfacing with a vengeance; never to completely leave him in peace again.

Gibbs silently watched Tim work thru whatever it was going on in that brilliant mind of his. Not wanting to disturb him; Gibbs sat patiently and simply closed his eyes; trying to mentally work out a strategy to get this young man back. First things first, he had to want to come back. Considering he wasn't wanting to leave in the first place; that should be an easy fix. Still it wasn't stopping all of this soul searching and having to make things right with each other; so, apparently, the road to success with this was gonna be harder yet.

After many silent moments; Gibbs could stand it no longer; he got up and stretched from having been sitting still for so long; looking over at Tim, he was surprised to see him watching; waiting for Gibbs' next move.

"You ready for some coffee?" Gibbs asked.

"Yes, thank you," was the quiet, almost whispered, extremely polite answer.

Bringing two cups of fresh brewed coffee back with him, some 10 minutes later; Gibbs was surprised again; this time to find Tim sitting up on the couch; with his head leaned back; his eyes closed; and his cheeks suspiciously wet.

"Wanna tell me about it?" Gibbs quietly asked him as he set his coffee down in front of him.

Tim opened his eyes. As Gibbs got comfortable in his chair; he drank his coffee; needing the caffeine boost and the gusto it would give him to go on.

The questioning look Gibbs gave him brought a wry smile to his face as he thought: _There's no way he wants to hear anymore of this._

Evidently, Gibbs' mind reading skills were in top-notch form this morning because he actually had a response to that thought!

"Tim, as long as we're trying to work thru this; if there's something that needs to be said or asked; then so be it; say it; ask it. The only problem I'll have; is if you're holding back." Gibbs promised.

Tim's doubt in Gibbs' ability to be that openly tolerant was written all over his face.

"Try me." His boss said with a smile.

"I only have a couple of more issues between you and I that I haven't brought up yet. The one that is most important to me is Mexico. I'm not looking to pass an opinion about that decision; that's neither my place nor my point; My question is this: while you were there or even since you've been back; has it crossed your mind; or have you even given any thought to what that decision in your life did to ours? The countless changes that came about from your leaving; what they did to us; to me?

Gibbs blinked in surprise. Yeah; he'd known this elephant was still here between them. It looked like the time to take care of it had come.

"Yeah, Tim. Yeah, I did. But to be honest; what I did think in regard to you and how you were handling it all; in hindsight I can see, was as backwards as the day is long. It was obvious that you were happy that I was back, at first. Alarmingly, happy. So, I figured you needed to be shown that you didn't need me to hold you up; you could stand on your own two feet and quite well, too. But the more I tried to give you the space to do that by letting Tony be tough with you and not being complimenting your work very much; the more you tripped yourself up and the harder you fell back on your ass. Finally; it seemed to get to the point where you'd picked yourself up one too many times for your own liking; and came back up fighting mad; ready to take on all of us in the ring. Seems like you've been stuck at that point for quite a while now and the only thing that has changed is; you've been getting angrier every day that goes by that doesn't include an actual sparring match for you! I just haven't figured out what the catalyst to all this was for you," he quietly explained.

Tim had waited a long time for this moment. He swallowed hard; looked his boss directly in the eye and threw the match on the already smoldering fire; his voice as quiet as Gibbs' had been:

"You were."

Silently he gave Gibbs a moment to process what he'd just said; hoping his boss' usually quick ability to put 2 and 2 together; would save him from a lengthy explanation. But, apparently, that wasn't meant to be as Gibbs just stared at him. Tim took a second to gather his thoughts; yeah, this had been a long time coming; but, he still wasn't totally prepared for it. It was nerve wracking, to say the least.

Gibbs didn't know what to think, say or even feel. His conscience pricked at him. He knew that he had whatever was coming; coming to him; because he had handled it poorly; he had allowed what was important to the individual members of his team to take a backseat to his own self absorbed concerns.

The boss' silence was unnerving; Tim had more to say; more that needed to be heard; so, he forged ahead.

"You chose me for your team. You showed faith and trust in me; you believed in me. You kept me safe; always had my back; no matter how hard you pushed; you still always let it be known you were there for us.. When we needed to be heard, you listened. When we needed to be reminded we weren't alone out there even when the bullets were flyin; you reminded us. And when Tony's crap got to be too much; you reined him in. And then you left us; left me.

Tim paused to catch his breath and his rapidly receding bravado. Exhaling deeply; he continued.

"You left me with my nemesis for a Team Leader. In the space of that one decision; you changed all of our lives forever. And, trust me, I am not over dramatizing anything. I mean exactly what I'm saying."

"I know it wasn't your fault. I'm not blaming you or pissed at you for leaving. That's not what this is about. I'm not even pissed at you for coming back. I'm pissed at you because when you did come back; it was to help Ziva; it was to help Fornell; you had never lost touch with Abby; and Tony; well, let's not waste time saying what we already know on that score'; Palmer's never gotten over being scared to death of you; so, he's a non-entity in this; you even reconciled with Ducky. That just left me: left me hanging out there, alone.

And you're saying it was because you thought I _needed _you too much?

You are _so _right! I _did _need you!

I needed you to help me feel safe again.

I needed you to help me feel like this team was back on solid ground; the kind of solidness that only your years of experience and knowledge; your gut instinct; brought us. Down deep inside where it gives me the security to go out there and risk my life everyday.

I needed to know that **now** someone would be there to make sure we **all **made it back home every night or be as safe as humanly possible tryin. And I needed to know that someone would **finally** see me for who I really am; and not just their 'Probie' " Tim's voice was breaking as he winded down; desperately wiping his hands across his freshly wet face. "I needed…"; Tim couldn't finish.

He didn't dare. He couldn't go there; not with Gibbs; not now; not ever. The night that continued to plague Tim wasn't Gibbs' fault; it didn't play a part in this discussion. Tim had to remind himself of that again and again; every single day.


	15. Is Hope For Real?

_A/N: I do not own NCIS or it's characters; I merely play with them for fun. _

_Hang on, the ride's fixin to get a little bumpy!_

_**********************************_

… _I needed to know that someone would __**finally**__ see me for who I really am; and not just their 'Probie' _

_I needed…"; _

******************

_You to be there to catch me before I fall __**again - **_The words he had _just barely_ managed to stop; reverberated thru Tim's head.

_THAT was a close call! Too close!_

Tim took a minute to pull himself together; closing his eyes in an attempt to deep breaths, he stomped down hard on the direction this conversation had been headed.

Gibbs was too stunned to even speak. This poor guy had held in so much more than Gibbs had even thought possible.

_And he's done it so quietly until now; he's been a time bomb! Hasn't anyone noticed? Well, yeah, Ducky has said he'd known it was coming; so did Abby and Ziva. So that left just me and Tony clueless. Figures; the ones pushing the wrong buttons for Tim were the only ones too blind to see what it was doing to him._

Watching him work hard to pull himself together; Gibbs knew that whatever it was that Tim had come close to let him in on just now; but obviously fighting himself over telling Gibbs; was really bad. He sent up a silent prayer that Tim would find it within himself to let whatever it was; out; and soon.

Tim knew that he'd thrown a hell of a lot of stuff at Gibbs in the last 24 hours; but he still had a few things he needed to get out; and by the time he was finished; his resignation would be a moot point; Hell, Gibbs would be throwin him out on his ass for sure! Well, maybe not. As long as Tim held firm and didn't get into anything that would touch off even a spark about that night; he'd be safe; his job would be safe. _Well, here goes nothing!_

"I have to say that knowing that what you were doing or not doing was because you thought I needed it goes a long way toward taking the sting out of the slap I took it all to be." Tim's quiet voice broke the stillness that had filled the air between them since his last outpouring of explanation, as he admitted another soul searching truth." But I will always know deep down; that I don't measure up; I'm not good enough. I never have been."

"What? Why?" Gibbs was obviously astonished at that assessment.

"How many times have I heard you and Tony tell each other _"I've got your six."_ Or _"It's not the same if I'm not the one out there watching your six."_? I'm not anywhere near clueless, I can take hints and I can damn sure take someone's lack of faith in me; especially when they keep shoving it in my face!"

Tim closed his eyes. He couldn't believe where he had just taken this discussion. While he was utterly relieved to have most of it out; he wasn't looking forward to now having to handle a pissed off boss. In fact, he was dreading it; but he knew he couldn't hide from what he'd started. He'd opened this door; he had to be man enough to walk through it. Slowly, he opened his eyes and looked toward Gibbs; only to find empty space! _Wait! Where the hell did he go?_

_Damn! Great going, McGee! Now you've really gone and done it. You pissed off the boss, man! What the hell's the matter with you? Now, he'll never want to talk to you again. Now he's in the kitchen and there ain't no way you wanna corner a pissed off Gibbs in the kitchen! Now you gotta stay out here where it's safe! Jeez, McGee, you are some kinda….._

"Hey!" Gibbs quiet call from the doorway snapped Tim's eyes open in shock.

"Get in here and eat some breakfast. You need to keep up your strength." Gibbs directed.

Tim mentally head slapped himself and silently got up from the couch and dragged himself and his coffee cup to the kitchen table; to find Gibbs had laid out pancakes and sausage, along with fresh coffee. Tim sat down in stunned silence.

As they ate; the silence began to eat away at Tim's belief that he'd been right in speaking exactly what had been on his mind. The feeling that he'd grossly overstepped the line began to work his nerves. As those nerves began to twitch; his breathing deepened and his hands clenched. His eyes closed in his attempt to ward off the looming fear he felt beginning to overwhelm him; as he just knew that he had serious trouble coming for getting carried away.

_*Smack*_

Tim's head almost bounced from the head slap he hadn't seen coming. Startled, his eyes popped open; and he found himself looking down at his plate; not ready to look up; not ready to see trouble.

"**Stop it!"** Gibbs had been silently watching his agent fight to hold off whatever was trying to come over him. "Whatever it is; just get it out."

As Tim raised his eyes to meet Gibbs' what _it_ was; was obvious. Tim McGee was petrified he had just gotten himself in over his head in hot water! All because his agent had done what he was told he could do; unburden himself onto Gibbs!

"Tim McGee, you know better! How many times do I have to say it before you'll believe it? Don't make me say it again! You hear me?" Gibbs was beyond annoyed at what this kid put himself through.

Tim's demeanor instantly calmed down and returned to normal; even though his eyes still showed lingering fear and doubt. "Thanks, Boss." He said in a whisper.

"Why do you put yourself through that? Why don't you just spit it out before it stresses you out like that?

"Too many years of having to watch what I say. Old habit." Tim explained.

"Well, don't let _me_ see it again. I don't want to even _hear_ of you putting yourself through any of this crap again! You got me? You need to get something off your chest; damn it, you do it! This much built up inside a person is damn unhealthy and not even safe for any of us out in the field! What would have happened if you'd lost your cool out there; or let any of this distract you? Gibbs asked.

"Wouldn't have happened, Boss!" Tim responded almost arrogantly.

"Really?" allowing his aggravation a little leeway; Gibbs let sarcasm seep into his tone.

"Boss, how many times have I gone ahead with the photos, or sketching; or bagging and tagging; or taking witness statements; something case related, out in the field; on my own initiative, instead of waiting for you to assign them? Trust me! I handled it."

Yeah, he'd handled it; and gotten Gibbs used to that way of running the investigations here lately; especially since it had proven to be more productive. Even when Tim hadn't been out in the field with them; they'd begun to do all their investigations that way. Still, he had concerns.

"If you had this much anger and mistrust built up; how did you manage to still not screw up; manage to watch our backs out there without ever having a problem doing it?

"I was never willing to be the only one to come home, Boss." Tim's answer was immediate and unnervingly quiet.

A long silence filled the room; until Gibbs broke it.

"Well. Okay, then."

Another long silence filled the room; until; once again, Gibbs broke it.

"Tim, it has never been about you not being good enough. It's just with the longer working relationship Tony and I have had; along with his background as a former street-cop; it's easier to feel prepared when you have that kind of experience out there with you. I know there's no way to take the sting out of all the times you've been left feeling like that's what we were saying. I am sorry about that. It was never my intention to diminish your faith in yourself; or let you think my faith in you was any less than my faith in Tony. I know you're capable of watching my back; I wouldn't take you out there; I wouldn't send you out there; if I didn't." Gibbs sat back and watched, waiting for a sign that Tim could live with that answer to his earlier question.

After a few minutes; Tim managed to smile; realizing that Gibbs' never said what he didn't mean and this answer was good enough. It certainly eased his negative feelings about himself enough to begin to make a difference. Gibbs smiled back at him. "I also know that Tony feels the same way; but I know you need to hear it from him."

The older man smiled at him again and then got up to clean up from their breakfast. Tim sat back; getting lost in his thoughts once again. Gibbs periodically checked on him; glancing over his shoulder at him now and again. As the time ticked by; Tim's expression grew more and more serious; straight on down into troubled.

"Care to share?" Gibbs finally asked him; wanting to stop him from thinking too much more on his own until they cleared the air.

"No. No, not this time, Boss." Tim quietly told him; regret in his tone. Going there with Gibbs was not an option. He just wished like hell, his mind would stop going back there. _He_ was tired of going back there; damn tired of it.

Gibbs could see that something big was still weighing Tim down. But, until the young man was able to talk to him about it; nothing could be done to help his agent work it out. Gibbs left it alone and moved on.

"Is that everything?"

"Boss?"

"Everything out in the open or do you have anything else you need to add or ask me?

"What? I haven't done enough damage yet?" Tim joked.

Gibbs sent him his "What am I gonna do with you" look. As he dried his hands on a towel; refreshed their coffees and directed their steps out to the back porch.

"No, Tim; you haven't done any damage; you've just given me a long overdue "sit rep", Gibbs finally answered Tim's question.

Tim just looked at him with fearful expectation.

"What?" Gibbs wanted to know.

"Oh, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop; knowin my luck; it'll land right on my big toe!" Tim half-joked.

"Maybe, if you answer my original question, there wouldn't be any shoes to _drop._" Gibbs answered back with a touch of sarcasm.

"Which one?" Tim suddenly got serious.

"I'm not following you."

"Original question: which one? Last night's or just now?"

"I'll settle for the one I just asked you." Gibbs answered.

"That's all I have that has to do with work." Tim stated; his tone letting it be known there was more; but he wouldn't be sharing. "Except…maybe…"

"What?"

"I can't; it's not entirely work related," Tim struggled to explain.

"Meaning?" Gibbs was loosing patience. They'd been doing so great' open discussions; brutal honesty; bold questions; and now this? Now, he's having trouble getting something off his chest? Wait, a minute. Hell, instead of Gibbs' impatience rising; it should have been a red flag! Gibbs took a quick minute to put the pieces together: Tim, Tony, himself; not entirely work related. He got it. Gibbs knew exactly where Tim's question was coming from and where it was headed.

"You need to know that you can be sure you're just as protected and looked out for as Tony." Gibbs statement of fact caught Tim off guard.

"Actually, I thought we'd covered that one already." The tone of Tim's answer was painted with the hurt this point set up in him.

"No. You covered the fact that I've mishandled this lately. There's a big difference." Gibbs admitted.

Tim silently looked into Gibbs' eyes for a long, tense minute; trying to see the depth behind the conviction he saw there. He knew that Gibbs had gotten the wake-up call he'd been given; that he'd desperately needed. What he didn't know is if it had been enough to make a difference. Gibbs meant what he said; of that Tim had no doubt. But did Gibbs recall that Tim had been delegated to "third-wheel" so much lately; no one was used to him being out in the field anymore?

Gibbs could see Tim was searching hard for something. Instead of looking away or even getting upset at his continued hard stare; Gibbs simply searched the young man's eyes in return; hoping to find a glimmer of light that would signify that this was headed back in the right direction. He silently reminded himself that if Tim were to agree to come back; the young man would need Gibbs; as the strong Boss he had depended on before; to reassure him that everything would be all right; that Tim would be safe from harm; to the best of Gibbs' ability; that he would be secure; important to the team; that Gibbs would protect and defend him when he was scared or vulnerable; in trouble or hurt. He would need to know that Gibbs would help him regain his footing when he'd lost it. In short, Tim would need to know that the painful misconceptions and misunderstandings; as well as; the bullying and harassment; the insecurity and unsafe feeling; he'd been carrying around for so long; would not happen again.

Gibbs took a minute to relish the small victory he felt with the knowledge that Tim had not once today; mentioned _not_ staying on the team.

Tim was embarrassed to be staring at Gibbs; like he expected the "be all" and "end all" of answers to just jump out of the man's eyeballs or something. What he had seen there; was actually rekindling his hope; and that was too much for Tim to handle. He couldn't deal with the painful let down that would certainly be coming up around the next turn. The young man looked away from those eyes; unable to hold on; with any certainty; to the promise he'd seen there, that everything would be all right; everything would work out right.

Suddenly, the idea that this could possibly work out scared him almost senseless. Just because Gibbs would work at making things right; didn't mean Tony would. This wasn't going to work without Tony's cooperation. And there was too much between him and Tony for that to be a possibility. On top of that, Tony was a hard nut to crack; he'd been damn near impossible since that fateful night. Tim couldn't even talk to him anymore. This had just turned hopeless and he'd better not even think of getting his hopes up; he' been let down enough; hurt enough; there was no reason to add more on to himself.

Watching Tim let his emotions run amuck and dictate his motions again; Gibbs frowned. Where momentarily there had been a flicker of hope in his eyes; something had doused it. That reminded him of the hurt he'd seen there when he drove them away from here last night; in search of somewhere to eat their dinner and talk. It made a little more sense now. The fact that Tim had started calling him by "Gibbs" was now easy to figure out, too. It was clear that when Tim felt the need to distance himself; whether it was because he was leaving; or he no longer felt the connection; he made it easier on himself by not calling Gibbs, "Boss.". Those two formally unanswered questions were no longer important.

What was important was getting the fire of hope re-lit in this young man. Gibbs took a deep breath and struck the first match.

"You're a damn good Special Agent, Tim and I'm sorry you felt you couldn't come to me with any of this sooner. I've always said my job is to teach you guys how to become your own persons; stand on your own two feet; be your own agents. But, what you've said; has made a lot of sense, too. We've not let you become all that you could have; and by we; I mean myself and Tony. It's obvious, we've road-blocked your way and kinda left you to pick your own self back up when you fell over them; repeatedly. And for that, I am sorry.

You are one of the best Agents I've ever known. Your knowledge and experience; your intelligence and your drive; even your perfectionism; has helped you become a damn good Field Agent. You know your limits and your limitations and you're not afraid to make them known or object when someone else won't respect them. And you've worked hard to overcome the ones you could improve or change. Your problem is those of us who haven't respected your limitations or your complaints to that affect; those of us who, instead; have tried to push you beyond them instead.

Doing the best to keep each other safe means looking out for each other's weakness and picking up each other's slack so that the net around the team is tight and whole. I dropped the ball on this one and I apologise." Gibbs' second match had been lit and thrown into the mix. Now all he could do was wait. He knew that Tim would bitterly regret going thru with his resignation. What's more; Tim would hate the ones who left him feeling that it was his only choice. But, also important; NCIS would loose a damn fine agent. But, at this point, Gibbs had done everything he could to see the young man stay.

"Boss, you know I don't _want_ to walk away. This is what I've always wanted to be doing. I've never made any secret of that. You gave me; this chance; my dream job; and I've never forgotten that. Not once; before all this; did I ever stop trying to be grateful for it; tried my hardest not to disappoint you or let you down. But, when everything got to be too much; I just couldn't carry it all anymore and I dropped the ball, too. For a while there, I quit trying to not disappoint you or let you down. I quit being grateful and I'm sorry. Tim's quiet words were chock full of remorse and shame; his eyes downcast.

'Tim, look at me." Gibbs requested.

Tim did as he'd been asked; waiting anxiously.

"You told Abby that you want us to start treating you like you matter; day to day; face to face; and not only when you're this upset or hurt; right? And she told you the truth. It is not too much to ask of us. So, why is it; you're asking too much of yourself?

Tim's confused expression said it all.

"Tim, there is no way you can live your life like that! Always trying to not fail someone else or not let them down; only leads to failing yourself; letting yourself down. While I appreciate your good intentions and never, for one minute doubted that you appreciated this job; I also want you to let go of those intentions. Yes, I saw potential in you. Yes, I did what ever I needed to do to get you assigned to my team. End of story! The credits have already rolled. You keep trying to roll them again and again. Enough. You need to stop the movie reel; turn the machine off; and go out and play!" Gibbs told him with a smile at his own attempt to lighten the mood.

Tim chuckled and actually broke out into a smile. Gibbs raised his coffee cup in his silent message of needing a refill. Tim followed him back into the house; needing to stretch his legs and get a refill of his own. The silence between them this time was much lighter and filled with hope for the first time since this whole thing started.

The progress they'd made was a relief. Gibbs was confident that Tim was just a hair away from admitting he was ready to tear up his resignation. He knew that Tim still needed to clear the air with Tony before it could happen. Gibbs knew it could be done; he wasn't worried.

Obviously, Tim didn't share Gibbs' confidence on the subject; as once again; the light went out of the young man's eyes.

"Boss, this won't work." Tim seriously told him as they settled back outside once again with their fresh coffee.

"I'm listening"

"I'm never gonna be able to talk to Tony like this." Tim's voice carried the fear he felt at the thought of even talking to Tony. "And we both know, Boss; that unless things get worked out between he and I; there's not a snowball's chance in hell; I'll be able to stay on the same team with him; be able to tear up my resignation. So, why are we even going thru this? Why am I letting my hopes get built up?"

"Okay. Stop. Before you go any further with this; let me ask you something."

Tim looked at him suspiciously; "You're gonna drop that shoe on my foot now, aren't ya?"

"No, Tim, I'm not!" Gibbs exclaimed thru his laughter.

"Okay, what's the question?"

"Are we straight? Is everything out in the open that you need to tell me or ask me or even be pissed at me about?" Gibbs' piercing eyes watched Tim's expressive ones; for the truth he knew he'd see there. "There's something else, isn't there?"

"It's not important, here."

If it's important enough to still be bothering you, to keep even a piece of yourself upset; it's important enough to be heard.

"_Boss_!** Please! **_Let it go_!**"**

Gibbs just pierced him with another "you know better" glare.

"_For now? Please?"_

"Okay, as long as you promise you'll talk to me about it **before** it blows up?"

"I promise. I will talk to you about it before it blows up." Tim quickly agreed; anxious to get away from that subject before the small piece of him that wanted; needed to talk to Gibbs about it, won out. The rest of him never wanted Gibbs to know. And as vulnerable as he felt at the moment; he wasn't' sure the smaller piece of himself wouldn't win the fight.

"Okay, then - you and I - we're good?" I mean; I know that most of your questions didn't get an individual answer; but you know that I regret all of this that you've gone through and I'm going to make changes to the team's m.o so this never happens again, right? Gibbs could only hope for the only answer he wanted to hear.

"Boss, I can't promise you anything; but you and I; yeah, we're good; although I may need to re-visit some of my question with you, at a later date. But as long as you're okay with that; we're good. Although…"

"What?"

"Boss, I really do need to know..."

"Just spit it out, Tim!"

"Did it bother you at all when I got hurt out there? When you let the whole team know you were royally pissed at me because it was my own fault I had gotten hurt? Or when you reacted like it was all my fault that Tony got hurt out there?

Gibbs looked at him for a long tense moment as regret came to the surface; both in his eyes and his voice; as he answered the question as honestly as it had been asked.

"Yeah,Tim. I hated what I was doing. It was never that you didn't matter. Ever! It was just my blindness to how cruel my attempts to stand you up on your own two feet were. And the blaming you for Tony getting hurt; well that was my asinine way of trying to push you to stand up to me; stand up for yourself. Obviously, my way of doing a lot of things, backfired and were extremely hurtful and for that I will always be sorry."

"Jeez, Boss!" Tim let out a frustrated sigh.

"I know, Tim. I know. Now."

Tim felt the weight lift off his shoulders; most of it, anyway. He was almost done. All he had to do now was square things with Tony and he'd be free; free to come back to the job he hadn't wanted to leave in the first place.

"So, how the heck do I have a snowball's chance in hell of having a discussion with Tony that's anywhere near this productive?" Tim's question brought hope back to light with such blinding brightness; Gibbs could only smile.

"Easy, Tim; You let me get the ball rolling. I'll take care of DiNozzo."

"Can I get you to…?"

"Tim!"

"Can I get you to be there, without being there?

"Yeah. Yeah, that actually sounds like a good idea.

"Let's go call Tony!"


	16. He Deserves to Know

_A/N: I do not own NCIS or it's characters; I merely play with them for fun. _

_Hang on, the ride's fixin to get even bumpier!_

*******************************

Eight A.M found Tony, Ziva and Abby; breakfast and laptop in hand; at Ducky's door. Ducky was happy to see them; and even happier to see the breakfast sandwiches and coffees.

"Good morning, Abby! Ziva! Anthony!"

"Good Morning, Ducky!" the three of them chorused together.

"What brings you to my humble home so early on our unexpected day off? It must have something to do with Timothy?

"Yeah, Ducky, we've got something we need you to see." Tony admitted

"And then we need your advice" Ziva added

"Plus, we brought you breakfast! " Abby chimed in.

"Well, let's eat first than we shall see what you've brought, all right?"

After they'd eaten, while Ziva helped Ducky clear away the breakfast mess, Tony and Abby set up the laptop so Ducky could see the video.

"We're ready for you Duckman!" Abby called.

"All, right; let's see what we have here!" Ducky came into the room; fully prepared to see a photograph or a document. When he saw the video and recognized Gibbs' dinning room; he immediately turned away in anger.

"Turn it off! I will not be a party to this.

"But, Ducky!" Abby whined.

"No, Abigail! I cannot allow you to show me something that undoubtedly Timothy is unaware has been done! Am I correct in suggesting this was done without his knowledge?"

"Yes, Ducky, you are correct." Ziva quietly admitted.

"Take it away! I do not wish to see it!" Ducky fumed.

As Abby opened her mouth again to argue her point; both Ziva and Tony silenced her. Ziva, with a shake of her head; and Tony with a verbal, "No, Abby."

"Ducky, I'm sorry. We meant no offense. We just wanted you to see what we need help fixing. We need your advice because we think that only Gibbs can fix this; but we want to help." Tony said.

"Anthony, your apology is accepted; although I can only pray that you seek Timothy's forgiveness much more earnestly. You cannot ignore your own responsibility in this. Jethro cannot and should not fix this alone; as he did not create this problem alone. You had much to do with this, as well, young man. It is irresponsible of you to believe that Jethro can fix what he, himself did not break!"

Abby and Ziva retreated to the kitchen for more coffee and breakfast; leaving the men to talk. Tony couldn't mask his confusion.

"Anthony, come sit down. Consider if you will, all the times you tormented that young man beyond the boundaries of initiation for a Probie. Certainly, you must recall the superglue; the ferocious dog cd; the endless cruel laughter at his bouts with poison ivy; possibility of rabies; oh, and let's not forget the tazor; hmm?"

Tony put his head back against the couch and closed his eyes. Letting out a huge sigh; he answered. "Yeah, Ducky, I know. You're right. I always take things too far with him but, he makes himself such an easy target!"

"Anthony, do you not recall Timothy revealing how he'd been horribly bullied and tormented in school? Did not any of what you were doing to him equate itself in your eyes; to what he'd described from that most painful time in his life?"

"Ducky, if I tell you something, you can keep it just between you and me, right?" Tony asked.

"Certainly, let's go outside and you can tell me whatever it is you need to tell me."

"Ziva, Abby! Ducky and I are gonna go stretch our legs while we talk. We'll be back." Tony hollered.

Once outside, Tony tried to explain to Ducky what had really been going on. When he'd finished, Ducky could only marvel at the young man and offer him a sage piece of advice.

"Anthony; I fear the time has come for you to get Timothy to see that he needs to talk to Jethro about this; it doesn't belong on your shoulders any longer." Ducky advised; with a newfound respect for this young man in front of him.

"Thanks, Ducky."

Both men headed back inside.

"I trust, my dear boy that you have figured out that you need to cease treating Timothy like a Fraternity Fledgling? You have gotten that point, based on his reactions?

"Yeah, Ducky, like someone hit me over the head with the it. Does that make me Larry or Moe; cause I definitely can't be Curly!

"Tony, you're Larry!" Abby laughed as she and Ziva came into the room bearing coffee refills for everyone.

"We are talking about the three stooges, yes?" Ziva asked.

"Yeah, Ziva; that little example you gave me back when you first got here would fit right in, right about now!" Tony said sarcastically with a smile.

"Oh, do tell, my dear!" Ducky encouraged.

"Really?" Ziva hesitated.

"Yeah, Ziva, let's see it!" Abby enthusiastically encouraged.

As Ziva gave her rendition of the Three Stooges; the others rolled with laughter; then took turns adding their own; thereby keeping the hilarity going until they'd gotten the need to break up the seriousness with a little humor; out of their systems

Tony looked at his watch; Wow, they'd killed 2 hours! Tony jumped as his phone rang. Looking at the caller id; _Gibbs_; Tony tossed his phone to Ducky; unprepared to talk to his boss yet.

Ducky smiled as he answered the call; putting it on speakerphone for them all to be able to greet their boss.

"Good morning, Jethro!"

"Ducky? Why do you have Tony's phone? Did something happen to Tony? Ziva? Abby?

"No, no, Jethro, they are all fine. They are here joining me for breakfast.

"Good Morning Gibbs!" Abby and Ziva called out.

"Morning, Boss!" Tony added, needing to say something.

"Morning!" Gibbs gave back. "Ducky? A word?"

"Certainly, Jethro!" Ducky took the phone off speaker and walked into his den; shutting the door behind him.

"What is it you needed to talk to me about? Is Timothy all right?"

"Yeah, Duck, he's okay." Gibbs had taken his call to his backyard; as Tim was in the shower and didn't need to hear Gibbs' question, yet.

"Duck, they show you the video? That why they went to you?"

"They attempted to, Jethro, but I was unwilling to watch. Does the existence of such a thing mean you...?"

"Knew about it after the fact, Ducky! I sure as hell didn't sanction it!"

"No, Jethro, I didn't think you had. You say the young man is okay; did either of you sleep or did you spend all night hashing things out?"

"He's okay, Duck; it's been a long 24-hours. He slept, I cat-napped; and we've made a lot of progress. There's been a hell of a lot more on his mind than I'd ever thought possible.

"He'll be all right, now, Jethro. And however cruelly this came about; unintentional or not; this has been a good wake up call for your team; and good for all of you as well; especially young Timothy. He's had all of it simmering for so long; trying so hard to keep it all bottled up; it was bound to explode. We should all be thankful it has come to this; without any worse consequences." Ducky reasoned.

"Yeah, Duck; I know. That's why I kept pushin' this. As soon as I saw his leave request; I knew this had to be taken care of. I refuse to let these kids go thru life the same way I have!"

"Understandable, Jethro; and quite admirable; I might add."

"Thanks, Ducky; send DiNozzo packin, will ya? We need him over here; it's his turn in the hot seat. And tell him to bring that damn video with him!"

"Certainly, Jethro, keep up the good work!"

"Thanks, Duck!"

********************

Tony was apprehensive. As he drove to Gibbs' house; he wrestled with his conscience over what he'd shared with Ducky as that conversation replayed itself in his head. And he struggled over what to say to Probie; knowing Ducky was right. It was the longest 20 minute drive to Gibbs' house, he'd ever driven.

Tim was apprehensive. As he took his shower and then proceeded to get dressed; he basked in the peaceful feeling that being able to talk to Gibbs without qualms brought about. He'd been able to shed so much crap that had weighed him down for so long; he felt like he'd lost 20 pounds in the last 24 hours! But, he also wrestled with his conscience over the things he hadn't yet shared with Gibbs; including the one he had no intention of ever sharing with Gibbs. He also worked up some serious stress at the thought of having to talk to Tony. It was the longest 20 minutes of his life.

Gibbs brewed fresh coffee and set out the donuts that Tim had brought the night before. Then he sat back and waited. He wasn't worried; no, they'd made too much progress for that. He was hopeful, not completely positive; but certainly hopeful; that this would all be worked out between his boys; his surrogate sons. They were both damn fine agents; decent men to the core; dedicated; protective; devoted; and too damn important to the team for either one of them to walk away. Gibbs wished he could fast forward this reel; and see the ending. Shaking his head at his own silly thought; he was just as bad as Tim, stuck on rolling the credits! Gibbs looked at his watch; 30 minutes; Tony should have been here by now! He whipped out his cell and punched the speed dial #.

"Boss?"

"Get your ass in here, DiNozzo! Playing chicken out in the driveway won't help you or Tim get this over with." Gibbs snapped his phone shut and took the food and snacks out to the living room. Seeing Tim silently staring out the French Doors; his eyes chock full of worry; had Gibbs feeling the need to settle the guy's nerves.

"Hey, here's coffee and donuts. You okay?"

"I will be, as long as you're here to mediate."

"I promise, I'm not going anywhere. You've come too far not to see this all the way thru to the end; whatever you decide that end is." Gibbs reassured him with a smile. "You ready? Tony'll be here in a second."

Immediately, panic flew across Tim's face and filled his eyes.

"Hey, what did I just tell you? You'll be fine." Gibbs put a calming hand on Tim's shoulder as he looked him in the eye; waiting for the young man to settle his obviously frayed nerves. _Good God, talking to Tony is a scary ordeal to this kid! What the hell happened between them while I was gone?_

Hey Boss! Probie!" Tony enthusiastically greeted them.

Gibbs said hello to Tony with a smile; while Tim's somber expression and quiet greeting was actually kinda nerve-wracking. _The kid looks like someone had just smacked his dog!_ Tony thought.

Tony sat down on the couch, watching Tim slowly loosen up under Gibbs' quiet reassurances. Watching Probie up close like this now, it was easy to see how stressed out, genuinely scared the kid was to talk to him.

_Jeez, maybe Ducky had a point. Maybe I should have talked to him about it since then; before now. And, yeah, I guess I did take things too far with him; probably did come off as a bully; disguised as someone trying to help him stay strong_.

Once everyone was settled into their seats, Gibbs started the ball rolling. "Tony, I'm here as mediator at Tim's request. We all know that there's things you two need to work out. Any serious signs of aggression and I'll be kickin some agent ass; other than that; take breaks when you need to cool off; but let's get the air cleared between you two, all right? Any questions?

"Nah, Boss, we're good." Tony's nonchalance didn't fool Gibbs; but this had to be done and Tony would just have to accept it. So, Gibbs just nodded at him and turned to Tim.

"Tim, go ahead; tell Tony what you want him to hear."

Tim reached into his shirt pocket and took something out; standing up; and stepping over to Tony and holding out his hand; Tony nervously reached out his hand to accept whatever it was Tim was handing him.

Gibbs stepped up to where he could see what was going on and had to steady his nerves as Tim dropped the mini-cams into Tony's outstretched hand. "Recognise these, Tony?" was all Tim allowed himself to say.

He'd been so pissed when he'd seen them on Gibbs' picture frames. He knew Gibbs hadn't done it. Gibbs wouldn't do something like that. He knew it had to be Tony and Abby. Tim didn't care what their reasons were; he was tired of their little games at his expense. He'd deliberately left Gibbs out of this problem; simply because he'd known, without a shadow of a doubt; that none of it had been his doing. Tim impatiently waited to hear how Tony was gonna wriggle out of this confrontation.

Tony was speechless and Gibbs was now concerned. How long had Tim known about them? Did he blame Gibbs for them? Did he think Gibbs was in on it or deliberately trying to hide them from him to save himself? God, he hoped not!

"I'm gonna take that as a 'yes'; Tim said as he scooped the mini-cams back up and tossed them onto the coffee table. He flashed Gibbs a genuine smile; letting him know they were cool. Gibbs breathed a sigh of relief.

"Probie, I…"

"Don't! Tony, just don't! Don't make excuses; don't tell me someone else put you up to it; and don't call me that any more!"

Tony's eyes flew to Gibbs' for direction. All he got for an answer was the silent gesture for him to pay attention to Tim. _Well, this is gonna suck!_ Tony thought_. Non-interfering mediation; what a drag!_

"Okay, McGee," Tony agreed.

"Tony!"

"Yeah, McGee?"

"My name is Tim."

"I know that, McGee!"

"No! Tony! My name is Tim!"

"McGee!"

"DiNozzo?"

"McGee!"

"DiNozzo?"

"Hey! Are we done here?"

"Hey! I don't know, do you get the point, yet?"

Gibbs had all he could do not to double over with laughter. The best he could do was to tone his mirth down to a brilliant smile that he somehow managed to hide behind his raised coffee mug. _Oh, this is priceless! Now, this should have been video-taped!_

"Yeah, TIM; I get the point!"

"Okay, TONY; thank you!"

"Tim?"

"Tony?"

"Can I just say something here?"

"I'm listening."

"Look, I know I've been rough on you for a while now; but I feel like I'm kinda like your older brother; you know since you came to this team and Kate and I…well, you know. Anyway., sometimes big brothers overstep; okay; in my case; a lot of times, a big brother oversteps; makes stupid mistakes; gets carried away. And although, he doesn't say it very often; he feels it every time; always sorry for it. "I think I failed 'Big Brother: 101' But I took that 4 month make up class that kept me really busy; you know; teaching me how to not let little brother stumble too much on his two feet; not letting him to fall too far; making sure he can always get back up. You know what I mean?" Tony's voice had lost it's causal tone and had gotten hard as granite.

Gibbs, watching silently; frowned as Tony's apology started coming out; too little, at too high a price; until Tony started talking about those four months; and his tone changed along with that topic. Something about those damn four months was churning Gibbs' gut more and more as the day went on.

"Tony; while I appreciate your apology and respect the integrity in which it was given; and I do appreciate it; _all_ of it; it doesn't solve the problem between us." Tim reasoned.

"You lost me, Pro...Tim" Tony stammered.

"Tony, from where I'm standing; on the team; I'm not good enough." Tim slid a glance over to Gibbs for support as his nerve wavered; and when he was given an encouraging gesture to go on with what he had to say; feeling bolstered; he did; throwing more fuel on the fire Gibbs had started earlier.

"When does the Probie status come off my back, Tony? Not just the name." Tim threw a smile at Gibbs in remembrance of their private conversation about this. "The initiation crap; the incessant taunting and teasing; inappropriate jokes; I don't need it anymore!" Tim's voice was saying one thing and his eyes were sending an even more steely message to Tony; _Stop pushing this; stop testing me. _

"Yeah, Tim. I know. I'm sorry, man. I know an apology won't fix it or take it back; but I really am sorry.. I guess I just got carried away with what I was getting away with." _No,"_

"So, what you're saying is it's my fault for not calling you out on the crap you've been handing out?" _I mean it_

"Well, yeah; yours and Gibbs' and I guess a little of mine, too." _No!_

"Tony! Are you hearing yourself? Are you really trying to tell me that you don't hold yourself responsible for anything you said or did?" _I mean it!_

"No! Tim, that's not what I'm saying! Look, yeah, I act like the king of the frat brothers; I get that; but you don't do squat about it; and neither does Gibbs!" _NO!_

"So, what you're saying is that your ears don't work?"

_Good one, Tim_. Gibbs smiled with pride. Tim was going for the gusto; and learning how to give "what for" in silent communication by the looks of things going on between these two! _Jeez; there's something serious going on here! This could get messy! But, then again, that's why I'm here._

"Huh?" Tony was lost.

"How many times did I say something about the crap you were pulling; only to be ignored by you; or teased and tormented worse? You listen to what you chose to listen to. You tune out the rest. All you've ever done is make me feel worthless and hate myself!" Tim let a piece of his long over-due rage at Tony, out.

"**REALLY?"** The cold steel in Tony's voice was absolutely chilling. The hardness of his eyes as they pierced Tim's made it obvious he was well and truly pissed right now.

Gibbs waited anxiously; hoping Tim would see the wrong in what he'd just threw at Tony.

"No, Tony! No, that's not _all_ you've ever done. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

"Okay." That one word spoke of Tony's willingness to tone down his anger and actually listen to what needed to be said.

Gibbs smiled with pride and relief.

"I love my job, Tony; but when the person who's supposed to be training you paints a target on your back; instead of protecting it and doesn't know when to quit aiming for it; or take it off; it's time to go. I stayed because I felt I had a lot to learn from Gibbs and from you. But, if this is all you have left to teach me, it's time for me to go. I don't need any more toughening up lessons from you."

"So, if you're leaving; why the hell are we even having this conversation?" Tony's sarcasm bit as well as he'd planned.

Tim was pissed. He sent Gibbs an "I told you this wouldn't work" look; which, in turn; fueled Gibbs' already rising fury.

_Oh, crap; too far; too much reaction. Oh, crap!_ Tony was in it deep now.

"**Tony!"**

"Boss?"

"You want him to leave; is that it?"

"What I want…"

"**NO! Tony, Answer the damn question!"**

"Do I want him to go? No, I don't. But, I don't wanna sit here for hours; pickin apart everything he happens to be pissed at me about; either!"

Tim practically popped up out of his chair; looked at Gibbs apologetically; and took himself and his sizzling anger outside; to Gibbs' backyard.

"DiNozzo! What the hell is wrong with you? I thought you said you wanted to fix this?"

"Yeah, Boss, I do." Tony sighed. "But, since when is it all in my lap?"

"Come-on; DiNozzo; you know damn well, why! You treat him like he's a Fraternity fledgling for cryin out loud!"

"**You let me!"**

"Come again?"

"Oh, come on, Boss; you know damn well, you let me get by with it; so I kept it going.!"

"Yeah, Tony; and for my part in this whole painful situation; I have to live with my mistakes and the hurt they caused. I have to make the changes; re-earn his trust; his confidence that he's safe on this team; that I won't let anything happen to him; or act like he's not important anymore. What about you?"

"Oh." Tony blinked in surprise. "Well, yeah, Boss; I already knew the time for putting him thru anymore of that was gone. I know it's time to stop with all that."

"Tony."

"Yeah, Boss?"

"You cant' change it in his head; until you admit it to his face."

"Yeah, Boss; I know. But what about…"

"What about what, DiNozzo?"

"What about your butt being called to the mat over this; his resignation? Aren't you pissed about that?" Tony asked; frustrated for him.

"No! Tony, I told you last night; I'm not pissed about it and I'm certainly not upset with Tim about it. Whether or not my butt's in the hot seat over his resignation doesn't have anything to do with the fact that we needed to clear the air between all of us a long time ago. And there is absolutely no reason for you to be pissed about it either!"

"DiNozzo?" Tony wasn't looking at Gibbs. He was looking behind him; and he had that damn "deer caught in the headlights" look on his face. Gibbs' gut churned as he turned around to see what had Tony acting so strange. His heart dropped.

There; leaning up against the French Doors; stood a very upset Tim McGee. His stricken face, frozen in guilty horror at what he'd apparently just heard.

_Oh, No!_ Gibbs stepped over toward Tim; as Tim turned and bolted for the open space of Gibbs' backyard.

"You didn't tell him?" Tony's horrified whisper barely registered in Gibbs extremely angry brain wave overload currently going on.

"**NO!** Why would I have, DiNozzo? Didn't I tell you it wasn't his fault? Didn't I tell you it wasn't his problem?"

"Boss! I didn't realize he'd come back inside! I didn't see him there until it was too late!"

"DiNozzo! If you had heard what I said last night; you wouldn't have been pissed enough about it now to have brought it back up; in the first place!" Gibbs looked hard at Tony for a long, silent minute; then he turned around and went in pursuit of Tim.

**************************

Tim was horrified! What had he done? Here he'd been struggling; holding everything inside; trying desperately not to say anything to anybody so he wouldn't get any body in trouble; and it was all for naught! God, life had a cruel sense of humor! Somehow; Tim didn't find the humor in this joke; life seemed to be playing on him. And the worst part was; there was no way anyone would win! Everyone would lose in the end, any way! It was a very twisted joke, indeed.

His panic was rising; the high tide of overwhelming emotion was sweeping through him with a vengeance; faltering his steps; clouding his vision; taking his breath. As he dropped to his knees; dropping his head into his hands; Tim felt more out of control than any panic attack he'd had in a long time. Gibbs and Tony were in the house; he was alone and he couldn't breathe.

A firm, guiding hand on his shoulder; a calm comforting; encouraging voice in his ear; a paper bag for him to breathe in; strong hands guiding him to sit down up off his knees; comforting hands on his shoulders letting him know he wasn't alone; and many, many deep breaths later; had Tim realizing he hadn't been alone but for a second thru it all. Gibbs and Tony had been right there; helping him thru every second of that panic attack. And for that, Tim would be eternally grateful.

That panic had taken a lot out of him; his face was still pale; his hands were still clenched; his body posture was still stiff; and his eyes were filled with emotional conflict. He was quiet; too quiet.

Sitting down on the porch steps next to Tim; having helped him get his normal breathing back; Gibbs could see the young man was still very upset. "Talk to me." He quietly instructed him; not leaving him room for argument.

"It's not gonna end well for any of us." Tim's whispered voice was full of the anxiety he still felt.

"I don't understand where you're getting this."

"All of this, Boss. All of it. All the month I kept all this bottled up; didn't tell you or anybody so I wouldn't accidentally "out" you guys; all the tears; it's all been for nothing!"

"I don't follow where you get this from. You've worked thru almost everything you needed to with me; you said so yourself. You were well on your way to working things out with Tony; and you said that was the only thing stopping you from tearing up your resignation, right?"

"I have to meet with Director Shepard, remember?"

"Well, yeah, I have to be there, too."

"And when she asks why I let all this build up? Why I didn't talk to you or Tony much sooner?"

"Ok; I see where you're going with this. This is how we deal with this; you're gonna stop worrying about it. Got it? We will figure something out. Right now; you and Tony have some talking to finish getting through; so; let's go."

"Boss?"

"Yeah, Tim?"

"Why didn't you _tell_ me?" Tim's soft voice was once again guilt-ridden.

"Because, Tim; it's not your fault! And because it's not your fault; we're not going to discuss it any further; got it?" Gibbs quietly but firmly ordered.

"Okay." Tim's agreement didn't reach his eyes; until; that is; Gibbs silently and steadily stared him through the turmoil he felt over it; on through to seeing it the way Gibbs saw it.

Once it was obvious that Tim could live with that decision; Gibbs smiled at him and directed them all back to the living room and their chairs. Gibbs was anxious to get these two; his boys; the closest things to the sons he'd always wanted; that he could now hold onto the hopes of having. He knew that underneath all the superficial carrying on; and the layers of hurt that had been the result; the bonds of friendship and kinship were just waiting to be welded together for these two.

Despite their polar-opposite personalities and their other differences; Tim had filled a place in Tony's life; that he'd never even realized he'd needed filled; a little brother. Subconsciously, Tony always needed someone looking up to him; keeping him focused; out of trouble; giving him a reason to set a good example and stay out of trouble. Yeah, given time; these two would come out on top; of that, Gibbs was certain.

"Tony." Tim began the conversation. "The bottom line here is; all that crap; everything I said to you and to Gibbs; I didn't just say all of it to be a whiney baby. I said it because it all needs to change or I can't stay here. At the same time; my leaving would cause too many problems; not because I'm irreplaceable; but because training someone new is disruptive and costly. Tim explained; wanting to be done with this conversation.

"I wished I could be normal for you, Tony; no geekiness; no phobias; no weak stomach; no allergies; to be able to know what's like not to have panic attacks; fear always in the pit of your stomach; and at the back of your mind that you'll never be good enough; no matter how hard you try." Tim finished quietly.

Tony was too shocked to speak; Gibbs; too angry to stay silent.

"**Hey**! **Don't think like that!** You are irreplaceable, Tim! You are too damn smart and brave and dedicated and kind-hearted to have anyone ever take your place!" The parental lion in Gibbs roared.

All Tony could do; was meekly agree. "Yeah, I gotta agree with the boss on this one, Tim."

Tim reeled from Gibbs' reaction to what he'd said to Tony_. Where the hell had that come from? _He asked himself. Outwardly, he offered a small smile of appreciation for Gibbs' parental outrage and for Tony's agreement with it.

Tony seemed to recover first; realizing that the time for Toughening up Probie; despite the recent events; had come and gone. He'd been through way more than enough; much of it before they'd even met him. Based on what he'd shared with them; he'd grown up a child prodigy of the geekish kind; schooled among the older, bigger kids; enough of them bullies; as they were all aware of now; to have made Tim's life miserable. He'd survived and had to recover from a near-fatal car wreck; and had learned to accept and live with; and even carry like a chained wallet; accountability; self-appointed guilt and blame; as well as an intolerance in himself for making mistakes. Tim McGee was well rounded in toughness; those four painful months aside; and it was high time he was treated with the respect he'd earned.

"Yeah, Tim. You've been through a lot; before you came to the team; and since you've been here. We've lost so many agents; had so many close calls; had to get by without Gibbs for four months; hell those four months alone would've knocked me on my ass; if I had to go thru what you…"

"**DON"T!"** Tim's angered demand whipped around the room and bounced off the walls. **"Just Don't! **" He silently slid his eyes toward Gibbs; not wanting to look him in the eye; before he turned and stiffly walked back outside and kept going to the outskirts of the yard.

Tony blew out a frustrated sigh. Yeah, ok. Wow! Guess he should have known that was coming. The trouble was; he hadn't known; because he'd broken the rule about assuming things. Apparently, he'd broken in it a huge way. He just wished he knew what to do about it. He'd damn near blown Tim out of the water; thinking the guy had already discussed it with the boss man. _Wow, what a mess!_

"Tony?" Gibbs was downright stomach churning worried about this now.

This thing about the four months he'd been gone was obviously something so big; neither one of his agents had gotten over it. Obviously it was a much bigger ordeal than Tim had led on; and Tim had let on about a whole hell of a lot of stuff here lately. The fact that Tim hadn't wanted to look him in the eye just now; was the most worrisome part for Gibbs. The blazing fury that he'd seen in those eyes; didn't help his gut feeling here, either. Apparently, Tim didn't want Gibbs in on whatever this was and he had to respect that. After all, Tim had promised him there would be no more unspoken problems between them.

"Tony, whatever this is? Go, talk to him; alone. Let him get it out. I'll be here if either of you need me. Just remember; this is a wipe clean; not a tear down!" Gibbs looked at Tony piercingly for a moment; then he gathered up the coffee cups and retreated to the kitchen.

Tony went out back; shutting the French Doors behind him. Finding Tim at the back of the yard; in one of Gibbs' lawn chairs; Tony joined him there; plopping down in the grass in front of the younger man.

"Hey, man; I'm sorry! I just assumed you had told him everything about everything; I mean that's what last night was for, right?"

"Tony, why would I have done that? What reason would I have to tell him about the 4 months he wasn't here? He had nothing to do with it."

"He left us!"

"He didn't do it!"

"He set the stage for it!"

"He still didn't do it!"

"When are you gonna admit it?"

"What?"

"That if he hadn't left us; you never would have fallen apart; lost your focus; fallen prey to something like that!"

"Tony!"

"Well?"

"I'm not!"

"Don't you wanna be able to put this behind you?"

"I am!"

"You're not!"

"He didn't do it!"

"Damn it, Tim; the choice that he made played a pretty damn big part in what happened and you damn well know it!"

"He wasn't' even there! He didn't do it!"

"No! You're right he didn't! You did; but damn it; he set the stage for it and you need to admit that or you'll never get over it!"

"You directed the scenes leading up to it, Tony!"

"Yeah. Yeah, Tim, I did; I finally realized that this morning when I got to thinking about it. And for that, I will always be sorry."

"Wait, What?"

"Ducky made me realize I pushed you to jump without looking."

"You.. you talked to Ducky...about… this? About …me?"

"No details. Just explained why I push you so hard."

"Tony!"

"I promise, Tim; no details. I haven't broken my promise to you. Yet."

"Why haven't you ever talked to me about it since that night?"

"Maybe because I didn't know how. Maybe because as bad as it was for you then; you held on and when things seemed to get worse after he came back; it didn't happen."

"How would you have known if it did? It kinda would have been too late, wouldn't it?"

"I was watching. I knew what to look for."

"Really? When? In between your bullying me and your hooking up with him? Where did you find the time?"

"Haven't you figured out yet, that's exactly how I kept an eye on you; all the bullying/harrassing?. Yeah, Tim. I was still watching out for you. I haven't stopped."

"Tony, let's just cut the crap, all right?"

"You need to tell him"

"No. I don't"

"Yes. You do."

"Tony!"

"You need to tell him! It concerns him too."

"No, it doesn't."

"That's a load of crap and you know it!"

"Tony!"

"You gonna keep denying how bad you handled him leaving? How bad it hurt you? Knocked you on your ass? Keep telling yourself that him abandoning us had nothing to do with what happened that night?"

"Even if it does.. I'm not.."

"Not what? Gonna tell him what he deserves to know? Why the hell not?"

"**NO!"**

"**DAMN IT! HE DESERVES TO KNOW!"**

"What, that I'm as weak as you think I am? That this is the real reason you treat me the way you do; to toughen me back up so it doesn't happen again on your watch?"

"**NO!! So that it never happens again at all!!!! EVER!!** And if you can't handle telling him; then I will! You decide, right now! While you're at it; decide which way this toughening up routine's gonna go from here, too. Do I keep going; or; are you at that place where you **don't **want to just let go and not have someone pick you back up this time? Because if you're **not **thereyet; you and I aren't finished yet! At least not until I pass that baton over to Gibbs_." I can't do it anymore._

"Tony!"

"**NO!** Tim; you have two decisions to make and I'm giving you 2 minutes to make em. I am NOT gonna stand by and watch you put yourself through this another day! You wanna blame Gibbs and me? You think that's right? You sure as hell threw it out there pretty damn convincingly! Hell, even Abby and Ziva believe it! But just because you've managed to keep it that way; doesn't mean you're off the hook! Not with me! Now what's it gonna be? Are you gonna tell him or am I?"

"Tony, you know damn well that this does have a lot do to with you and Gibbs getting together and how it affected everyone around you; mainly me. You can't just blame me; that night for everything that's been wrong around here and you know it!"

"Fine. You're right. Now. What's it gonna be? Are you gonna tell him?"

"Tony, I can't." Tim's whisper was filled with agonized fear.

"Why not?" Tony's voice was calm for the first time since this whole conversation had started.

"You _want_ him to lose faith in me? You _want_ him to be disappointed in me? Not want me on his team anymore?"

"No. Of course not; but now you' re selling the man short."

"No, I'm not. He's a Marine; there's no tolerance for weakness in that."

"That's crap and you know it. He's dealt with all this stuff in the last 24 hours, hasn't he?"

"Tony!"

"No, Tim. Right now! What's it gonna be?"

"I can't!"

"All right, then! What's your other decision gonna be?"

"Tony! I was fine! I was there. But, if you tell him…"

"Oh, no you don't! Don't even try to pull that on me! You were not there! You haven't been there since it happened! You cannot look me in the eye and tell me you haven't wanted to let go and fall back to that place. I see it in your eyes every day! Don't lie to me!"

"Tony!"

"Na-uh! This conversation' s over. I need to go talk to him"

"Oh, God. Tony!"

"Look!. This ends now! You got me? I'm not about to stand here and watch that man have his own ass handed to him on a platter; because you "can't" come clean to him! He's never lied to you! Why the hell are you lyin to him?"

"I'm not!"

"You are! You know damn well, you are!"

"I haven't said one thing that wasn't' true!"

"You haven't told him everything!"

"He knows that! I've made no secret of that!"

"Ok, then. Well. That's good. So am I gonna tell him or are you?"

"I can't."

"Ok. Where are your car keys?"

"Huh?"

"Your car keys; give them to me!"

"Tony!"

"NOW!"

"Here!"

"Okay. Then. Have a seat. Take a nap. I'll be back."


	17. The Truth is Out There

_A/N: This story has taken bumpy turns that it didn't start out with. In this and the upcoming chapters there is mention of adult situations. No details. Implied only. I do not own NCIS or it's charactors; I only play with them on paper._

_Fasten your seatbelts; it's gonna get bumpier!_

Tony made his way back thru Gibbs' backyard, to his kitchen; the conversation he had with Ducky from this morning playing once again in his head:

"_Ducky, he was trippin over himself when Gibbs left. He was so rattled and shaken, he could barely see straight; I saw him fall. I picked him up out of the gutter; where he'd landed. I literally had to save him from himself. _

_I've had to stay tough on him I needed to be the one to make him keep stepping up his game; grow a tougher skin; so he wouldn't go back there. I couldn't let him fall again. I needed him. And he needed me. We were a team here; both having to adjust to being a team without Gibbs. And it took both of us to get thru it."_

"_Anthony; I understand and I applaud your devotion; but what ever happened after Jethro returned? Why on earth did you continue to treat Timothy in that manner?"_

"_Ducky, I couldn't let up; don't you see? If I had let up on him? He would have fallen back down. He's been standing on that edge ever since; just one step away from falling back down where I'd picked him up from. And you know what? Everyday, I could see it in his eyes, Ducky! Everyday; he was just aching to go back to that place. And I'll be damned if I was gonna let him do it! And the worst part? I still it! He's still on that edge; every damn day! No matter how hard I push him or needle him or torment him to try to make him step back away from there; he hasn't moved!_

"_Anthony; I fear the time has come for you to get Timothy to see that he needs to talk to Jethro about this; it doesn't belong on your shoulders any longer." _

_Gibbs is back now, but he wasn't here when this happened."_

"_Anthony, can you honestly say that Timothy's inability to deal with the loss of Jethro as Team leader had nothing to do with this?"_

"_No. I know it did. His leaving had a hell of a lot to do with it. I just don't think Tim sees that or wants to see it._

_I have to admit that I did keep teasing him about never having a date or a girlfriend. It was the only thing I was still teasing him about." _

"_Oh, God, oh, Ducky! Gibbs leaving may have unbalanced him; sent him out of focus; but, hell I pushed him into this mess; me and my stupid endless harassing him about no girlfriends or dates!_

"_Have you talked to Timothy about that night since it happened?"_

"_No. Not a word."_

"_Anthony, I think it's high time you talked to Timothy and to Jethro about this."_

"_Yeah? Thank you, Ducky!"_

***************************

Gibbs had wandered down to his boat; leaving the basement door open to listen for the boys coming back into the house. He needed something to soothe his troubled mind and heart. His gut was clenched, too. Whatever this was; whatever had happened during the time he'd been gone; it apparently had happened to Tim; Tony had apparently had to help him thru it; and neither one of them had said a word about it! Here, he's been back over 2 months; and he hadn't heard a peep about this. It had to be pretty damn serious for this kind of reaction and for the strength that Tim was holding it inside of himself with.

Tim had thrown some pretty damn deep stuff at him in the last 24 hours. And the fact that he was refusing to throw this at him; meant that this had to be much worse. The fact that Tony had been absolutely closed mouth about it is what iced the cake on that deep-seated conviction that had his gut churning. That seriously worried him; for Tim. Whatever it was; the young man needed to get it out; before it did him any more harm. He could only hope that Tony would be able to get him to open up.

"Boss!" Tony hollered for him as he came back into the kitchen.

"Down here, Tony!" Gibbs called up to him; as he continued to sand his boat; needing to keep his hands busy.

As Tony slowly came down the stairs; his eyes met Gibbs' eyes and the older man' felt his heart stop. It was so blatantly obvious on Tony's face that what the young man was about to tell him was as bad as Gibbs' gut had warned him it would be; Gibbs had to tell himself to breathe.

As Tony sat down on a step two-thirds of the way down the stairs; he kept his eyes on Gibbs', but didn't speak.

"Well?" Gibbs was already on edge; he didn't need this waiting game. He needed the truth.

"You're gonna want to be sitting down for this, Gibbs." Tony's gentle tone and the use of his last name; set Gibbs' nerves even higher on edge; leaving precious little room for any more; well; anything.

"Tony! Just tell me!" Gibbs voice had an agonized edge of steel to it; laced with exhaustion.

As Tony launched into the tale; one he knew Gibbs needed to be told; he watched. As Gibbs' raw emotions marched across his face and into his eyes; as they came and went; as his hands clenched and fisted; never once relaxing; Tony continued to tell the tale. The story was by no means pretty; but it had to be told and as the details came to light; Tony found himself greatly relieved that he was the one telling Gibbs; and not Tim. Tim had been so right about one thing; having to tell Gibbs what had happened to him that fateful night; having to see Gibbs gut reaction; and his emotions laid bare as they worked themselves out; would have destroyed him. Tim was too tender-hearted to have been able to hold up under the pressure this would have been for him. The guilt would have buried him alive. Tony was extremely thankful; that he had bitten the bullet and come down here and laid it out for the boss man. It would be the last thing he would do in this long drama. Ducky was right. From here on, Gibbs would have to carry this ball. Tony couldn't handle it anymore.

Tony just hoped that everything they'd worked so hard to clear up and fix in the last 24-hours hadn't been for nothing. When he'd told Gibbs everything he had to tell him; right down to his conversation with Ducky; not wanting to ever have to visit this conversation again because something had been left out; Tony got up; looked over at Gibbs and told him:

"If I've handled this wrong; or screwed up in any way with this; I'm sorry, Gibbs."

Silently, he turned and climbed the stairs back up into the kitchen; closing the door behind him; leaving Gibbs alone with his petrifying, unleashed fury and unbridled emotions he needed to put a handle on.

Tony had told him the boys had kept everything to themselves; never telling anyone anything. His words began to filter back into his mind; piece by piece.

"_When I saw those eyes, Gibbs! The look in his eyes; the pain; the pure horror of what they had done to him; hearing of the horrible memories it had dredged up for him from his childhood! He was broken, Gibbs, and it scared me!"_

"_He thought he had fallen genuinely in love with a girl; who had fallen in love with him. But what he'd done, was fallen into a trap, Gibbs. They were identical twins; couldn't tell them apart; and they set him up! It took them only 3 weeks to worm their way into his affections and trust; where he'd let his guard down; started being romantic; spending money; handing her his credit card to buy something; never having a thought to how he might be getting taken to the cleaners!_

"_It wasn't bad enough they screwed with his credit; stole his identity; got his apartment lease signed over to them; had his car done the same way! They even took his dog! But, no, that wasn't enough! That wasn't what sent him over the edge, Boss. They saved their worst for last!"_

Gibbs' rage was monstrous! The parental lion in him wanted vengeance. It cried out for blood. He was eternally grateful that he had not been anywhere around the people responsible when this occurred. Their arrests probably would never have happened. Gibbs would have saved the tax payers a fortune in court costs.

Tony's painful, further details of what those girls and their counterparts had done to his agent made Gibbs' blood boil. His heart cried for the young man; and when Tony continued on with the details; including how he, himself was dealing with the situation; how he had handled it; how he couldn't deal with it anymore. Gibbs had silently nodded his understanding while internally finding more respect and appreciation for his Senior Field Agent. The man had done a hell of a job carrying this burden on his shoulders and so silently, all this time. Gibbs was proud of him; damn proud of him.

But, his first concern now; his priority; was Tim. The young man that found the good in everyone before he ever looked for the bad; had been violated and damaged in the worst way; straight through his heart. He'd given it freely; and without selfishness; of that Gibbs was certain. That was just Tim's way. A gentleman to the core; he would have not suspected the girl; to be a twin; first off; or that she was playing him.

Gibbs wondered how the young man had even managed to continue to function as an Agent; much less go on with daily living. Tony's words he'd had with Ducky came back into focus in Gibbs' mind.

_I've had to stay tough on him I needed to be the one to make him keep stepping up his game; grow a tougher skin; so he wouldn't go back there. I couldn't let him fall again. I needed him. And he needed me. We were a team here; both having to adjust to being a team without Gibbs. And it took both of us to get _

"…_. I couldn't let up; don't you see? If I had let up on him? He would have fallen back down. He's been standing on that edge ever since; just one step away from falling back down where I'd picked him up from. And you know what? Everyday, I could see it in his eyes,…" _

_Everyday; he was just aching to go back to that place. And I'll be damned if I was gonna let him do it! And the worst part? I still it! He's still on that edge; every damn day! No matter how hard I push him or needlle him or torment him to try to make him step back away from there; he hasn't moved!_

Gibbs knew Tony was also at the end of his rope with this and after all he'd done to hold onto Tim; not let him get lost; who could blame him?

"_I had to literally stand between him and the punching bag, Gibbs. I'd sent him down there so he could blow off steam; get it out of his system. I never expected him to go at it for 2.5 hours!_

Gibbs; with a huge sigh of frustration; got himself under control and forced himself to run through one of the stress relieving exercises Mike had forced on him; drilled into his head; saved his sanity with. _"Good memory; call one up; right now! Dwell on it for 2 minutes!"_

Gibbs fondly recalled one of Tim's first "Biggest moments" when he'd done as Gibbs had suggested and told the SecNav to "Stick it". Gibbs had come back to NCIS to stories of how the MTAC crew had given his agent a standing ovation; and how it hadn't been until they did that; that the young man had relaxed and allowed himself to breathe normally.

_Okay. I need to go check on Tim. He's probably pretty damn near frantic by now._ Gibbs chided himself.

As Gibbs turned to go up the stairs; ready to face his surrogate son who had been done so horribly wrong; and had felt so horribly alone dealing with it; the words of his other surrogate son floated back to him:

"_He's petrified you won't want him on the team anymore. He's scared to death that you somehow will take this as him being too weak. No longer worth being respected or trusted. He knew he wouldn't have been able to handle your reaction; and I gotta tell you, Gibbs; he was right! If he'd been here; been the one trying to tell you what happened; and seen your reaction? It would have broken him. We both know he's too damn tender-hearted to have been able to handle it._

Gibbs paused before climbing the steps; reigning his emotions with the strength of a herd of horses; stomping down on them hard. There was no room for misread expressions in this upcoming conversation; no room at all. There was too much to fix and too much at stake.

***********************

The man in question was restlessly pacing a new walking path into Gibbs' yard, where none was needed; or even wanted. Gibbs silently approached him; having told Tony to go out for lunch. Tim, upon seeing Gibbs approach, stopped in his tracks and searched his boss' eyes for the fallout he knew was coming. Gibbs found himself wondering about this man's strength of character. Lesser men would have already crumbled under the abuse, mistreatment, strain, disrespect; sadness; and everything else he'd endured in his short lifetime. He certainly deserved a break; someone needed to cut this guy some slack; and Leroy Jethro Gibbs was more than happy to be the one to do it.

"_Hey, come sit down."_ Gibbs knew Tim needed the quiet direction to calm his nerves and focus his thoughts.

Once they were both sitting down; Gibbs looked his agent over; from head to toe; trying to assess how he was really doing.

"I'm fine, Boss. Can you just go ahead and drop the shoes please?" McGee's tenuous hold on his nerves slipped.

"_What is it with you and dropping shoes, Tim? You develop a phobia about them or something?"_ Gibbs chuckled.

"No, Boss." Tim smiled.

"_This what you weren't telling me this morning?"_ Gibbs quietly asked him in all seriousness.

Tim silently looked at Gibbs for a long minute before he answered. "Not everything. No." He admitted.

It obviously took a hell of a lot for Tim to be so completely honest on this personal of a level; so whatever was left that he hadn't yet shared; would only be harder on him. Gibbs took a shot at getting him to let it all out now and be done with it.

"_Wouldn't you rather go ahead and get it all out and over with?" _

The horror stricken look he got in response left no need for words.

"_Is it as bad as this?"_

"NO! Apples and oranges"

"_Then what's the problem?"_

"It's not work related, directly."

"_Okay. Again, what's the problem?"_

"Are you serious? After what Tony just told you? Especially after what Tony just told you?"

"_TIM!"_

"I can't. Not yet."

Gibbs sighed in frustration. _"Okay, then let's talk about what Tony told me_.

Tim's eyes hit the ground.

"_Tim, look at me."_ Gibbs instructed.

The devastated look on his agent's face almost broke Gibbs' heart. But for the young man's sake, Gibbs had to be strong and tough enough to get them both through this.

"_What can you tell me that will help me to help you?"_

"I'm sorry, Boss!" Tim felt unbearably guilty for bringing this down on Gibbs. Here they'd been so close to having everything cleared off the table between them; and then this gets dumped out there.

"_Don't apologise. It's a sign of weakness."_ Gibbs attempted to humor him; which of course, backfired, as Tim visibly cringed. Gibbs mentally kicked himself. _"You know, Tim there are times when I say that ; I'm no where near serious?"_

Tim's demeanor softened and relaxed almost instantly. A smile actually attempted to cross the barren plains of the young man's face.

"_What can you tell me?"_ Gibbs quietly asked again.

"They were caught; arrested. Awaiting trial."

"_By they - you mean.."_

"The twins."

"_Why not the others?"_

Tim looked away from him; a tear sliding down his face.

"_Hey,"_ Gibbs softly said; using his curled finger to guide Tim's chin back up off the ground and his eyes where he could look into them. _"It's just you and me here, okay? You can talk to me. I'll listen."_

Tim's face started to crumple. He fought it; hard; taking huge breaths trying to chase away the tears threatening to flow; the sobs beginning to choke him.

Gibbs stood up and pulled Tim up with him; turning his surrogate son to face him; he asked, _"Tim, have you had anyone whose shoulder you could lean on, since this happened?"_ Gibbs continued to keep his voice soft; knowing it would push Tim over the edge enough to let it all out. It was painfully obvious he hadn't done it since that horrible night.

Tim silently shook his head; errant tears escaping down his face.

"_Hey, Tim. Look at me, please?"_ Gibbs went in for one last attempt at getting him to let it out; wrapping the young man in his arms; he whispered _"It's okay to let it out, son. Let it go."_

Gibbs compassionate words; his supportive embrace and soothing voice broke the damn wide open. It had been closed up tight for 5 months; and it was full. Gibbs silently and patiently anchored him thru the storm. Silently, he sent up a prayer of thanks that he'd finally been let in on this young man's pain and the horrible story behind it.

Many, many moments later; Tim was able to dry up the tears; pull himself together; and after smiling his appreciation to Gibbs for his support; sit back down and breathe much more freely than he had in a long time. Maybe Tony did have the right idea. Tim would just have to wait and see how bad it got.

"_Okay?"_ Gibbs asked.

"Yeah, I am now, thanks to you." Tim quietly admitted.

"_This is what you needed me for."_ Gibbs spoke his understanding of what Tim hadn't been able to finish saying thru his near meltdown on the couch earlier; but had come oh, so close.

Tim looked Gibbs square in the eye. "Indirectly. Yes. I'm sorry. I know you hate this mushy stuff."

_*Slap*_

"Thanks Boss."

"_Tony's tirelessly looked out for you; tried to be there to hold you up. Couldn't you talk to him?"_

"We've never talked about it again. Yeah, he tried to hold me up; but since I didn't realize that's what he was doing; it didn't go so well; and it didn't help."

"_Wow. Okay. Are you up to answering some questions?"_

"Yes."

"_Did you talk to anyone at all?"_

"Non-agency, yeah. I didn't want it on my record that I had completely ignored protocol."

"_Did it help? I'm guessing the answer is no; considering how much you've been holding in."_

Again, Tim contemplated the question before handing out the answer; even though the answer seemed pretty obvious. "Not enough."

"_What was missing? What wasn't working about it?"_

"The nightmares haven't stopped. No one I knew that I could talk to."

"_How long did you go to this outside help?"_

"Until the day you sat back down behind your desk"

Gibbs was bowled over at Tim's brutal honest on such a personal level. _"Okay, did my coming back change anything about this for you?"_

"Temporarily. I forgot about it. Had work things to think about; worry about."

"_So, it didn't change the situation; it just took your focus off of it."_

"Yeah."

"_When's the last time this has kept you from sleeping or bothered you in any way?" _

"Is this an unofficial inquiry?"

"_Would you prefer an Official one?"_

"God, no!"

"_Okay. What's the answer?"_

"I'm not sure"

"_Why's that?"_

"I can't tell if it's just what happened with all this or if it's because of all the added stress from work; Tony's relentlessness' or all of it rolled up together."

"_Did you have any problems sleeping last night?_

"No."

"_When's the last time it affected your sleep?"_

"The night before last."

"_How long were you gonna carry this before you got help again?"_

"Didn't help the 1st time."

"_Different help"_

"I was leaving"

"_That's not help"_

"There's no way I can open all this up to yet another stranger. That's not helpful"

"_Okay. I get that. We'll touch back on this again later. What did you mean, 'indirectly'?_

Tim remained silent; unable and unwilling to go where that question was heading.

"_Tim?"_

The young man could only manage to look his boss in the eye. He couldn't bring himself to actually answer the question.

"_you think I don't understand that this is really hard for you? I do. I understand that. But, if I don't have the answers to my questions; I can't help you. When you said you needed me, earlier; what did you mean,indirectly?"_

"to keep me from trying to do it again." Tim's voice was a mere whisper; a whisper of pain and humiliation.

"Tim, look at me!

The young man raised his eyes and found the strength to look Gibbs eye to eye.

_How long has it been since you thought about doing it?"_

Tim's breath caught in his throat. _Oh, God! I can't answer that and honestly keep my job; and the minute I do answer it; Gibbs won't be able to keep his! This is why he was never supposed to find out!_

"_Tim?" _Gibbs was very concerned. He knew the "deer caught in the headlights" look when he saw it. And in response to the question he had just asked; it could only mean one thing. It had been recent enough to be of major concern.

"I refuse to answer the question, on the grounds that I may incriminate myself." Tim answered his voice barely above a whisper.

"_Tim, this isn't a joke."_

"I am not laughing, Boss."

"_This isn't official, just tell me!"_

"I can't"

"_Why not?"_

"Plausible Deniability"

"_Ah. Of course. Tell me something. Do you believe that I care about you; what happens to you?"_

"Of course I do"

"_Are you willing to trust me again? To do what's best for you?"_

"Yes"

"_Then why won't you stop fighting me on this and let me help you?"_

"Boss, you don't really think I'm refusing to answer you just for the hell of it, do you? Do you **want** me to be responsible for you losing you job; because you have knowledge of information that, by rights; should have already gotten me fired; and you didn't fire me the minute you found about it? Or what about Tony's job?"

"_Not gonna happen, Tim. I have more pull than you do with the powers that be. And I know how to work things out so that … well, so that things work out."_

"Boss, you can't force policy changes. We have no guarantee that our jobs will be safe if this gets out. I'm not willing to risk your job."

"_Tim, it's too late to worry about that now. The minute Tony told me; your team leader; what happened; it became my responsibility. You need to let me handle it. Your job; is to follow my lead. You want this to end well?" _

"Yes."

"_Okay, good. I need you to let me help you. Can you do that?"_

"I've been waiting for it for so long…yeah."

"_Okay. The only way for that to happen is if you let me in. Completely."_

Tim's face fell.

"_Look, I know that some of what you need to tell me is gonna be pretty damn tough for you to get through and for me to hear. But, we're in this together and we both want the same thing, in the end. We both want you to be able to put it behind you; and we both want to be able to get back to doing our jobs; as a united team, right?"_ Gibbs tried to tear down the wall he saw Tim rapidly building between them. Gibbs understood the kid just didn't know it would be all right. He was too scared of what letting in to that part of what he'd gone through, might do to make things worse for him.

Tim knew he didn't have the inner strength to confront the core of what happened that night. He didn't know how he was gonna be able to talk to Gibbs about it; but he was bolstered by the very fact that Gibbs wanted to hear it; wanted him to be able to get it out.

'_Believe it or not, Tim; the hard part for you is over. While, I'm not gonna promise you smooth sailing; I am gonna promise you; that I'll listen; whenever you need to talk; whatever you need to say; if it helps you get thru this; back up on your feet; I'm there. Okay?"_ Gibbs solemnly promised.

Tim searched Gibbs' eyes; knowing he'd find honesty; looking for more; needing to see that this was something he could hold onto; depend on; and actually put faith in; the light at the formally never ending tunnel.

Gibbs gave him what he was looking for. The promise never left his eyes that didn't waver from Tim's.

Tim smiled. He could get through this. He would get through it; with Gibbs' help.

"_In order for this to help you; you need to understand what I expect. Don't try short-cutting your way thru this. Continue being straight with me; and from now on; don't hold anything back. Don't be afraid to tell me anything. Can you do that?"_

Tim looked at him for a long silent minute. "Boss, if you can guarantee me that you won't get in trouble over any of this; I have no problem talking to you about it; most of it."

"_Okay. Then. Now that we have that settled; let's get back to the question. How long has it been Since you wanted to do it again; with no one to stop you this time?"_

"The night before last."

"_Okay"_

"And the night before that"

"_All right"_

"And every night before that."

"_Jeez. Tony was right? Have you been feeling this way every day since it happened? Why? What's keeping you there?"_

"Yeah, He was right. As for why; we covered that this morning, Boss."

_Refresh my memory._

Boss!

_Tim; it's been a long morning. A hell of a lot of things have been said here, in the last 24 hours. So, refresh my memory._

Tim's eyes became clouded with sadness. You're leaving. The way things have been between us since you've been back. Feeling like it was me against the world."

"_Yeah. I can see why that would keep you pretty down on yourself. But, things are gonna be different now, okay?"_

"Boss?"

"_Yeah, Tim?"_

"I don't want to do it anymore."

"_Why not?"_

"Because I see it now; you've shown me that you care; that I can talk to you. I'm not alone anymore.

"_No, Tim. You are definitely not alone anymore."_

****************************


	18. The Light at the End of the Tunnel

_**A/N: WARNING**: Mention of adult situations; non-consensual; criminal behavior towards others_

_Straight talk about how some people deal with crime happening to them._

_Warning: Rocky road ahead._

_Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or its' characters.  
_

* * *

"Are you ready to talk to me about it?" Gibbs asked Tim as they walked back into the house.

"Are you sure you're ready to hear it?"

"Whenever you are ready to tell me, I'll be ready to listen."

"Can we eat lunch, first? I'm starving."

"Yeah. We can do that."

Quietly; each lost in their own thoughts for a few minutes; they traipsed into the kitchen and while Gibbs drug out fixings for sandwiches; Tim put them together. The ambient silence as they ate. was just what they needed after the stressful morning they'd just been through. After they had eaten; they returned to the living room.

"You ready, now?" Gibbs asked him.

"Yeah, I can do this." Tim answered with a sigh.

"Good. Why don't you take me through what happened?"

Once they got settled in their seats; Tim opened up; opened up in a way he'd needed to; but hadn't been able to since the whole terrible ordeal had started for him; keeping up with the habit of the day; brutal honesty; he held nothing back.

****************************

"_Tim; you're a good agent. Don't let him tell you otherwise._

"_I won't, Boss."_

_****************************_

_You remember that, Boss? Our last conversation as you were leaving? _

_I was barely able to keep it together. I felt the air leaving my lungs; abandoning me right along with you; like you were taking it with you as you left us. I mean, I almost lost it before the doors on the elevator had closed; taking you away from us for the last time ! It was all I could do to keep from having a panic attack right then and there! I hurried up and got myself to the head; before I made a fool of myself. _

_I wasn't ready to handle Tony as my team leader. Ours wasn't that kind of absolute trusting relationship; there'd been way too much crap between us. I didn't feel safe with just him at the head of this team. I was scared to death! We'd never had the chance to build the trust and faith in each other that you had with us and more importantly; we had in you._

_You have to understand, Boss. You were the foundation of everything I'd built here; in the Agency; who I'd become. I was devastated and more scared than when I first had to work with you up in Norfolk! If it hadn't been for Director Shepard immediately calling us to order; I don't know what would have happened. She told us to finish our reports and then go home. She also told us to report for a meeting 1st thing the next day. _

_Somehow, we made it thru that day and the ones that followed; but I was in a constant state of fear and anger. Tony saw it, Ziva saw it, Abby was too wrapped up in her own anger for a while. Ducky still watched over us; but he was quieter about it; almost like he didn't want to disturb us while we tried to find our footing. I didn't even like coming to work anymore. I always worried I wouldn't be coming home that night._

_Tony was so out of sorts; he quit teasing everyone; except me about never having dates or girlfriends. That's the one thing he could never stop harassing me about. Somehow, we got thru it. Day by day; one at a time.  
_

_Three weeks after you left; I remember, it was a Friday night. I was so angry and at the end of my rope with Tony's endless teasing me; and with feeling angry at you and scared to go to work; I needed a diversion.. I stopped in at a bookstore to see what the latest bestsellers were and this girl; Lacy; walked up to me; while I was browsing; and acted interested in whatever I was searching for; played it off that she was open to reading something new; based on a complete stranger's opinion of the book. We "connected." There was never a sign that she even knew who I was; even though my book was in her arms. I kept waiting for her to admit she knew who I was. But as long as she didn't; I was happy to be anonymous in that regard. As time went on, I preferred to keep it that way; seemed simpler._

"_I took it somewhat slow; we dated; went out; talked; got to know each other every night; for about 2 weeks before I bought her any gifts or let her come into my apartment. At the same time; Tony was still digging in to me about the no girlfriends/no dates; so he was goading me and it was getting under my skin. Work was still painful to go to; difficult to get through; and I was getting closer every day to actually requesting a transfer; starting fresh somewhere else. But, I couldn't decide if that would even help. It wasn't until we started dating that i started gettina any real sleep since you left._

_Anyway; during the 3__rd__ week we were dating; by now, you'd been gone for 6 weeks; I took her out shopping; and started handing her either my bank card or my credit card while we were in line, checking out of the stores. She would casually forget to hand it back; distract me make up a reason to hang on to it. I wasn't paying close enough attention, at the time; I was too busy getting comfortable having someone who 'cared' about me and wanted to be with me. I was too busy talking myself into finally allowing myself to get more involved with her. _

_We did, get more involved. She liked things wild and usually got a little rough. I was so desperate to stay in it; where I felt wanted/loved; I jut dealt with it and got used to it. And, when I had the time to sit and think back over those next three weeks; I realized; that's when things had begun to get hinky. I remember; I would wake up in the morning and not remember what happened the night before. There would be things that were different about her; I would find bruises on me that I didn't remember getting. Things were missing from my apartment; small things; a bill or an article of clothing. And files and icons on my computer desktop would be different or moved around. The access dates wouldn't match when I used my computer. Other things would be moved around in my apartment; the stuff in my cupboards; my spare keys; that kind of stuff. She would just accuse me of having a bad memory and for a while, I believed her. I knew how scatterbrained I could be sometimes. _

_I know. Looking back now; I don't understand why I just didn't tattoo the word STUPID on my forehead!_

_But, I was caught up in having someone in my life; someone to spend time with; keep me from focusing on work; on how alone and unprotected I felt there. I knew I was barely hanging on there. I chalked it up to too much stress and not enough sleep. I shrugged it off; for the whole 3 weeks; it was going on. By this time; you'd been gone for nine weeks and I didn't think you were ever coming back. Work wasn't getting any easier to deal with. I was closer than ever to quitting; having decided that transferring would not change anything._

_The fourth week we'd been dating; seven weeks after you had left; when she came over; she wasn't alone. She brought her twin sister with her;even though it struck me as strange and made me a little uncomfortable; I finally decidede to just go with it; and I thought it was my lucky night. I couldn't have been more wrong; if my life had depended on it. _

****************************

Tim took a break. That had been the easy part of the story to tell. It didn't matter that he'd actually laid his true feelings out there about how he'd felt when Gibbs had left. He needed the man to understand just where Tim had been when this happened. Why it happened. The rest would be implicitly much harder to talk about and all of a sudden, Tim was loosing his nerve. He closed his eyes; and his hands almost involuntarily clenched; both the one on his lap and the one on the arm of the couch. Breathing was become something he had to remind himself to do.

Gibbs stopped his mind from jumping through the story Tony had told him and concentrated on the man in front of him; struggling to go on with the telling of his experience. It was obvious his agent was almost ready to call it quits; not be able to continue getting it out. Gibbs wanted to calm the poor guy's nerves before it got to that point.

"It's okay, Tim. Just relax. Do you need a break?"

Tim silently shook his head; his eyes still closed; and laid his head back against the back of the couch and continued to work on steadying his breathing and harnessing his nerves. Gibbs silently got up and walked over to his cabinet; poured a shot of bourbon into a glass he kept handy for such occasions; and went back and sat down next to his agent on the couch.

"Here, this might help." He quietly said; as he held out the glass to Tim.

Tim opened his eyes and looked at the glass Gibbs was handing him; then he looked up at Gibbs. His "you expect me to drink that?" look was priceless; but Gibbs managed to keep it down to a grin as he encouraged him to do just that.

"Drink it. It certainly won't kill you or even hurt you."

Tim tossed back the drink; not wanting to draw out the taste he knew he wasn't gonna like. After he'd managed to get past the fire in his throat; he laid his head back again, and once again closed his eyes; not yet able to find a way to even crawl his way back into this sordid tale.

Gibbs understood. More than anyone else could ever know; Gibbs understood. He also understood, based on what Tony had told him; that Tim needed someone to let him tell this horrible tale; to get him to the point where he could talk about where this situation had taken him; and why he was still stuck there.

Unfortunately, Gibbs had been there himself. While it was true enough that he hadn't gotten there in any where near the same way that Tim had; Gibbs had still been where this was leading; where it had led Tim to; and where Tim was stuck at. Gibbs had no choice; he had to get Tim to spill it out. All of it; before it killed him. Literally. Maybe Tim would be able to finish if he felt less alone in the room. Gibbs turned and sat down sideways on the couch, next to Tim, so that he could be supportive when Tim needed it; yet still leave him space to be comfortable. Then, he started the ball rolling again.

"Tim. I know that it's only gonna be harder for you from here. Remember, no matter what, I'm here to help you do this." Gibbs quiet promise seemed to be just what Tim needed to hear.

The young man opened his eyes back up and looked at Gibbs. "Thank you," was all he could say. He took a deep breath and stepped back into what he could no longer avoid.

******************

_My life didn't depend on that night; but that's the night that ruined my life; as I knew it._

_I couldn't think straight; my eyes were blurry; I kept thinking one of them had drugged my soda. I still believe that. Pretty soon, there were more people there the girls claimed the extra people were their friends and they were all just gonna hang out, kind of like a small party._

_I wanted out. I couldn't get out fast enough. I left. I left my own apartment. But I left in such a hurry; I forgot my keys and my wallet were in the apartment. My badge and gun and id were all locked up in my car. Going back for them and Lacy handing me a drink and helping me hold the glass to my mouth; sweet talking me into drinking it; was the last thing I remembered._

_When I woke up; it was ten o'clock the next morning and I was in a hotel room. Alone; fully dressed; and with a headache from hell. Someone had been nice enough to leave me an unopened box of Tylenol on the nightstand next to the hotel phone. _

_After my head cleared and I was able to actually see straight; I could see that I all I had with me were spare clothes; enough for a week; my shower kit; phone and my badge, id and wallet; which was now empty of the $300 it had in it the night before. _

_As I got my bearings; I noticed a note by the lamp on the hotel dresser. As I began reading it, I thought it was a nightmare; thought I was still asleep. I had to pinch myself to believe what I was reading was real._

_*******************_

Tim stopped his story; his emotions rising too close to the surface for him to continue. He took a deep breath.

"Give me a minute." He rasped out.

"Take your time, Tim." Gibbs' quiet reassurance did wonders towards calming the young man's nerves.

Tim got up and searched his pockets for his car keys. Remembering that Tony had them; he swore softly.

"What's wrong?"

"I need to get something out of my car and Tony took my keys."

"He left them on the Refrigerator." Gibbs said with a smile.

"Thanks. I'll be right back." Tim promised.

He came back in shortly; carrying a small lockbox. Sitting back down on the couch, he unlocked the box and took out a folded piece of paper and handed it to Gibbs. Setting the box aside, Tim sat back and closed his eyes; waiting for his boss to get done reading the note he'd been left in the hotel room.

********************

_Tom E. Gemcity:_

_Thank you so much for your generosity! Your apartment; which you've so generously signed over to us; is great! Transferring ownership of your car to us; was over the top! Letting us have the use of your credit card and bank account was a really sweet gesture/ Letting us keep your precious dog was so sweet! Our cousin, Lucy loves him to pieces; so he'll be happy out in the country with her._

_We sincerely hope you enjoy your two week prepaid stay in this lovely hotel room._

_By the way? We had a great time at the party last night! Thank you so much for being such a good sport! _

_You've been such a good sport all month! Letting us try our little cocktails on you; letting us watch what it did to your memory? What an experience. Thank you for that. I did tell you we were in to that kind of thing, didn't she?  
_

_Hope you enjoy the souvenirs we've left you from the best party we've been to in a long time!_

_It was nice knowing you; but, you're not really the type of guy we're looking for; turns out you're much too much of a gentleman for our tastes;so thanks so much for the great rolls in the hay; but; please don't call us anymore! We do wish you well, though. Have a nice life!_

_Sincerely:_

_Lacy _

_and Linda, too. _

**********************

Gibbs was speechless. Was this for real? This was a joke, right? People actually did that to people these days? Then he was angry! Red boiling hot pissed off; angry. This was unconscionable! Oh!. Gibbs had to calm his anger down before he could even look away from the note. He didn't want Tim to see it and misconstrue it; think even for a second that it was directed at him.

Tony hadn't told him what was in the note. He'd skimmed over the note; almost as an afterthought. But this, this was no afterthought! It was too long and had too many details; no, this was spiteful. This had been a thoroughly thought out; life stealing attack. This had _Experienced Criminals_ written all over it. And his agent's alter persona; the part of himself that Tim was so proud of; had been targeted.

_Damn it! First that nut job; Landon; kills people over Tim's book; and now, Tim himself; becomes the target of criminals; these crooks took everything personal from him. This is worse than any movie Tony's always going on about._

"It's never left my head. I saw the words every time I closed my eyes for two weeks straight". Tim's agony vibrated thru his voice.

"Did Tony see this? Did you show it to him?" Gibbs asked him quietly.

"No!" The hardness of Tim's voice spoke of the deliberateness of that fact.

"Okay."

Silence

"Okay, do you think you can go on?"

Tim took a minute to draw in a breath and let it back out slowly. With all the determination he could muster, he looked Gibbs in the eye, once again, and answered him. "Yeah."

Gibbs smiled at him encouragingly and waited for him to continue.

*****************

_I remember being so stunned; I think I must have stayed frozen in that spot; staring at the note for hours. I just couldn't wrap my head around it! It wasn't until much later; the light coming into the room had changed direction; that I stopped to realize that underneath the note was an envelope with pictures in it. From the looks of things; someone had taken frame by frame photos of a video. They were…._

***************

Tim's voice broke; his eyes slamming shut as he threw his head back against the couch. It wasn't enough; the tears slid past his eye lids, down his face, regardless. His shoulders began to shake with silent sobs of anguish. Anquish born of the experiences long endured in silence; finally allowed out.

Gibbs reached over and pulled him into an embrace, "Ssh. It's okay, stop fighting it, let it out. I know this has to be tough, don't make it harder on yourself trying to be strong here. This isn't about that."

Tim did as Gibbs encouraged; melting into the anchor that was holding him up; letting him rage against all that he'd been dealt. Eventually; Tim managed to regain control of everything he was feeling; knowing he still had more to get through. Making no move to pull away from Gibb's anchoring support; he let his most painful part of the story out the only way he was capable of at the moment:

"_I didn't remember any of it."_ Tim's anguish came out in a broken whisper. _"Those… guys…I......two …of...them…the…twins…spectacle….watching…" _Tim's pain once again roared to the surface and he had to stop trying to talk; his tears flowing and sobs; shaking his shoulders.

Gibbs just held him and quietly whispered words of encouragement to him thru it all; knowing it was what Tim needed most at the moment. Slowly, he began to rock him; like he used to do for Kelly when she'd been upset. Gibbs' heart broke at the revealing reminder; feeling again, grateful that he was here to help this young man get all of this out. Hearing about the pictures had come as a shock to Gibbs. Tony's story would have included them; if he'd known about them; Gibbs was certain of that. It hadn't because he hadn't.

Tim's words; as brokenly as they came out; explained why his agent had never been able to put this behind him. Gibbs now understood why Tim had, as Tony said; never lost the look in his eye; that the place that this took the young man too; was the place he remained stuck in.

It wasn't stealing his money or swindling him out of his personal belongings that had taken so much from this young man's soul that he'd not been the same since; no; it was the fact that he'd been violated; and that they had it thrown back in his face that they'd done it while he was too drugged to know what was going on around him and to him! They had ripped out Tim's kind, tender-hearted soul and he was helpless to get it back. He'd lost such big pieces of himself in this nightmare; it was no wonder he couldn't go it alone. It was no longer surprising that he was still barely holding on; as Tony had said.

As Gibbs held his grieving younger surrogate son in his arms; more of the words from his older one ran through his mind:

* * *

_Tim started looking haggard and sleepless; losing weight in what seemed like days; his eyes had lost not only their shine; but seemed to have lost their color, too. His latest round of bruises were more visable and numerous. Now, he was unsteady on his feet. Even Ducky had been fretting about it. Tim had just tuned everyone out; blew it off._

_I thought he was dying of something like cancer he hadn't told us about. I was so worried about him, I talked Jenny into ordering Tim to get a physical exam and bring in a Dr's confirmation that he was fit for duty. Surprisingly enough; he'd passed the physical; and the only caution from the Dr was that the Tim needed to eat and sleep better!_

_I didn't buy it, Boss. I knew better. I mean, sure; he'd been thrown for a hell of a loop with you leaving, but; you'd been gone for nine weeks by this time. This was way too scary to only be that! I kept a sharper eye on him after that and sure enough; it wasn't but a week later; Tim had that 'help me, I'm drowning on dry land" look in his eyes. I knew I had to sit him down and talk to him before it was too late. I didn't want to do it at work. I knew whatever was going on was personal; I had enough respect for him and the rough time he was having to do my best to keep it off the record for him._

_I went to Tim's apartment looking for him; only to find those two women in residence; truly acting like they owned the place. They'd told me about everything Tim had "given" them and where he had been staying. I found him there; but Tim wouldn't answer the door. I had to use my badge and id to get the spare room key and open the door._

_When I opened the door, Boss? When I saw what I saw in that room, Boss? My heart stopped!_

_Boss, I had never been so scared in my whole life as I was at that moment!_

_I felt helpless; I didn't know what the hell to do; I mean I knew what to do; I just didn't know how to do it right. I knew I only had one chance to get it right; make a difference; and I wasn't sure how to go about it!_

_Boss, I don't ever want to be in that position in my life; every again! I mean, with someone close to me._

_Sure, I would prefer to never be in that position again with anyone, but in this job; that can't be helped; I get that. But with a co-woker? No! Never again!_

* * *

Oh, yeah. Unfortunately, it all made sense now. Gibbs' anger was white hot. That someone would do this to one of his own; set his anger thru the roof.

Thankfully, the details Tony had already provided now wouldn't have to come from Tim. Unfortunately; the rest of the horrible details Gibbs needed to hear; would . Gibbs knew that if he brought Tim's ordeal down to just a few more questions; it would be easer on the guy. Since, the young man in question had quieted down and was simply resting in Gibbs' arms; too wiped out to move; or unwilling to delve anymore into what he needed to get out; Gibbs wasn't sure. What he did know; was that they needed to wrap this up. It was too painful for the young man; and there was much to discuss after all the details were released; to drag this out any longer than absolutely necessary.

Gibbs quietly started talking to him, again.

"Hey, Just a few more questions, okay?

"Yeah, least… I think I can." Tim's quiet answer came from somewhere on Gibbs' shoulder; needing the comfort and strength he was drawing from him; to go on.

"We'll take it slow, all right? Okay, Tony told me the story from his point of view, of getting Director Shepard to order you to get the physical; said he'd been worried that you were dying or something. That means you weren't eating or sleeping?

"Couldn't eat; kept getting sick to my stomach every time I tried. Couldn't sleep; felt too stressed, too out of sorts."

"Where are the pictures now; do you still have them?"

"Yeah." Tim's whispered admission was full of guilt.

"It's okay. You kept them to preserve as evidence; that's a good thing."

Tim pulled away from his anchor and looked down at the floor in shame as he quietly answered the question that hadn't been asked.

"No, just didn't want anyone else to ever get them. Not that it matters. I think they posted the on the internet. I'm just not ready even look yet."

"You made sure Tony didn't see the photos." Gibbs stated; knowing if Tim had been unwilling for Tony to see the note; he would have been even more distraught at Tony seeing the photos.

Tim silently nodded as he picked up the box he'd set aside earlier and handed it to Gibbs.

Okay. Let's finish up with what I need to ask you; so we can leave it alone for awhile, all right? Gibbs set the box aside.

Tim nodded

"Were you able to do anything at work?"

"Tony stuck me on desk duty. I managed."

"What happened on the day Tony found you in the hotel room?

Tim jumped up off the couch and started to run out the French Doors to the back porch but the sound of Gibbs' voice stopped him in his tracks. The man had somehow almost beaten him to the doors; standing not two feet behind him!

"**McGee!"**

Tim stood frozen, not moving; not even turning around; his head hanging and his eyes staring holes into his shoes.

"You said you needed me to help to catch you before you fall again. If that's really what you need; then you have to let it out. I need to hear this. Now, I know this has got be tough to talk about. But we both know that this is where you've been in trouble since it happened. You need to let me in; here; where it's the toughest to talk about; the toughest to deal with; work through; talk to me; so we can get you away from here; and get you back where you should be; happy and whole; as much as possible; given these circumstances."

"I never wanted you to know how much of a coward I was; still am." Tim whispered.

Gibbs turned him around to face him faster than he could blink. "You listen to me! Not being able to handle this alone does **not **make you a coward! Is that what's stuck in your head? Is _that_ what you think every time you think of doing it again? You think you have to do it because you're a _coward?"_

"What else was I supposed to think?"

"That you're human and there are limits to how much one person can take, Tim and when that person feels all alone on top of being done the way you were done; you've done the best you can do and…."

**"But, that's just it; Boss! Don't you see? I've done nothing but think about giving up! You know why I kept wanting to do it? I wanted to end the nightmares. I wanted to end the feeling that won't go away; of not being worth a damn! I wanted to end this never being able to laugh again or be happy again. I wanted to end this never feeling safe. That's what I wanted to end! And I didn't know any other way to do it!**

"Okay. It would help if you would stop passing judgement on yourself. Seems to me, you were handling it the best way you knew how; given how alone you felt."

"Work with me, here and we'll get you through this, all right? I need you to be strong here for just a few more questions; all right? No matter what you tell me, I do not and will not ever consider you to be a coward and you need to not think that way about yourself; either. You got me?" Gibbs was quietly firm.

Tim looked at him for a long minute before he apparently found it within himself to agree; and nodded his head. He sat back down on the couch; looking so forlorn that before Gibbs knew it; he'd sat right down next to him and wrapped his arm around Tim's shoulder, like he used to do for Kelly; and just held him there in a show of support; as he asked the question again.

"What happened the night Tony found you?

_"I'm sorry he had to witness that. I never meant for him to see me that night."_ Tim's tortured whisper was barely audible.

"That's pretty much a given. And you and Tony will work things out; of that I have no doubt. Hang in here with me for just a couple more questions and then we're done with this; at least for now; all right?"

_"okay."_

"Tell me what was running through your mind; while you were sitting there that night; trying to decide whether or not to do it"

Tim couldn't say anything; his humiliation and self-worthlessness; was written all over his face as he hung his head in shame.

"Tim, look at me." Gibbs quietly commanded with more authority in his voice; than he'd used all day. This was it; the biggest question in this whole ordeal that Tim needed to answer and Gibbs wanted no excuses; just brutal honesty. It was a tough question to ask; a painful one; and Gibbs had all he could do to keep that pain out of his voice as he asked it.

What made you decide that the way to make it all go away; was to eat your gun? "


	19. I Think I can Finally See That Light

_A/N: _**WARNING**: _Mention of non-consensual adult situations; child sexual abuse; and attempted suicide. _

This story took unexpected twists and turns along the way; ones that weren't part of the original plot; but I hope you like it anyway. My apologies to those of you who don't.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own NCIS or its' characters. I just play with them on paper.

_

* * *

"__What made you decide that the way to make it all go away; was to eat your gun? "_

Tim McGee had never been asked a more painful question in his life; well, almost never. But, this was hard; damn hard, and he wasn't sure he could explain it in a way that would make sense. The best he could do; was tell him exactly what he'd seen, heard and felt that night.

_When I was ten years old; I was walking home from school one day in October; close to Halloween. All of a sudden there was a stinky rag being held over my mouth and then everything went black. I hadn't even heard anyone walk up to me. I had been lost in my own thoughts._

_When I woke up; I was blindfolded and tied down to a bed. I remember feeling petrified that I was never gonna see my family again; hearing this guy tell me that if I didn't shut my mouth he would kill me and then he would go kill my family almost in the same breath he was telling me what he wanted to do with me. I didn't know what else to do; I could only think of saving my baby sister and my mother; so I just got quiet and stopped fighting him. I robotically did whatever he told me to do; praying that he would hurry up and be done with it. Praying that I would get to go home when he was done._

Tim stopped talking; as his voice broke; the vivid memories he was trying to so calmly relay to Gibbs; were tearing him apart. The flashes of remembered instances driving him back to the edge of despair. With tears coursing down his cheeks and his breath coming harsh and shallow; he'd reached his limit.

Gibbs, feeling both the parental fury and the instinct to comfort his wounded, grieving child; reached out; with tears in his eyes; and pulled Tim into a hug; holding him tight; whispering to him that it was okay to let go. Huddled against Gibbs' shoulder; wrapped in Gibbs' strength and support; Tim's body shook with pure emotion and near suffocating pain thru his tears. Gibbs continued to soothe and began to rock his surrogate son; once again, remembering when Kelly had needed this; letting Tim get it out; all of it. The pain and fury and sense of betrayal both old and new; from both friends and strangers; was a hell of a mountain for any person to climb; and Tim had climbed it; repeatedly. It was time for someone to carry him for a while.

Gibbs was relieved to finally be able to know exactly what was going on inside this young man's head and his heart. He'd been holding in way too much of this pain and misery for too long; and although it was too much for one person to deal with; at least now; Tim wasn't alone. Now, he had someone to talk to; lean on; depend on; feel secure with and know he was safe with.

Tim eventually ran out of tears; ran out of sobs; ran out of energy. What he hadn't run out of; was the need to get this out. Purge it from his mind. Pulling back from Gibbs; dragging up his reserves of energy; he offered his anchor a small smile of gratitude and pulled himself up off the couch; taking himself over to the French doors; leaning against them to stare outside; his anger beginning to find its' way up and threatening to unfurl in uncontrolled droves.

"Hey." Gibbs quietly tried to call his attention back; knowing he was in all probability getting lost in it all; somewhere.

Tim's only response to Gibbs' call for his attention; was the deep breath he took; tramping down on his anger; and letting that breath back out as he gathered up the courage; once again; to delve back into this nightmare. He needed to get it out; needed Gibbs to understand. As Tim's soft; agonized words began reaching across the room; Gibbs felt his heart wrench for his troubled agent.

"_Sitting in that hotel room that night; before Tony got there; I was feeling; hearing and even seeing everything all over again; like it had just happened yesterday; the fear; the helplessness; the anger; the physical pain; my own terrified screams; feeling the hatred I had for him_

_I was hearing him tell me; when he'd put me back in the truck and driven me back where he'd picked me up from; that he'd be watching and if I ever told anyone anything about it; he'd come back and kill me and my family. He did too; there were at least three times; I remembered feeling spooked; like he'd come back to make sure I knew he was watching me, still keeping me locked in fear; his threats playing over and over in my mind. The flashes; the playback of what he did to me; that my mind kept showing me; started mixing in with what had recently happened in my apartment; the photos they'd made sure I'd seen; being flipped thru like someone had put them back together in a movie; and it all became one big mixed up; one continued nightmare playing over and over in my head._

Tim turned from the French doors and pegged Gibbs with his pained, intense eyes; over-flowing with tears; as he admitted the heart wrenching, painful truth of a devastated soul.

"_I needed it to stop! I just needed it all to stop!"_

Having known that agonizing feeling before; Leroy Jethro Gibbs certainly empathized with his agent; more than that; his heart grieved with him; for the hell he'd been thru; both as a young child and again as an adult. Knowing that there was nothing that could be said or done to take away Tim's pain; Gibbs didn't offer any platitudes; he did; however; offer human contact and support; guidance and protection; in the shelter of his strength; the support of his experience and the safety of his embrace. As he saw Tim thru what he hoped was the last emotional train-wreck for this young man; he guided him toward some much needed rest; settling him down on the couch; sitting with him til Tim allowed sleep to take him away from everything he'd been reliving and thinking about for the last couple of days.

**************************

Watching Tim sleep for a few minutes before he moved; Gibbs tried to gather his own irate thoughts and reconfigure what needed to be done next. Yeah; Tim had been thru hell; but dwelling on what he'd been thru; would not help him move on. Letting him get all of the emotional pain out had been one thing; a vital step toward getting him thru the minefield he was stuck in. What was more important; though; was getting Tim to understand his options and his network of friends that could help pick him up from where he had fallen. And whether or not he wanted it; help from the team was what he was gonna get. They didn't have to know the painful details of what he'd been thru; in order to help him. The first thing Gibbs needed to do; was make sure; nothing else needed to come from Tim; if he could get the information from Tony.

Taking a fresh cup of coffee and his cell phone out to the backyard; where he could keep an eye on Tim while not letting his conversation disturb him; breathing out a deep sigh; he called Tony.

"Hey, where are you?"

"_Well; hey, Boss; me and the ladies are having fun at Ducky's expense."_

"Tony!"

"_Boss, it's cool; Ducky's having fun, too. No worries."_

"Can you pull yourself away? Or do whatever you need to do for some space. I need to ask you some questions."

"_Everything okay over there, Gibbs?"_

"Yeah." Gibbs let out on a sigh. "Tony, I need for you to tell me everything you can that you haven't already told me. I don't want any part of this coming back to bite any of us in the ass."

"_Yeah. Sure. All right."_ Tony uneasily agreed as he launched into what he had previously left unsaid:

_*** Flashback***_

_Tony stood frozen in place; his heart stuck in his throat as he silently asked himself in overwhelming panic, Jesus; what the hell would Gibbs do right now? How did I do this when I was a cop? What did I say? But, damn it; this wasn't some coked up crook! This was his agent; his friend; his Probie! And his probie needed help and he needed it now! He hated it; but he had to just go with his gut on this one._

"_Tim." Tony quietly called out; "Tim. Buddy; you don't want to do this man. You really don't. Let me help you; whatever this is about; just let me help you, all right? Come on, now, let me help you. " _

_As he continued to calmly talk Tim down from the fatal decision he'd been in the process of making; Tony slowly but steadily walked over to his agent; crouched down in front of him and locked his eyes on him; waiting for Tim to refocus his own eyes and come back to the reality of what he was trying to do. Tony continued speaking to him in the quiet tone he'd started out in; restating the same things in a calm replay of themselves; as he slowly but surely reached out his hand; taking hold of Tim's wrist and calmly pulling it down away from his face; the weapon going down to his lap; with it. _

_Tim's eyes had come back into focus; locking onto Tony's own; bringing to the forefront; every ounce of raw; overwhelming; pain, anguish and resignation laid bare for Tony to bear witness to. Swallowing the painful lump in his throat; Tony had kept his hands busy on the weapon; not giving in to the agony Tim was obviously feeling; and the intense desire to wrap the distraught man in an embrace; fearing such unusual actions on his part would spook Tim. He kept quietly soothing Tim while calmly removing the gun from his hand and unloading it; placing the clip in his inside jacket pocket and tossing the now empty and safety-locked gun on to the far side of the bed._

_Tim just sat there; almost as if he was in a trance or a coma; his eyes not moving; even when Tony stood back up and quickly looked around the room. Hurriedly checking on Tim again; then moving around the room to quickly throw Tim's things together in the small suitcase that was on the chair._

_Tony soon had Tim packed and ready to leave this crappy hotel room; wanting to get him out of there yesterday. He'd already re-holstered his own weapon and carefully put Tim's__ gun in the suitcase and as soon as he got Tim to cooperate; they made it out to the car. The entire long car ride from that crappy hotel room in Silver Springs; to Tony's apartment in D.C. was the quietest; most nerve-wracking ride Tony had ever been in; that hadn't involved Gibbs._

_Speaking of Gibbs; Tony wished like hell the man was here now; feeling overwhelmingly ill-equipped to handle this situation; he likened it to drowning on dry land. This silence was oppressive and alarming and it was fraying on Tony's already rattled nerves. Tony couldn't remember the last time he'd been so damn scared; as he'd been when he first saw Tim trying to take his own life right in front of him. It was a feeling he hoped he never had to go thru again. His stomach was in knots and he felt sick. Tramping down on his churning chaotic thoughts; Tony forced himself to silently continue to drive._

_Once, in Tony's apartment, Tim managed to sit himself down on the couch; once again losing focus; his eyes going blank. Tony left him to it; for the moment. He needed to recuperate; at least for a minute. Think, DiNozzo! Think! What would Gibbs do, if he were standing here right now? Tony could almost hear Gibbs in his head._

"_DiNozzo!"_

"_Yeah, Boss?"_

"_Talk some sense into him!"_

"_I can't do this."_

"_You a quitter now?"_

"_This is different."_

"_He's quitting on himself, you're gonna let him get away with that? Thought I taught you better than that?"_

"_You're not here! You quit! Don't talk to me about being a quitter!"_

"_Don't make my mistakes, Tony."_

"_I don't know what to do, Boss."_

"_Tony!"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Help your brother back down off that ledge, son!"_

"_I don't know if can."_

"_Tony! _

"_Boss?_

"_Remember, they're __**your**__ team now!"_

"_Bet you're sorry bout that now, aren't ya, boss?"_

"_DiNozzo! I have faith in you. You can do this!"_

"_Thanks, Boss!"_

_Tony had picked up his cell phone to call Ducky; knowing he couldn't do this alone; knowing Tim should be seen by and talk to a doctor and Ducky fit both bills; and was family; he cared. Before he could finish hitting Ducky's speed dial #; Tim's eyes had snapped to him; over flowing with fear as he pleaded:_

"_**No!"**_

"_Tim, you need to talk to someone and I want you checked out by a doctor."_

"_Tony! This __**didn't**__ happen! PLEASE!"_

"_What exactly is it; that __**didn't**__ happen here, Tim?" Tony had pushed, as he put his phone away and went to sit down in the chair next to the couch; keeping his eyes locked on Tim's._

_As Tim began to explain to him; how he'd gotten to the point Tony had found him in; Tony had begun to come to an understanding of why he'd seen the changes come over his fellow agent since Gibbs had left. And although Tim explained about the dating; the twins; the party; the lost apartment, car, money and dog; the uncovered memory from the childhood trauma; he gave no fine details; in fact; wherever possible; he gave no__ details at all; skimming over the bare facts; keeping the most horrid of the necessary facts; especially the guys at the party; to the barest minimum._

_Tim had adamantly refused to go to any hospital or have anyone else from NCIS brought in on this. He had spoken of being extremely scared that once they became accessories to the knowledge that he'd attempted to take his own life; they would lose their jobs for not reporting it. And having it on record that this had happened; was the last thing in the world that this young genius wanted. He knew it would ruin him; ruin his career. He gave in to the emotional overload; and curled up into a ball and sobbed._

_Tony let him get his emotions out; knowing he'd be impossible to get thru to until he had done so. Once Tim had calmed down and regained his composure; Tony gently reminded him that reporting this would have less serious consequences than not reporting it. Tim was too freaked out by the possibility of it scarring his record; ruining his career. In fact; he was headed toward absolute panic over it; so Tony had dropped the conversation; agreeing; finally; after being unable to stand firm against Tim's heart-wrenching pleading. Tony had stipulated that Tim was to do things Tony's way; when it came to taking care of this situation. Tim had agreed. They had mutually agreed to keep every aspect of this situation strictly between the two of them; forever._

_In the following days; Tony had made phone calls; pulled strings; called in favors and even yanked chains to get the; physical belongings returned to Tim; including Jethro; and the case handed over to Metro. While taking care of the personal effects side of the situation; Tony had handed the taking care of Tim side of it; over to the rest of the team; most especially, Ducky; citing the incompetence of the Doctor who had given Tim his last physical. Also citing Tim's apparent need for help with eating and sleeping; he garnered Tim a place to sleep for the duration of the cleanup from the mess he'd found himself in. None of the team had been any the wiser; or had strayed into the territory of asking; if they had been._

_Within a week; Tim's apartment and car was returned to him; his accounts settled and things were getting back to normal for everyone. Everyone that is; except for Tim. While trying desperately to regain his equilibrium; he found himself unable to look anyone in the eye; unable to stop tripping over himself to thank Tony; and unable to let go of the self-recrimination and guilt. _

_Tony hadn't wanted the undying gratitude or the extreme level of guilt the man carried on his shoulders like a badge of dishonor. What he did want; what he demanded; in a verbal confrontation with Tim; a mere two weeks after that near tragic night; was for Tim to get himself to a shrink; stay working with that shrink; pick his head up off the ground; and let the team help him; especially Ducky. Tony had reminded him that there were ways to ask for help without revealing anything; you just had to think carefully before you open your mouth._

_Taking advantage of his "handling things my way" trump card over his fellow agent; Tony; having cautioned Tim from the beginning that he would be toughening up on the "Probie" routine; intent on helping Tim develop a thicker "Street smart" skin; now picked up the pace of this regime. It wasn't long before all of Tony's time; effort; and; let's face it; devotion; to helping Tim get his life back; began to have a positive affect on Tim. The old Tim was starting to come back; but there was still pieces of him missing; pieces that were part of that unspeakable "off limits" deeply painful area. _

_Tony could see it; knew what it was; and respectfully left him alone about it. He knew that Gibbs' ab__andonment was continuing to tear Tim apart. Having to be rescued and looked after; bullied and held up; by your nemesis-cum boss; was not an easy thing to swallow; or learn to accept gracefully; much less appreciate; and Tim was trying; that much was becoming obvious. It was also becoming obvious that somewhere along the way; Tim had been pushed beyond the line of gratitude; on up to grudging acceptance; and beyond that boundary on into resentment with the way Tony continued to stay on his case and never let up on him._

_The team kept Tony informed, whenever they had kept Tim company after work; that he was still being kept awake most nights. Apparently, not a night was going by that he wasn't having nightmares. He was at least eating better. Tony wanted to give Tim some time off; but was too concerned about what he would do with it. Not wanting to run the risk of Tim disappearing; or worse; having a relapse; more worryingly, a successful one; Tony, instead; opted to do what he thought Gibbs would do in this situation. He cracked down on the guy; sending him routinely and often to the gym for workout sessions; to the shooting range for target practice; and out in the field every day; pushing him; goading him to fight back from the teasing; staying on his case; day after day; all day. Even after Gibbs came back; he'd stayed on Probie's case; without explaining himself to a single soul. He took all of Tim's complaints on the chin; knowing the young man was still too close to trying to end it all; to let him off the hook; let him think for a second that he'd been forgotten. The extreme length that had been the norm for so long; got to be a comfortable place from which Tony operated. He thought he was doing the kid a favor._

_******************_

Gibbs thanked Tony for letting him in on everything. After making sure he was okay; he reminded the young man that he wanted the team back to the house for dinner at 7. Tony in turn; told Gibbs that Ducky actually wanted everyone over for dinner at 7. Gibbs agreed to it and promised he and Tim would be there.

Once he'd gotten off the phone with Tony; Gibbs breathed out a sigh of discouragement. He recalled something Tim had said to him before he'd drifted off to sleep earlier;

_Tony's harassment wasn't helping. It was worse than when I first came to the team; everyday some piece of me wanted to be back in that hotel room; embracing the courage to follow thru on what I'd started to do that night. I was stuck in an emotional vacuum without a kill switch. I have never found the strength to let go of that desire to do it. The nightmares won't go away and I don't know how much more I can handle, Boss. _

Apparently his boys had been inadvertently working against each other; almost to their breaking points in their daily struggles; Tony pushing Tim toward strength; with Tim desperately pulling away from what he perceived as extreme and unnecessary torment. As a result; their relationship had been torn apart at the seams. There was some serious repair work needed on this front.

_I had promised you that I would never do this; and I'd forsaken that promise. Remembering that now broken promise to you; only reminded me of the absolute failure that I'd become! _

Gibbs recalled that conversation he and Tim had had; back when that Cryptologist had been murdered and her C.O. had made mention of the fine line between Genius and Insanity. Tim had made that promise in an effort to reassure Gibbs that he wasn't like that; wasn't straddling that line. Gibbs wiped an errant tear from his face. No, Tim McGee was not straddling that line; he'd been shoved over it and held there; on the brink; and it was high time to bring him back.

Looking at his watch; Gibbs let out another sigh. Here it was Three O'clock; he'd been on the phone and lost in thought for almost two hours and it had been extremely quiet in the house. It was time to check on Tim. Turning his thoughts to Tim; Gibbs gut began to twist. Something was off. Sure enough; when he got back to the living room; the couch was empty. Reaching the kitchen; he saw the note.

_Boss:_

_I need some time to think. ---Tim_.

_Damn it!_ Quickly, he called the young man; praying he would answer.

"Boss?" Tim's strained voice still sounded exhausted.

"_**Tim, where the hell are you?"**_ Gibbs didn't hide the anxiousness he felt.

"Staring out at the water; listening to the seagulls."

"_Tim..."_

"_Boss, I'm okay. Really."_

"Okay. Good. We still need to talk about the meeting with the Director."

"Boss? It's been a long 24 hours. Get some rest. I'll see you at Ducky's at 7. And thank you."

"_You call me if you need anything!"_

"I will, Boss."

"_All right. Ducky's at 7."_ Gibbs signed off.

Gibbs frowned, it was obvious, Tim was still exhausted and if the tone of his voice was anything to go by; then his nerves were still pretty frazzled around the edges, too. Hopefully, he'd find some peace of mind; letting the sea calm him; like it usually seemed to do. Gibbs wasn't happy about Tim's decision to just up and disappear like that; but he hadn't wanted to push him any more; the guy had been thru a hell of a lot; gotten a hell of a lot of baggage off his chest; and deserved the space to work out for himself whatever he could.

In an attempt to take advantage of the hours he had available to him before the gang met for dinner; Gibbs put some effort into catching up on some much needed sleep. His mind; however; had other ideas. Restlessly; the events and the conversations and the confessions of the last 24 hours echoed thru the vast canyon disguised underneath that short crop of hair.; not giving him a moment's peace. It was clear that he needed to take some time to assemble it all into some kind of order before the chaos of it all overwhelmed him. Giving up on getting any nap out of the ordeal; he headed toward the one place he could think and constructively get anything soothing done at the same time.

One look at his boat; however; and Gibbs found; instead of peace; the remnants of that painful admission from Tony; of what Tim had had been thru; what both his boys had been thru; and what Tim had almost done; while Gibbs had been hiding in Mexico. That's exactly how he considered his four month retirement now; hearing what hell his boys had been living through with his decision having been throughst on them the way it had been. It left him feeling like a cold, unfeeling bastard; discounting what those four months had done for his own troubled soul and wounded body. Yeah, he may have desperately needed that time to recuperate in more ways than one; but apparently; his boys had needed him more.

Wiping yet another stray tear out of his eye; Gibbs shifted his thoughts. Yeah; the guys may have needed him; but he wouldn't have been any good to anyone back then; and as close of a call as it had been; that he'd only come back to one of them; they had; in fact; both been here when he got back. And despite the less than stellar decisions Gibbs had made since he'd been back; he'd been given a second chance to do it right; for both of his boys.

The simple fact that Tim had admitted needing him to lean on; and had indeed leaned on him when given the chance; proved that the precious bonds of trust hadn't been totally severed and for that Leroy Jethro Gibbs was immeasurably thankful. Being able to let the young man get all of his locked up pain and misery; memories and horrors; had not only been medicinal for Tim; but, it had also been a whopper of an eye opener for Gibbs. There certainly had been nothing simple about it.

Never again; would he so callously assume that his agents; anyone on his team; was capable of just sucking up everything and anything that was thrown at them. They were all human and all emotionally fragile at some points in life. Their jobs were dangerous and stressful enough; without anyone adding this callous disregard for their emotional well-being into the mix. Gibbs vowed; it would never happen again.

There was no escaping the fact that Tim had been through hell; more than once; if you looked at all the facts he'd presented. Gibbs was amazed that the young man had held so much pain inside for so long and so quietly. Tim, was still trying to regain his equilibrium and would need help to find it. Gibbs had every intention of making sure he had all the help he needed to get there. The young man had been through enough of this alone; from here on in; there would be no more excuses for it. Gibbs, of all people; knew what holding this in; or even trying to get through it alone; could do to a person. He also knew what it felt like to be where Tim had been that near fatal night. While it was certainly true that their situations were polar opposites; the end result had been the same. He was the walking example of _how_ not to handle grief; alone and closed up. Tim was the walking example of _why_ it shouldn't be handled alone and closed up. Gibbs found himself feeling grateful that he could actually let the young man know; that someone knew exactly what he was feeling; what it felt like; and what it was like to get back down off that ledge.

Tony had also been through his own hell; in trying to help Tim get back from his lowest point. Gibbs was so damn proud of both of them. He had known Tony had it in him to rise to the occasion; and he'd done it; but he'd have never wished it on him; for it to be at the extreme level that it had been for him. Tony had proven himself worthy of being the Team Leader Gibbs had trusted him to be.

**************************

Tim had only managed to catch a short cat nap when he'd fallen asleep on Gibbs' couch. He hadn't been able to escape his persistent memories; even after he'd hoisted them onto Gibbs' mighty shoulders. Ruthlessly; they had pursued him into his slumber and dreams; mercilessly stealing what precious peace of mind he managed to find. This had been going on for months now; there was no escape in sight. Tim had been desperately hoping that letting Gibbs in on what he was living through; would send them packing; but; once again; hope was proving to be highly overrated; and now seemed to be downright elusive, at best.

Feeling exhausted and angry; he'd left Gibbs a note; and driven himself here; where he could look out over the peaceful waters of the bay; and let his mind go; no constraints; not attention; no censure; just complete unthinking vagueness; with no intentional thought process in the works.

For all of five minutes; before the anger began to resurface; so intense it burned its' way up from the cinders of his battered soul; Tim had felt relaxed. But, now? Now, he was angry! Now, released from captivity; his anger raged. Singe wore away at the memories and the horrors wouldn't leave him in peace; not even for a minute! Sick of it all; the whole ball of wax had been the driving force behind his inability to step down from that place; the place where the end of life seemed like the only resolution to this deeply embedded problem. The relentless need to end it all had so encompassed his life for so long; he now felt helpless to move on; suddenly finding it difficult to even breathe; on his own.

Forcing himself to calm and control his breathing; Tim reigned his calamitous thoughts in; bringing them more in focus. Their jobs; Tim worried; would their jobs be secure? Tim knew that Gibbs would do his damnedest to make sure their jobs were safe.

But, what about Tony? Tim knew that he and Tony still needed to talk things over; there was much to say; giving free reign to his ordeal earlier had reinforced all that Tony had done for him; all the things left unsaid between them now began to plague him. And the endless barrage of memories and haunting flicks of film stills; of the horrors he couldn't run from; just wouldn't leave him alone; not even in his wakefulness.

The only thing that Tim knew for certain now; was that he could not talk to a shrink! There was no way in hell; he'd be able to talk about this stuff; even one more time. It would be more than he could handle. That being realized; the uncertainty of what came next was frightening. Thankfully; he managed to hold onto the promise that Gibbs had given him earlier; that he was no longer alone in this. Feeling the sudden intense need to hear the voice behind that promise; that comforting voice of reason through the backdrop of his warring thoughts; Tim whipped out his phone and hit Gibbs' speed dial #.

Hearing it ring once; Tim quickly lost his nerve; changed his mind; and disconnected the call; only vaguely hearing the call being picked up as he was disconnecting it. Finding himself at a total loss as to what he would say; he was too embarrassed to follow through on it. Breathing out a sigh of frustration; Tim closed his eyes to the world; his head resting on his upraised knees; as he let the soothing sounds of the water calm his troubled mind. Lulled by the serenity surrounding him; Tim McGee fell asleep where he sat.

Gibbs tried not to let his concern get carried away. Seeing that it was Tim who had rung his phone just the one ring before disconnecting the call; had immediately set off alarm bells; but Gibbs quickly turned them off with the knowledge that Tim would have stayed on the line and spoken to him; if he was in trouble. Calming his worry did not stop him from getting in his car and heading to the nearest place he expected to find his agent. Thankfully; his expectations were on target; as he realized when he spotted Tim's car and parked beside it.

Walking down toward the water; he had to smile; there the young man sat; his troubled surrogate son; asleep with his head resting on his upraised knees; his peaceful face turned toward the parking area. Gibbs knew that as much as Tim needed the sleep; getting it this way; would only give the guy kinks in his body that he didn't need. Quietly, he sat down beside the guy; figuring that the presence of another person would sufficiently wake him without scaring him needlessly.

Sensing that he was no longer alone; smelling the sawdust and coffee that suddenly was keeping him company; Tim woke up with a smile on his face. Brought calmly out of his surprisingly peaceful sleep; back into the wakeful reality of things yet to be dealt with; Tim could only turn and look at Gibbs; his unspoken apology written on his face.

Gibbs nodded his head in silent acceptance of the apology and then quietly asked him. "Wanna talk about it?"

Tim silently turned his head and looked out over the water; again letting it cast its' calm over him. After a long silent moment; he let go of what was still bothering him; not letting go of his view of the calming water;

"I thought that when I had told you what happened; both accounts; the nightmares; the flashbacks; the damn photographic clips; the never ending movie reel replaying in my head; would leave; that I would finally find some real peace of mind; get some real sleep!"

"That's why you're here; because you still can't sleep." Gibbs acknowledged his understanding of Tim's problem. "It's the reason you haven't been able to move past any of this."

"I don't know how to turn it off. Every time I close my eyes; some piece of it is always there"

"Tim, when's the last time you changed the movie reel?"

Tim looked at him in total confusion.

Gibbs smiled at him; "Make new memories, Tim. Literally, go watch new movies." Turning serious, he then told him; "Trash the old ones! They're no good!"

Silently, Tim let Gibbs' suggestion reverberate through his brain for a minute.

Taking advantage of this silence; Gibbs took out his phone and made a phone call.

"Tony! You guys got any movies over at Ducky's?" Yeah? Something we can all enjoy; get a good laugh at?" Good! Let Ducky know we'll be needing to see that movie before dinner! Set it up, DiNozzo! We're on our way! Oh, and Tony? Make sure the one you're talking about is a comedy! No drama allowed tonight!"

Snapping his phone shut; Gibbs looked at Tim; to find the young man grinning at him in actual amusement. Since it was the first time he'd seen that happen in well over 24 hours; Gibbs could not help but smile in return.

It was time to go have some fun.


	20. The End is Near

_A/N: _**WARNING**: Mention of non-consensual adult situations; child abuse; and suicide

DISCLAIMER: I do not own NCIS or its' characters. I just play with them on paper.

****************************

A relaxing evening of a movie; dinner and bonding with the team seemed to be just what the Doctor ordered. Considering dinner was taking place at Ducky's; there was no escaping the humor in that pun; when it crossed Gibbs' mind in the midst of the after dinner poker game the team laughing their way through.. He silently looked at each member of his team; his surrogate family; and took the time to sink his thoughts into what he saw in them at that moment.

Tony; while animated and exuberant as usual; had lingering pain in his eyes. This ordeal wasn't over for him by a long shot. Dinner had been a jovial experience with him playing the jester; but Gibbs hadn't missed the lack of spark in his eyes. He wore his masks well; but Gibbs knew the man behind those masks; and that man needed some closure. Gibbs promised silently; that this would be taken care of 1st thing tomorrow. This would not get dragged out for another day.

Abby; while naturally bubbly and extroverted; seemed to have toned it down a notch; obviously affected by the events of the previous evening and unsettled; probably would be until Tim was back behind his desk at work. Even through dinner; she'd not been at her normal level of intensity. The seriousness of Tim almost leaving; coupled with Gibbs getting in trouble for that departure; had seriously shaken her up. Gibbs vowed to go the extra mile to rebuild the cohesiveness on this team. It was vital that that be there; since they counted on each other for their safety.

Ziva: while usually quiet and reserved; joking only when she perceived it was the right atmosphere to do it in; had yet to display any humor; except when it pertained to the game or movie at hand. Dinner had been a quiet affair for her. Gibbs had actually been a little concerned about her. He had thought that Tim's apology to her would have taken away any of her lingering issues with him. Now, Gibbs wasn't so sure.

Ducky seemed to be taking everything in and processing it; barely participating in the surrounding conversation, but still managing to keep a smile on his face; and his head in the game. Dinner had been a joy for him; it had been written all over his face; having the team there; being able to spend the evening in good company; instead of solitude; had lifted the good M.E.'s spirits; as had the obvious signs of improvement in Tim's demeanor. Gibbs had not missed the discerning glances Ducky had cast at the young man; needing to see for himself that the youngest agent was faring well through the thick and thin of it all.

Gibbs could have sworn he'd seen a glimmer of hurt in the older man's eyes as he'd silently looked at Tim. Gibbs knowing that Tim had made the most difficult choice of all; the one to exclude Ducky from everything.; made it that much more painful for him to see how it affected the M.E. Gibbs knew that Tim's heart had been in the right place and that it had made what he had been going through 100 times more difficult for him to go through it; and he felt confident that Ducky would understand once he knew the reason behind being excluded.

Gibbs was relieved to have gotten this far in dealing with the fallout; especially taking into consideration; the magnitude of what Tim had been holding in and silently trying to live with. Watching the young man actually enjoy the evening with his co-workers; for the first time since Gibbs returned from Mexico; was a blessing and a sight for sore eyes. Seeing Tim; in the midst of the activities and conversations around him; notice the little nuances his co-workers were silently sending out; made Gibbs proud of the young man. Sure, they were all having fun; but, they were all still on edge and it was something that needed to be understood.

Did the unspoken issues between them need to be hauled out into the open and laid bare for them to hash out? Gibbs thought it would be best and was itching to just rip it out there. Since he didn't want to ruin their fun; or be forever written down in their memories as a spoilsport as well as a bastard; he sat on that itch and just kept playing the game; silently and watchfully; looking after his family.

The last hurdle, as far as Gibbs was concerned; was a big one; though, not as big or nearly devastating as the ones Tim had already cleared. Before they could put this whole situation to rest; Tim and Tony needed to talk things out. There was no way to do that with any expectation of success unless they had more time to do it in. Since Tony had to work; and Friday was only 3 days away; Gibbs needed to change the rules.

Calling for a break; Gibbs got Ducky's attention and motioned that he was going to the man's study to make a call. Ducky took the opportunity to haul them all into the kitchen for snacks. Gibbs hit the speed dial # and prayed she would answer the call.

"_Jethro."_

"Jen"

"_I trust you're calling me with good news?"_

"Could be, Jen. I need a favor first though."

"_Your bank of favors is empty, Jethro."_

"Jen, this is important."

"_Yes, Jethro; your favors usually are. What is it this time?"_

"Give Tony tomorrow off."

"_Jethro, he's on your team. That's your call. You know this."_

"Just keeping you in the loop, Director."

"_I appreciate it. How's progress?"_

"We're fine, Jen. I would like you to do one other thing for me though. For Tim, actually."

"_I'm listening."_

"Don't make him wait until Friday to talk to you about this. Don't drag this out for him."

"_Fine. Tell him he can call and set up the appointment sooner through Cynthia, when he's ready. But, Jethro; he had better be ready. And you had better be ready, too."_

"I know, Jen. I know.

"_Good night, Jethro."_

"Night, Jen. And thanks."

*********************

Closing his phone and heading back out to the living room; Gibbs busted everyone's bubble.

"Wrap it up; tomorrow's work as usual."

Supervising the ladies leaving; and the guys helping Ducky clean up; Gibbs was relieved that no one put up a fight. Although he'd been sorely tempted to make them hash this all out tonight; he was secretly happy to put it off; hopefully giving him the space to conquer the problems one team member at a time.

When Tim and Gibbs reached Gibbs' house shortly before Tony; they waited for the Senior Field Agent before getting out of the car. The wait was a quiet one; each lost in their own thoughts. It was a comfortable silence. Once Tony got there; Tim got out of the car and said his "good night to both men and started toward his own car; intent on going home; needing to be quick about it before he made a fool of himself; trying to dig up reasons and ways to stay; so he didn't have to be alone tonight; alone with the dreams and memories he didn't trust were gone. He found his way blocked by Gibbs; as his boss stepped into his path and quietly asked him:

"Where you goin?"

"Home, Boss."

"Is that what you want?"

"I have to handle this on my own sometime, Boss."

"Tim, do you really think you're ready to face the possibility that those dreams won't leave you alone? I can see that you made a great effort to take my suggestions and put them to good use; but are you ready to go it alone?"

Even in the bright combined lamplight of the driveway and front steps; the look on Tim's face was readable. The young man was _not_ looking forward to going home; alone. He _wasn't_ sure he could handle it. But it wasn't his nature to outright ask for the security of not being alone.

"Come-on; you can take the guest room again. You and Tony need to talk tomorrow; anyway." Gibbs directed. "I'm giving him the day off. This needs to be completely taken care of by the end of the day tomorrow.

Tim's relief was almost palpable; and most definitely short-lived. It took a mere minute for the fear to write itself across the young man's features.

"What?" Gibbs asked; beginning to lose the battle with both his patience and exhaustion.

"I don't every want him seeing any of that stuff. But, you know how he gets; and how I get. He pushes and I wind up telling him stuff I never meant to. How am I supposed to keep that from happening?"

"Tim. It's understandable that there's parts of this that belong to you and only you; and I'll respect your letting me in on them; I'm not asking you or expecting you to forsake your need to keep it that way. I have faith in you; that you'll be able to stand your ground with him. You've certainly stood it with me in the last 36 hours. Don't sell yourself short like this" Gibbs' tone had softened with complete understanding.

"He probably hates me. He's never spoken to me except work stuff; since that night."

_*SMACK*_

"Thanks Boss." Tim meekly gave out as he watched Gibbs silently turn and walk toward the house.

Tim silently followed Gibbs into the house; feeling like he'd just grievously errored and wouldn't be able to recover. Walking through the house; they found Tony sitting in the living room; lost in his thoughts. Tim respectfully and silently took himself off to the guest room; to get ready for bed; while Gibbs sat down to talk to Tony. But he decided to give him a few minutes to see if he came back to the here and now on his own. Closing his eyes as he waited; Gibbs took a full five minutes to relax before he decided to pull Tony away from his troubled thoughts.

"Hey."

"Oh. Hey, Boss."

"Tony, what's going on with you?"

"He all right?"

"He's still having serious trouble sleeping; so I want him to crash here tonight; so we can keep an eye on him. The two of you have a lot to talk about; anyway. That's why I'm giving you tomorrow off; the two of you need to buddy up tomorrow; talk; hang out; make peace." Gibbs quietly explained.

"Gibbs!" Tony was feeling put out; having not had any say in this sudden plan to force him and Tim to hash things out.

"_**Tony, listen to me! Both of you have been through a hell of a lot of fallout from that night. And both of you have been continuing to suffer from it; silently and alone; I might add. I've seen first hand what this has been costing you. Even though you've never said a word; never told me anything; don't think I haven't seen; the sleepless nights; the battles to stay quiet when it's obvious you have a burning need to discuss something; the hard stares you've sent his way during the working hours. Your fight to stay tight-lipped has definitely not gone unnoticed."**_

Gibbs had all but lost his grip on his long dormant parental emotions; despite his desperate attempt to hang on to them. Exhaustion beginning to sink into his bones; his voice had risen as he gave one last effort to try to lay it out on the line for the young man in front of him.

"_**Both of you are like sons to me, Tony**_**; **_**and both of my sons have suffered long enough**_!" Gibbs' voice broke and he took a deep breath and turned and left the room; needing to get away from the conversation that had gotten the parental lion within him roaring.

Tony was speechless. Gibbs had never let his emotions out so freely before. It was downright scary. It didn't seem like Gibbs at all. The intensity Gibbs had thrown into his words; struck a chord in Tony. He always knew the man cared about his team; loved Tony; but this? This was news to Tony; although, truth be told it wasn't big news. Tony had long suspected he thought of all of them as his kids. He had just never stopped to realize that Gibbs feeling that way about them meant hurting when they hurt. _Oh, man!_

Tim who had heard it all; as he'd come out of the bedroom; froze in his tracks; the overwhelming guilt washing over him in waves; filling his eyes with tears he thought he'd seen the last of; as Gibbs' words wreaked havoc on him. Realization hit him like a ton of bricks. Tony had been affected by all of this; much more than he'd realized; and it was all due to Tim's stupid inability to cope! _You can't get much guiltier than that!_

Gibbs rounded the corner toward the bathroom and almost ran over the agent frozen in place. It only took a glance for Gibbs to see that this young man had heard enough; his world was once again starting to crumble; the weight of freshly poured guilt tearing it apart. Gibbs was not about to let that happen. He didn't want these kids bury their pain; he'd learned from the stupidity of handling emotions that way and the buck was gonna stop with him. Stomping down on his rising marine tendency to start yelling at them; he took the time to calm down and re-engage his mind; before he said or did anything. Both of his boys were standing on a ledge right now; and the last thing they wanted was for either of them to feel the need to jump.

"Hey." Gibbs calmly and quietly greeted Tim "Tim. Listen to me, all right? You hear me?"

Tim blinked and looked at Gibbs; nodding in answer to the man's question.

You are not responsible! You're wearing the guilt like tomorrow's shirt; take it off! No one holds you responsible for someone else's emotions.

Tim shot him a look of pure incredulousness. "How can you not? How can he not?"

Gibbs smiled softly and put his arms around Tim's shoulders; guiding him back toward the living room and Tony.

"Simple, Tim. Because I know what both of you are going through. And I'm going to let both of you in on something that doesn't leave this room.

Directing Tim to sit down on the couch with Tony; Gibbs took a second to gather his wits. He had never wanted to share this with anyone. But, somehow; it seemed only right that it come to light now; where these two guys could most learn from it all. It certainly wasn't helping anyone, hiding in the dark.

"Both of you listen to me. That night was hell for both of you. The road leading up to that night was hell for Tim; several times over; and it wasn't a cake walk for Tony either. And we all know that's it been a hellishly difficult road back. I don't want either of you to get bogged down in blame or anything else over this.. Believe it or not; I've been where _both_ of you were that night."

"I've literally been on both sides of that barrel."

Tony and Tim looked at him in complete and utter shock; color leaving their faces. Gibbs eyes never wavered; steadily locked on both of them. "When I got home from Kuwait; the loss of Shannon and Kelly was so recent; so raw; it felt like I had just missed being able to save them. I couldn't get Kelly's voice out of my head. The last thing she ever said to me was when she begged me not to leave." Gibbs quietly admitted; pain clearly residing in his tone.

Taking a minute to regain his emotional stability; Gibbs closed his eyes to allow himself to regroup. Opening his eyes; he laid it all out on the table for the agents in front of him.

Gibbs looked directly at Tim; "YOU need to be thankful Tony was able to save you.!"

Gibbs looked directly at Tony: "YOU need to be thankful you were able to save him!"

Looking at both of them together; he finished what he had to say with the understatement of the week.

"Both of you need to move on from here! Together! As a united front! Tomorrow you will both spend the day talking to each other; working out everything that is still hanging out there between you; keeping you from being that united team!"

Tony and Tim felt the weight of responsibility land on their shoulders with a resounding thud. Looking at each other and then at their boss; who was so not acting like himself; it was unnerving; they decided to let him see; they weren't as obtuse as he had given them credit for. Together, they looked at each other and then at their boss.

"Yes. Boss!" Their tandem answer; given with the utmost calmness and respect for their fearless leader; calmed Gibbs' need for this discussion to go any further. He knew right then; that everything would work out just fine. The promise of that was written all over his boys' faces.

"Good. Now that we're clear on that; it's time to call it a day and get some sleep. Tim; Director Shepard said that you can call Cynthia and reset the meeting for sooner if you want it. Let me know what the final time/date is, huh?"

"Thanks, Boss. I'll let you know." Tim quietly answered; still surprised by this piece of information.

"All right. Night gentlemen." Gibbs left them and took himself up to his room; needing to crash before he burned out completely.

******************

Tim and Tony were both feeling shell shocked. Tim was also more than talked out for the day and needed time to process what Gibbs had just confessed. He quietly told Tony good night; and without giving him time to do anything about it; he left the room; headed for the guest room.

Tony could only take his shoes off and curl up on the couch; under a blanket; too shocked by what Gibbs had admitted to do anything else.

Three grown men; each confronted with the fragility of their fellow team members; now unbeknownst to any of them; all suffered with the same problem; too much on their minds to sleep. Somehow, they all managed to solve their shared problem in the same way; choosing to let their mind wander without focus; until at long last; each one gave up trying to find something to pick at; and succumbed to sleep.

*****************

Apparently, having a relaxing evening with the team; or maybe having the short but powerful conversation with Gibbs and Tony; had been enough; at least for one night; to chase away Tim's resident nightmares and haunting memories. He managed to peacefully sleep through the night. Looking at him now; watching him sleep without trouble or sorrow; Gibbs could only smile with both relief and pride. It had been a tremendously hellish ride for this kid; but he'd made it. He was here and he was okay. The sudden thought crossed Gibbs mind; of what it would have been like to have come back; from Mexico, to a different ending to that near-fatal night.

Gibbs shook his head to clear away that painful thought. While it wasn't irrelevant; it certainly wasn't the focus of the here and now. Making sure that these boys patched their torn relationship up nice and air-tight; was the here and now. Gibbs knew that barring this being accomplished; the last remaining hurdle to getting things back to normal; as well as could be expected; at work; would be the damn meeting with Jenny. That thought brought the smile off Gibbs' face. Yeah, he'd have to figure out a battle plan for that one today.

Tim had been right; if anyone had let it get out that he'd tried to take his own life; he'd have been yanked out of the field; probably off the team; and possibly out of a career; faster than his head could have even begun to spin. Sitting on such information; made Tony prime candidate for much worse than a formal reprimand; in his own right.

While it had been totally unfair of Tim to back Tony into that corner; Gibbs certainly understood why he'd done it. And since he did understand; Gibbs wanted to do whatever he could to get this situation resolved as quietly and non-descriptively as possible. No information would be volunteered. Only directly asked questions would be answered; but they couldn't be obvious about it.

While Gibbs in no way condoned half-truths or lies of omission; neither de he condone dire consequences for these boys being human and fragile; and more deeply affected by changes in their lives than they'd been prepared to handle. When you got right down to the bottom line; if someone was gonna shoulder the official repercussions; it would have to start with him. He'd brought about this domino effect chain of events; he should suffer the fallout. It was bad enough that his boys had already had to suffer their own fallout. Enough was enough.

This would be settled once and for all by the end of the day. Gibbs, once again; found himself wishing he could see the end of the film; anxious to be done with it all.


	21. Water Under The Bridge

A/N: I apologise for the delay.

DISCLAIMER: I Do not own NCIS or its characters.

* * *

Seven O'Clock found Gibbs buried under paperwork at NCIS; and Tony and Tim both lost in their own thoughts as they ate their way through a breakfast of milk and cereal. Silently cleaning up after themselves; both seemed to be no closer to figuring out how to even take the first step toward bridging the gap that was currently between them.

There had been so much misunderstood between them. Too much antagonistic history; too much of a lot of negativity under the bridge; yet the fact that the bridge was still standing; and that the team was counting on them to repair this gap; Gibbs had told them he was "Trusting them"; meant that at this; they were not allowed to fail.

What was it someone had said; "Nothing beats a failure but a try?" Well, where to begin? Neither seemed to know. It was too early in the game for checkmate; something needed to give. As they both sat lost in their own confused notions of who needed to say what; Tim's cell phone rang. Looking at the caller i.d; he was surprised at the name he saw there. He quickly took himself outside to answer this call; he needed the space to speak freely;

"Boss?"

"_Tim; how's it going?"_

"It's not, Boss."

"_Whattaya mean?"_

"Neither one of us; apparently; knows where to start."

"_Tim, have you considered letting him in on just how much you were carrying around on your shoulders? Or, ask him to do the same; tell you what he was carrying around on his? I know letting him in is an issue for you; but think about it like this._

"_You want to feel like everyone on this team has your back. Just remember; everything that you need from this team; they need from you, too."_ Gibbs quietly reminded him.

"Thanks, Boss."

"_Sure thing. Now, I want to hear a different answer to my question; when I call back next time."_ Gibbs ordered patiently.

"On it, Boss." Tim promised with a smile in his voice.

"_All right; let me talk to Tony."_

Tim walked into the house and handed a silently brooding Tony his cell phone.

Tony silently took the phone and took himself out back from where Tim had just come; taking his own turn at having the space to talk freely.

"Boss?"

"_Tony, what's wrong? I thought you needed to talk to him? You know you have to talk about it_." Gibbs quietly asked; concern evident in his voice.

"Gibbs; I don't want this to turn ugly; we have the potential to really hurt each other here; and the more I think about it; the more I don't like the idea of trying to talk to him about anything alone." Tony's voice was quiet enough that Gibbs was less than comfortable about the way things were going. Tony was using his at home tone and openeness. It said a lot more to Gibbs than the little that Tony had said.

"_All right; it can wait for a while; just hang out; watch a movie together or something."_ Gibbs quietly let him off the hook; this wasn't gonna work out if he pushed too hard.. He'd find another way.

"Thanks, Boss." Tony's chipper response almost brought a smile to Gibbs' face. There was just a little too much at stake for it to quite be humorous though; and Gibbs hung up the call; and set about making plans to help things along. It may be fairly early in the morning; but; drastic situations called for drastic measures; and this certainly qualified in Gibbs' book.

With instructions to Ziva that she catch up on paperwork and man the phones; and the promise to bring lunch back with him; he headed to the home front to see what could be done to move things along and keep them peaceful.

Twenty minutes later found Gibbs walking silently into a peaceful; yet tense atmosephere. While Tony had indeed taken his suggestion and popped a movie in and was comfortably watching it; Tim; was no where to be seen. With the stealth and silence; his years of training had taught him; Gibbs searched the house for Tim; finding him laying out on the guest bed; staring at the ceiling. It wasn't the silence that disturbed Gibbs; it was the air of barely concealed emotion that seemed to fill the air; from both of his agents. Even though they were rooms apart from each other; you could still feel it in the air.

Gibbs decided to start with the agent in front of him.

"_Hey."_ He greeted quietly as he walked into the room. Closing the bedroom door behind him; he pulled the chair up to the bed; and sat down facing an extremely startled Tim.

"Boss." Tim managed when he'd gotten his heart beating again.

"_Talk to me."_ Gibbs requested.

"Whatever I say to him; is gonna be too little too late; and will probably be taken wrong anyway."

"_That all of it"_

No. But, it's the biggest part; the part keeping me from saying even the 1st thing."

"_So, this has nothing to do with wether or not you're ready to actually let him in?"_

"No. I mean. if I even think on that; I cant' think straight." Tim's honesty was insightful; and Gibbs knew he just needed someone to break this open for him; which was an easy fix.

"_Come on."_ He patted Tim's foot; hanging off the edge of the bed; as he got up and walked out of the bedroom. Making sure his agent had followed him; he walked out to the living room and greeted Tony.

When Tony had recovered his breath; he sat up and turned the movie off. Waiting with bated breath; he watched Tim come out from behind Gibbs and move to sit down on the couch.

"_All right. Apparently, neither one of you feel capable of talking things out without a mediator. Since I'm the one that knows what's going on with both you guys; I'm it. Again. Let's get this show on the road. My rules this time are simple; I ask you to speak; you do it. You need a break; you say so. No lies; no half-truths. If you're not prepared to answer a question; say so. Questions?_

Both Tony and Tim shook their heads.

"_Tony, as former Team Leader; and the person who carried the burden of that leadership; and all that went with it; the floor is yours. Let's hear it. I'll make it easy on you. Start with a question if you have one."_

Tony took a deep breath and slowly let it out as he looked at Gibbs. "All right." Turning his eyes on Tim he asked him what he'd been wanting to ask him for a long time. "Why did you fight so hard against all the things I was trying to use to keep you on your toes so you wouldn't have to be rescued again?"

Tim also took a deep breath and slowly let it out; taking even longer to feel comfortable getting in to this. When he did speak; it was obvious he was treading very carefully with each word he spoke.

"Tony; when you started treating me like the newbie all over again…" Tim stopped for a second as he struggled to find the words. "It felt like I had been demoted. There was no sense of being looked out for; more a sense of being tripped up every chance you got; because there wasn't enough fun on the job; or you didn't feel empowered enough; without it being at my expense."

"It was never that I didn't appreciate you saving me from myself that night. It was more "what was the point?" Everyday, I asked myself "what was the point of you saving my life that night; if this was all there was to my life?"" When he'd finished trying to explain himself; his eyes found his shoes and couldn't seem to move.

Tony was too dumbfounded to speak for a minute. It struck him as funny; ironic funny; not humerous funny; that he and Tim had been at such extreme opposites of understanding about this for so long. The only problem was there was no humor in this irony; too much had happened. Obviously, he'd failed; not in keeping Tim from being his own worst enemy; but; from successfully helping him see that he was cared about and important to them.

Still, Tony felt like Tim had missed the boat entirely. The past few months weren't supposed to be an easy walk in the park for Tim. But damn it; they weren't supposed to be so damn hard on Tony either!

"What was the point? What was the point? I'll tell you what the point was! I kept it difficult for you; to keep you on your toes!"

"Tony, too much; is too much!"

"I was trying to build you up; not coddle you!"

"I already had enough to deal with; you weren't helping!"

"What the **HELL** else did **YOU** have to deal with?"

Tim sent a helpless look of desperation over to Gibbs; before he laid his head back against the back of the couch. It was obvious Tony was really pissed already; and they'd only been at this for a couple of minutes.

"_Hey."_ Gibbs quiet call for attention snapped Tim's eyes open and moving over to Gibbs' face.

"Boss, I told you, I can't do this." Tim softly admitted; pain and conviction evident within his voice.

"_Tony's out back cooling off. You and I need to talk."_ Gibbs reassured him.

"Though we already did."

"_Tim, you want some real understanding to happen here; you're gonna have to open up. I'll be right here. I won't let it get ugly."_

"You won't be able to stop how it affects him; how it changes the way he treats me once he knows."

"_You're right; and I said I respected your need for privacy; I'm not trying to push; but I am trying to get the two of you to figure each other out a little better._

"I'll try, Boss." Tim wearily gave in; praying he wouldn't have to delve too deep into things.

Gibbs called Tony back inside and sat him down once again.. "_Okay. Tony; any more questions?"_

"Boss, can I…?" Tim asked; wanted to get off his chest what he could; both to hopefully move things along; and to let Tony know something that might help him.

"_Tony?"_ Gibbs asked; leaving the ball in the Senior Field Agent's court.

"Yeah, sure, go ahead; speak." Tony was unwilling to discuss this further; but he knew Gibbs wouldn't let him crawl out of it until it was done.

"Tony, I admit; ever since that night; I have not very often thought of things from what could have been your persepective. However; after overhearing what Gibbs said to you last night; I realized that you've had a hard time with this too; albeit; for completely different reasons than I have; but difficult just the same. And I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making this hard on you. I'm sorry I asked you to keep everything a secret. I put you in a bad position and for that I am sorry."

"And thank you. Thank you for allowing yourself to save me from myself that night. Thank you for being there; for holding me up; for putting everything you had into looking out for me. It's not your fault that you didn't realize why I was taking it the wrong way."

Tim stopped for a minute. He figured that just about covered everything.

Tony was flabbergasted. Tim had just summed up everything Tony had needed to hear in lump serving. Not one for dragging things out; Tony actually felt satisfied that what he'd been thru had finally been noted and appreciated by the one he'd done it for. Yeah, the road to get here had been extremely rough going; and emotionally draining; but it was done. It was over. Almost. There was just one piece that didn't fit yet.

"Thank you, Tim. I've needed to hear that for a while now. I just have one question and then I'm good. We can consider this settled."

"I may be able to answer it." Tim warned; his gut telling him that Tony was getting ready to ask the one question Tim did not want to answer.

"What was it that you were dealing with; that kept you thinking every day of going thru with what you started that night?"

Tim's eyes whipped over to Gibbs; the naked pain of the possibility of having to talk about it again; plain as day.

Gibbs steadied him with an encouraging nod.

Tim laid his head back and closed his eyes. He knew that Gibbs wanted no secrets on his team; but Gibbs also respected their privacy; so where was the middle ground here?

Tony, in frustration; got up and walked into the kitchen for a drink.

"_Tim, you're gonna have to decide; to either let him in or not; but just tell him whatever it is you decide."_

"Boss, I can't talk to him about this. You know that. I can't talk to anyone about this. Except you.. You said you understood. Don't make me do this."

"_I do understand. You know I'm not making you do this. But, you also know that in order to clear the air; something's gotta give here. Just give him a reminder of the bare facts of what happened that night."_ Gibbs suggested.

Tim opened his eyes and looked at his boss. "Can't you talk to him for me?" Tim's tortured whisper tore at Gibbs' heart. The guy had been through more than enough. Maybe it would help if someone else filled in the blanks for Tony; the barest of them; anyway.

"_Yeah. I can do that. You decide what I tell him; though."_

"As little as possible, please!"

"_Ok. I'm gonna take Tony with me back to the office; you hang out here and relax; all right?"_

"Ok. He won't roll back up in here ready to take my head off , right?"

"_No, Tim' it'll be fine."_

"Thanks, Boss."

"_Welcome."_

Gibbs smiled at him and then turned and went into the kitchen to tell Tony they needed to go to the office.

Once in the car; Gibbs asked Tony where he wanted to go for an early lunch. Enroute to Tony's choice; Gibbs began explaining what Tim had not previously told Tony about that night.

"_Tony, when you got to the hotel room that night; and you packed up Tim's things; what exactly did you have to pack up?"_ Gibbs began by asking.

"Some clothes; some shower and shaving stuff; his badge, id and gun." Tony answered. "Why, Gibbs?"

"_There's a bigger part of what happened that night that Tim has kept locked away inside himself, Tony. It was too painful for him to let anyone in on. That's what's kept him wanting to end it all; every day; not you. Although they way he interepreted your choice of looking after him; only made it worse for him"._

"I'm not following you. Gibbs."

"_Tony, you every put together one of those flip photo things where; when you flip thru the photos in the stack; they appear to be like watching a movie?"_

"Yeah, I know what you're talking about."

"_Okay. Take one of those; input what Tim told you that night; and add it all up. Tell me what you get."_

Tony's mind went back to that night and he remembered that Tim had told him about dating the girl; getting tricked; the stupid party; they guys the drink; and the memories it had all triggered of something that had happened when he was 10. He also remembered that Tim had not given him any details.

"Which part, Gibbs? "

"_Tony; we're talking about two separate traumatic events here. The one when he was ten; and the one that ended in that party. Now when you take each event; insert flashes of vivid memory into one of those photo stacks; and flip through them; whattaya get?"_

"Oh!"

"_You seeing it now? Okay; in Tim's version; you need to add a note they left him; thanking him for his generosity while telling him he had just been useful; but wasn't good enough. AND replace the memory of the party with an actual stack of video stills; taken when'd he'd been too drugged to know what was going on. Because they left him that too.!"_ Gibbs voice was vibrating with the anger he once again felt on Tim's behalf._ "Then, stack them on top of each other; and flip through them over and over again."_

"Oh, hell!" Tony wasn't dumb. He got it. He knew now; exactly why Tim had never been able to shake the desire to end it all; it had all been stuck in his head in perfect clarity.

_"Tony, neither one of you have been sleeping for a long time now.. You can't sleep because you can't the picture out of your head of how you found him that night; and he can't sleep because these flip photo shows; the real photos and the memories are all, to this day; still locked in his head. That's why I asked you to play a funny movie last night; to hopefully help him replace some of that crap with something better."_

"Oh HELL!" was all Tony could say. He closed his eyes; suddenly overwhelmed with the reality of the much more detailed picture of what Tim had endured. Suddenly, Tony realized; that knowing; Gibbs; there was more; things he wasn't saying. "What else is there?" Tony asked.

_"What makes you think that there's more?"_ Gibbs asked quietly.

"I know you. There's always more." Tony explained.

_"Then you know if it was mine to tell; I would have told you already. I'm telling you what Tim is comfortable with you knowing; barely."_ Gibbs explained.

"Why? What's his deal?" Tony felt a little hurt.

_"Tony, he's very vulnerable right now and he can't take any of this backfiring on him. What you think of him is important to him; so is your respect."_

"It certainly would have changed the way I handled things if I had known! This whole damn thing could have been a lot less painful; for everybody!"

_"Tony; are you a mind reader? Is Tim? You certainly didn't talk to each other. Just let this go. Let it wash under the bridge. You both need to be able to move on. This team needs to reconnect."_ Gibbs reminded him.

"Yeah. I know. What do we do now?" Tony asked.

_"We wait. Let Tim have the meeting with the Director and me; and we take it from there."_

"Oh Hell!" Tony thought.


	22. It's All Good

As soon as Gibbs and Tony left the driveway; Tim; breathing a sigh of relief; went and collected his things from the guest bedroom. Feeling stifled and in need of some distance and privacy; he wrote Gibbs a note; loaded his car and left for home;

* * *

The rest of the drive was spent in quiet contemplation. After Tony and Gibbs had ordered the food; and headed back to work; the silence actually became almost suffocating for Tony. In an effort to escape into a cat nap; only to have his efforts interrupted by Gibbs.

_"Tony, anything else on your mind; about Tim?_"

"Not work related." Tony answered honestly without hesitation

_"What's it about?_" Gibbs was slightly concerned.

"NOT work related." Tony repeated. Gibbs understood this meant it wasn't up for discussion; yet.

_"Are you completely prepared to have him back on the team?_" Gibbs wanted to know.

"I wasn't prepared to NOT have him on the team, Boss.." Tony shot back; surprised by the question..

_"I don't think any of us were._" Gibbs admitted quietly; the fact that they'd come close to having that happen still unsettled him. _"We're gonna have to make changes in the way some things are handled on the team." Are you prepared for that?_" Gibbs pushed.

"If you mean, am I prepared to cut the "having fun at probie's expense' then the answer is; 'you shouldn't even have to ask me that after what we've just gotten out of him and gotten him to work through'! But, habits are hard to break and it will take me time to get it right."

_"I know it will take time, Tony; but I think as long as visable efforts are made towards those changes; we'll be fine."_ Gibbs reassured him.

"Won't be okay until we get past that stupid meeting you and Tim have with the Director." Tony grumbled.

_"We'll be okay, Tony."_ Gibbs promised him.

* * *

When Tim got to his apartment; he took care of Jethro's needs; including a much deserved walk to the dog park. After he'd allowed the poor dog to wear himself out; he took them home; where they both crashed on his bed; and blissfully let sleep claim them.

Once back at NCIS; Tony quietly got busy helping Ziva catch up on busy work with cold cases. Gibbs picked up his phone and tried to call Tim; getting his voicemail immediately. This wasn't something Tim ever did; which raised an alarm for Gibbs. Putting his phone on speaker; he hit the button for the lab.

"Gibbs!" Abby was happy to finally hear from the boss.

"Abby, put a trace on Tim's phone." Gibbs ordered."Then come up here and get some lunch.

"Gibbs! Why are we tracing his phone? Is he okay?" Abby asked in concern.

"All I'm getting is his voicemail, Abby. Just trace it." Gibbs bit back his frustration at having to explain himself.

"Yes, Bossman." Abby answered; now genuinely concerned.

Abby arrived in the squad room moments later with the search results. "He's at his apartment. He probably turned his phone off to catch a nap."

"Damn. Never be...." Gibbs let it drop; despite being upset that Tim had broken one of his rules. He was relieved the young man wasn't in any trouble.

* * *

Tim woke up slightly disorientated; until his cognitive awareness kicked in and he realized he was in his own apartment. For the first time in a long time; he no longer felt like the world was on his shoulders. Getting up; he checked his phone for missed messages; realizing he'd been sleeping for a couple of hours.

_"Damn!" _he said; realizing he'd accidentally turned his phone off. _"Gibbs is gonna be pissed!_" He hit the speed dial for Gibbs and got no answer. Hitting the speed dial for Gibbs' desk; he got Tony.

"Agent Gibbs' desk" Tony answered. Since Gibbs had stepped out for coffee.

"Tony, is something wrong with Gibbs? I can't reach him on his cell." Tim said instead of a greeting.

"Hey, Tim; no; he's fine; as a matter of fact he's coming back in right now. Hang on a sec." Tony handed the phone to Gibbs as he came back to his desk.

"Tim?"

"Boss, I'm sorry; I didn't mean to turn my phone off." Tim hurriedly apologised.

"Don't worry about it; as long as you call when you're in trouble." Gibbs assurred him.

"Of course. I'm getting ready to reschedule that meeting for tomorrow, if I can; if that's okay with you, Boss." Tim told him. "I doubt she would see us this afternoon."

"When ever you get it fit in; is fine with me, Tim"

"What about those questions she's gonna ask? I don't know how to answer them without getting fired." Tim agonized.

"Yeah, I guess we need to talk about that beforehand; huh? Okay, why don't you go ahead with setting it up for tomorrow?" Gibbs suggested.

"Okay, Boss." Tim answered.

"Let me know what the final time is," Gibbs requested.

"Will do, Boss." Tim promised as he rang off.

Gibbs frowned. He'd completely forgotten about that dilemma. Well, they'd have to figure that out tonight. They'd figure something out. Shaking his head; he returned his attention to the casework in front of him.

Tim called Cynthia and requested his meeting be set up for as early as possible the next day. Cynthia gave him the earliest time the Director was available; Nine O'clock. Pleased that they wouldn't have to wait all day to get it over with; Tim called Gibbs back.

"Yeah. Gibbs." Gibbs answered his phone as usual.

"Nine O'clock in the morning, Boss." Tim told him without wasting any of his time.

"That's fine. Don't make any plans for tonight. Be at my house for dinner; we'll talk about it then; seven sharp." Gibbs directed. "You can crash in the guest room; if you want; instead of driving back and forth until after the meeting. You can bring Jethro; if you want." Gibbs allowed.

"Okay. Thanks, Boss." Tim responded. "See you then." as he rang off

Gibbs silently contemplated whether or not he needed any more team input into getting past the inevitable questions that would come up. He knew that Tim still needed to talk to Ducky; as the M.E. had been so excluded from everything the young man had gone through; he would need to hear from Tim; why he had handled things that way. Maybe having Ducky over to dinner would take care of both needs in one fell swoop.

Gibbs got up and headed down to Autopsy. Ducky was in the midst of doing inventory.

"Duck." Gibbs greeted.

"Jethro, what can I do for you.?" Ducky was surprised to see him there; as there was no current case.

"Dinner, with Tony and Tim; my place; seven o'clock." Gibbs answered.

"That would be fine, Jethro." Ducky answered; with a flash of something in his eyes that Gibbs wasn't sure he liked.

"Duck?" Gibbs asked.

"Jethro?" Ducky didn't understand what the younger man was searching for.

"Come-on, Ducky; I can see it in your eyes. I noticed it the other night at dinner. You're upset because Tim didn't come to you with his problems while I was in Mexico."

"Very astute, as usual, Jethro." Ducky quietly admitted.

"Ducky; you need to talk to him about this. Believe me, he had his reasons.

"Oh, I'm sure he did, Jethro." Ducky allowed.

"Know this, Duck; those reasons were serious enough that he was willing to go through it all alone; even though he needed your help badly." Gibbs quietly told him. "Trust me; it was not an easy choice for him to have made. Promise me, Duck; that you'll talk to him about it tonight." Gibbs requested.

"Of course, Jethro." Ducky promised; being caught off guard that Gibbs apparently understood exactly what was going on; on both sides of this coin.

Gibbs smiled at the M.E. before turning to leave Autopsy and head back upstairs. Once in the elevator; Gibbs called Tony.; stopping the elevator between floors for the conversation .

"Boss?" Tony answered.

"Tony; Tim and Ducky are gonna be eating dinner with us. We need to discuss the meeting that's set for nine in the morning. Order something in; will ya? Dinner's at 7."

"Sure. Okay." Tony answered.

Gibbs returned to the squad room and dove back into work. Tony continued to work with Ziva and the afternoon progressed with no further interruptions.

Since it was a quiet day; with no new case; Gibbs called it a night at 5 on the dot; giving everyone a reason to smile.

* * *

Tim arrived at Gibbs' at 6:30; too nervous and uptight to wait any longer. Now that he was here; his anxiety level was rising steadily. The more he thought of this meeting; the more upset he got. Jethro patiently waited for Tim to let him out of the car. Tim couldn't find the strength to even open his car door; his energy zapped by the weight of the worry he'd heaped back on himself. With his arms resting on the steering wheel; he put his head down on his arms and tried to pull himself together. His cell phone rang; startling him slightly; but allowing him to focus on something else. Looking at the caller i.d; he couldn't help but grin.

"Boss?"

"You gonna sit out there and think this to death all night; or you gonna get your ass in here and talk to us about it?" Gibbs asked dryly. "Put that goofy dog of yours in the back yard and get in here!"

"Yes, Boss!" Tim laughed; almost giddy with relief. Getting out of the car, finally; he snapped Jethro's leash on him and walked him to the backyard gate; releasing him from his leash; once he was safely inside. Walking up to the back porch; Tim was met by Gibbs; who gestured for him to sit in one of the chairs there.

"You've gotten yourself pretty worked up over this meeting." Gibbs told him.

"Yeah, I guess I have." Tim admitted.

"You need to put that aside for now and think about something else that needs your attention." Gibbs informed him quietly.

"What's that?" Tim asked nervously.

"Ducky."

"I don't understand." Tim admitted. "I mean, I noticed the other night; he seemed a little different; but I couldn't put my finger on it." Tim reasoned out.

"Tim, he's not blind. He saw you going through something very serious; watched you spiral out of control; not knowing what any of it was; but knowing you never went to him for any of it. Knowing him the way you do; you should have a good idea of what's on his mind." Gibbs reminded him. "And, you'll remember, that Tony shared some of his frustration with him; without going into anything specific; when Ducky told him he'd been too hard on you."

"Oh, God! Do you think he took it personally? Boss! How am I supposed to ...."

"You know better than to think he won't understand, Tim; just talk to him about it. How much or how little is up to you."

"No. It's not." Tim dejectedly reminded him. "If it was; I would have talked to him about it before it ever got any where near as bad as it did! What good will telling him now, do? Just hurt him all that much more! "

"That's a good point, Tim. I guess you'll just have to feel the situation out; when it comes up." Gibbs reasoned. Come on. Dinner's probably here and Ducky probably is, too."

As they went inside; Tim felt less worried about tomorrow's meeting; refocused now on what he could and should say to Ducky. He'd so desperately wanted to confide in the M.E. when Gibbs first left; but hadn't wanted to add to the man's obvious hurt over Gibbs' abrupt departure.

And when everything else started happening; he'd lost sight of the help Ducky could have provided. Certainly, when it had gotten to the point where Tim had been scaring everyone with his obvious troubled state; he could have taken himself into Ducky's confidence; but was afraid to jeaporidise the M.E.'s job or worse; cross the line into something that Ducky would have had to report..

When they reached the kitchen; it was to find Ducky already present; helping Tony carry everything into the dining room. Ducky seemed to be pleased to see Tim; which was a relief. As they all sat down to dinner, Tim felt overcome with nerves but wasn't sure why.

Gibbs decided the serious talking could wait until they'd enjoyed the meal. Taking advantage of the rare "guys night" feel to the atmosphere; Gibbs enjoyed the easy banter that started between Tony and Ducky; and took off from there; eventually including Tim and Gibbs, as well.

After dinner; when they'd settled into the living room to talk; Tim, again; felt nervous and hoped that someone would lead this conversation; because he sure didn't know how to do it. Gibbs noticed his level of nerves and decided to make it easy on him.

"Ducky, tell Tim why you're upset with him." Gibbs requested.

"I'm not upset with him so much as I am confused; I fail to understand why you could not come to me; especially, since Jethro was not available, Timothy."

"Ducky, I couldn't come to you. You were obviously really upset with Gibbs leaving so abruptly; like we all were. But since you have a closer friendship with him; it was obvious you were more affected by his leaving. How was I supposed to add to that?" Tim tried to explain.

"Oh, Timothy; you and those manners of yours!" Ducky exclaimed in frustration.

"Trust me, Ducky; I wished I had gone to you; but at the same time; I'm glad I didn't add to your burdens. I wish I could have come to you with everything before they got as bad as they did; and before I dragged Tony into it; but it's done now. I hope that you'll forgive me."

"Of course, Timothy." Ducky exclaimed. "As long as you know that should you ever need to talk; I am here."

"Thanks, Ducky." Tim answered.

"How do we explain things getting so out of hand, to the Director?" Tony asked; wanting this whole ordeal to be over. He'd found unanswered questions running around in his head; and until this was over; he'd have no answers.

"I think, I can get by with the truth; even though it'll be pretty vague." Tim offered. "I'll just tell her that the reason I didn't talk to anyone sooner; is I didn't think anyone would listen. I don't think she'll think to dig deeper than that; do you?" Tim asked, looking at Gibbs.

"No. She'll probably just shoot daggers at me for letting you believe that." Gibbs answered dryly.

After coming up with some viable alternatives and discussing what changes would work for the team as a whole and as individuals; the guys called it a night on serious talk; and turned their attentions to a healthy game of poker.

The camaraderie beginning to build back up between the younger agents; was nice to see; and both Gibbs and Ducky relished it. As the evening wore on; the two older men withdrew more and more from the banter; both more than happy to let the younger two build on their relationship.

Ducky bid them all a good night while he was still awake enough to drive. Once the M.E. had called it a night; Tim and Tony; did as well. Tim quickly retreated to the back yard to fetch his dog and hit the sack in the guest room.

Tony fell asleep on the couch; content to crash there for the night. Gibbs didn't argue the point. Exhaustion was in full supply for all of them; and by ten; all of them were happy to be letting sleep claim them.

* * *

After a relatively stress free early morning; Tim found his nerves twisting on him once again; as he climbed the stairs to the Director's Office. Gibbs had already gone up; wanting to talk to her alone before Tim got there.

Once in the outer office; Tim began to sweat; his legs began to shake and his heart began to pound in his ears. Why the panic? He had to sit and seriously pull himself together. Realizing that Cynthia had already told him to go on in; but unable to think beyond his rising panic; he remained in the chair.

Cynthia called the Director.

"Yes, Cynthia?" Jenny asked; her phone on speaker.

"Ma'am, Agent McGee is unable to move at the moment. It looks like a panic attack."

Gibbs bolted for the door; walking through it and closing it behind him faster than Jenny could blink.

"Thank you, Cynthia. Go ahead and take a break. Agent Gibbs will take care of it." Jenny answered.

After Cynthia left for her break; Gibbs squatted down in front of his agent; concern etched in his face.

"Hey. come on; stop this. We talked about this." Gibbs quietly admonished.

Tim blinked; bringing his focus back to what was being said around him. Looking at Gibbs; he felt stupid and embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Boss."

"Don't apologise. Pull yourself together and let's get in there." Gibbs instructed.

"I'm ready, Boss." Tim answered; taking a deep breath and standing up.

"Okay, then; let's go."


	23. Looks Like We Made It!

A/N : Ok; Here it is! The Final Chapter

WARNING THIS CHAPTER TALKS MORE OPENLY; ALTHOUGH NOT EXPLICITLY; OF THE GIBBS/TONY/MCGEE PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP!

For those of you who have stayed with me till the end; THANK YOU!

A Sequel is in the planning stages!

DISCLAIMER: I Do not own NCIS or its Characters.

* * *

Upon entering the Director's office; Tim was directed to the love seat as Gibbs took the chair that allowed him to watch both his agent and the Director; affording him the opportunity to head any rising problem off at the pass. It also gave him the chance to monitor Jen's reactions; and since he always could read her well; he would be able to better gage how things were gonna go.

Jenny knew just by looking at the young agent in front of her; not to mention the way Gibbs had quickly been able to talk him down from his panic attack just now; that Agent McGee was not going to go through with his resignation. In fact, the young man wouldn't be going anywhere. He had reconnected with his Team Leader. She knew that whatever the problem had been; it had been serious and damaging to the team; but mostly to for the young man currently sitting in front of her looking like he was facing a firing squad. Yet; his faith and confidence in his team leader had obviously been restored; at least to the level that he once again looked to him for guidance and support in times of stress.

Knowing that whatever the serious problem had been; dragging the discussion out or going into details that weren't crucial to the "Official" questions that needed to be answered; would serve no purpose here. In fact; that would only serve to undermine the primary goal; getting this team back to its' crack investigative best.

"Agent McGee; I called this meeting to discuss your submitted resignation. Since you requested this meeting be moved up a day; I can only conclude that you have already made your decision and are willing to stand by it?"

"Yes, Ma'am." Tim answered truthfully.

"And that decision would be what, exactly, Agent McGee?" Jenny asked in her best Director's tone.

"I respectfully request that my resignation be nullified and voided. Ma'am." Tim admitted.

"And, why is that, exactly, Agent McGee?" Jenny asked in genuine curiosity as well as official inquiry.

"I have no desire to leave my current placement; my current team; or this agency, Ma'am." Tim admitted; feeling like a two-year old being scolded for wrong doing.

"Agent McGee; this Agency does not operate at the whim of its' agents. Your decision has affected your team; which in turn; affected this agency. Your team was taken off the active case roster; to take care of this situation. What can you tell me that lets me believe this will not happen again?"

"Director; I messed up; I made a bad judgement call in not talking things out with my supervisor before they got out of control; because I was under the misconception that he was not willing to listen to what I needed him to hear. I have been advised of the error of that bad judgement and I give you my word that this will not happen again." Tim explained.

"When you were advised of the error of your judgement; did you allow your supervisor adequate time to work on the problem before you submitted your resignation?" Jenny pushed the issue.

"No, Ma'am; I did not." Tim admitted in guilt.

"And why is that, Agent McGee?" Jenny continued to push; wanting him to remember everything about this bad decision so he didn't do it again.

"I lost my temper and after I yelled at him; I came to the conclusion that since Agent Gibbs doesn't tolorate disrespect; he would no long want an agent on his team that had so blatently disrespected him; as I had just done." Tim explained with embarrassment.

Gibbs had to smile. The poor kid was holding his own against Jenny's "No nonsense" official questions; which were heading into the "interrogation" territory very quickly. He sent a frown in Jenny's direction; not appreciating her pushiness.

Jenny did not miss the frown; nor the message behind it; and decided to soften her approach just a tad. The poor kid wasn't after all; in official trouble; she just didn't want to have to go through this again with him.

"McGee; let's take the "official" questions off the table for a moment." Jenny suggested. She hadn't wanted to go this route; but wanted more answers. Maybe this was the quickest way to get them.

Tim panicked. This was just what he'd been afraid of. He closed his eyes; trying desperately to hide the panic and fear; needing to re-focus before he said something to screw things up. Jenny only saw a nervous agent trying to think. Gibbs saw the emotions filter through Tim's eyes unhidden; he'd been watching for it, actually. He hoped Jenny would watch her step here.

"Why don't you tell me what the problem was?" Jenny suggested.

"I couldn't handle being treated like a Freshman Frat kid at initiation week; endlessly. When I complained, I was ignored. After taking it for as long as I could; I requested some leave time. Agent Gibbs tried to talk to me about what was bothering me. I blew up at him because he'd waited until I had allowed everything to build up. I shouldn't have waited so long. End of story." Tim patiently explained; hoping against hope that this would satisfy her need for answers.

"Agent McGee, I know you better than that and I know Agent Gibbs better than that." Jenny was annoyed. It hadn't been that simple; she knew that.

"He's telling the truth, Director!" Agent Gibbs spoke for the first time since the meeting had begun; and his tone left no question; he was pissed. "Agent McGee has never lied to you and he's never lied to me!"

Jenny; never been accused of being clueless; understood the message in both the anger and the words. Her unofficial pushing was going too far. Even though the question sounded official; the depth of private answers she was pushing for was too much to ask for. She'd been given her answers and she needed to leave well enough alone.

"All right, Agent McGee, tell me, please; how you resolved the problems cited in your proposed letter of resignation." Jenny once again brought things back to "official".

"With the help of my teammates and most especially, Agent Gibbs, Ma'am. Once he assured me that they would listen; that I had been wrong to think they wouldn't; we were able to talk out the things that had been a problem for me."

"So, your official explanation is as simple as that?" Jenny pushed.

"Yes, Ma'am." Tim replied; feeling like the bone that the big dog just wouldn't let go of.

"Agent McGee; you've never stricken me as a quitter. Is it in your nature to quit because you're tired of being picked on?" Jenny asked in obvious disbelief.

"Director Shepard, I'd like to call for a break." Gibbs interjected in frustration. _Jeez, why wouldn't she just let this go?_

"Boss, it's okay, I can answer that." Tim sent Gibbs a look of gratitude mixed with determination. "Director; you're right; I'm not a quitter and usually it would take a lot more for me to give up on something than that. But, you have to understand that this was an ongoing thing; has been since I got here; and because it meant one thing to the ones who were doing it; and the total opposite for me; who was on the recieving end; it spiraled out of control for me; in the way I took it all in."

"The problem has been sorted out; talked through and worked out. I really appreciate your assistance in this; with giving us the time off work to accomplish this before it became a part of my permanent record." Tim gave one last desperate effort into getting her to call it a done deal.

Jenny contemplated Tim's answer for a long silent minute. Looking at Jethro; she didn't miss the pride currently evident on his face; as he watched his agent explain himself. And while she wasn't happy that McGee wouldn't go into any details about the actual issues he'd had with his team; she knew that McGee's tough exterior hid a sensitive nature; he looked out for others before he looked out for himself; so it had in all likelihood; gotten pretty bad before he'd every said anything in complaint. And if he was unwilling to go into detail about any of it; she would grudgingly respect his decision on it.

"All right, Agent McGee. I do need to know what specifically convinced you that you were "_No longer competent to be a member of NCIS_." and _"Have been deemed not good enough for the team of Leroy Jethro Gibbs."?_

Tim recalled the pain he'd felt flowing through him at the time he'd typed those words straight out of his hurting heart. Now; after everything that Gibbs had listened to; taken in; accepted; willingly talked him through; apologised for; and even pushed to know; so that he wouldn't be holding onto anything else; all without a single negatve response from him in return; Tim felt like those words were now a written slap in the face of his surrogate father that he'd just reconnected with. It hurt him to even hear the words he'd written. They left him feeling like scum.

Gibbs; once again; witnessed the emotions rolling through Tim's eyes; as his agent heard the words he'd written. He knew that Tim regretted even typing that letter of resignation and the guilt was beginning to once again fill his heart; and would soon bury him if Gibbs didn't do something to stop it. The young man had no need of going back down this road and it wasn't gonna happen on Gibbs' watch.

In a move designed to deliberately pull his agent's attention away from his current rising tide of emotions; Gibbs schooled his features and his tone so that it came across exactly as he needed it to; getting his attention without any sign of anger.

"Tim."

Tim silently gave Gibbs his attention; his heart still in his eyes. It was blatently obvious; he felt he had done Gibbs so seriously wrong; it was unrecoverable. Gibbs knew the kid was worried about both his boss' feelings and about where he stood with him.

"Tell us what was going through your mind when you were typing your resignation up." Gibbs quietly encouraged with his eyes; his tone; and accompanying smile. He wanted no room left for doubt that it was okay for Tim to be honest with this.

Tim nodded his head at his boss; but couldn't find the words to explain himself. Thinking back to the night of lost tempers; lost control; and volcanic eruptions of words; Tim could only grimace as he finally answered the question.

"Reaction, Boss. Pure reaction. I had just blown up at you and Tony and knew that I had crossed the line doing it the way I did. It left me feeling like i had no choice but to remove myself from your team before you were forced; on principal; to do it yourself. I knew it would look better if i did it to myself before you did it to me. I figured I wasn't needed any more anyway; since I hadn't been sent out in the field in so long." Tim's eyes were rapidly filling with regret as he continued to look Gibbs in the eye with the honest answer he'd asked for.

Jenny silently marveled at the way McGee was so comfortable with being brutally honest with Gibbs; but unable to explain himself in any sense of comfort to her. It was apparent that there was no further need to drag this out. The answers had been given and the problem had obviously been taken care of.

"Agent McGee, are there any unresolved issues that makes this a possibility of happening again?" Jenny asked her final question.

"No, Ma'am." Tim answered in a surprisingly shaky voice. as he fought hard to hide the piece of untruth he'd forced himself to answer her with.

Jenny bought the answer with no questions asked. Gibbs; however; hadn't missed the shakiness in the voice and knew that Tim was hiding something. He recalled the conversation from the other day.

* * *

_"__This what you weren't telling me this morning?"_

_"Not everything. No."  
_

_"__Wouldn't you rather go ahead and get it all out and over with?" _

_The horror stricken look left no need for words._

_"__Is it as bad as this?"_

_"NO! Apples and oranges"_

_"__Then what's the problem?"_

_"It's not work related, directly."_

_"__Okay. Again, what's the problem?"_

_"Are you serious? After what Tony just told you? Especially after what Tony just told you?"_

_"__TIM!"_

_"I can't. Not yet._"

* * *

"All right, then. I will keep this off your official record. Consider your letter of resignation nullified and void. However; should this happen again; I will be forced to place a letter of Reprimand in your file, Agent McGee." Jenny interrupted Gibbs thoughts with her final announcement.

"Yes, Ma'am." Tim answered quietly as he realized he had just boxed himself into a corner. While he wanted to stay on Gibbs' team; his one last burning question; which could only be asked of and answered by Gibbs himself; left him feeling like he was dangling out of an aircraft at 3500 feet; having just thrown away his own backup parachute. Swallowing hard; Tim waited for her to dismiss him.

"That will be all, Agent McGee." Jenny finally let him go; knowing he'd had probably taken all he could handle.

* * *

When Tim left the Director's office; he wasn't ready to face anyone. Having to answer her last; but most potentially damaging question less than honestly; had shaken him to the core; in more ways than one way. He needed time to pull himself together.

He hated lying; but he feared the vulnerability he now felt down deep even more. He had just given away his only way out. He was now stuck with whatever situation arose from Gibbs' answer to the last most personal and painful question burning painfully in Tim's heart.

He'd just spent the last 3 days letting Gibbs help him unbury everything else he'd been weighed down with; except this one last remaining hurt. It was such a deep one; that he wasn't sure he was up to hearing the answer to the question it demanded be asked. He had found the courage; with Gibbs' help; to ask all the other questions he'd needed answers to; did he have the courage to ask this one? If he did; he sure didn't know where it he'd hidden it.

Taking himself quietly to the back stairwell; he sat down on the landing; resting his head against the wall; stretching his feet out in front of him; as he allowed himself to let his mind go blank; closing his eyes; in an attempt to relax.

* * *

Gibbs remained sitting in Jenny's Office once Tim had left; waiting to hear what she had yet to say. He knew her. She wasn't satisfied.

"Jethro, what isn't he telling me?" She asked in frustration.

"Whatever it is that you didn't ask him." Gibbs answered her truthfully.

"You know what I mean!" She angrily exclaimed.

"Director, if you have more official questions for him; I suggest you call him back up here and ask them. But it sounded to me like you already gave him the official decision in this matter." Gibbs answered her; his voice full of anger. He hated it when she did this; used their connected history in an attempt to get information from him. Getting to his feet; he headed for the door; every step full of radiating anger. When she made no further comment; he left her office and headed for the elevator.

While he usually took the front stairs down to the squad room; right now, he needed to pull himself together. She had tried to put Tim through the ringer and had certainly had pushed him to his limits; but thankfully; hadn't succeeded in going too far. Watching it hadn't been easy. Sitting on his temper had been even harder. Gibbs needed to be under control when he appeared back in front of the young man; not wanting him to think he was in trouble.

What was it that so bothered Tim that he'd allowed himself to be less than 100% honest to the Director? It obviously was painful for him; as evident in his the shakiness of his voice. He hadn't been able to hide the emotion that whatever it was; brought up in him. Gibbs wished he could get him to open up about it. Maybe he would be able to get that accomplished after work tonight; so the kid could be well and truly free of everything he'd been carrying around.

Reaching the squad room level; Gibbs schooled his emotions and his face as he stepped out of the elevator; prepared to check on Tim's state of mind. Looking past Tony and Ziva; both hard at work on cold cases; Gibbs was startled to find Tim's desk empty.

"Where's Tim?" Gibbs asked to both present agents.

Tony and Ziva both looked up at Gibbs; over to Tim's desk; and back to Gibbs.

"I haven't seen him." came the simultaneous answers.

"Check with Ducky and Abby. I'm going for coffee. When you find him; tell him to call me." Gibbs instructed trying to keep the concern out of his voice.

Tony and Ziva both picked up the phone; each calling one of the two people they hoped currently knew where Tim was. Gibbs was worried and he had just come from a meeting with their fellow agent. This was not looking good.

After they'd gotten confirmation that neither Ducky nor Abby had seen Tim; Tony; completely concerned now; called Gibbs.

"Yeah. Gibbs."

"Boss, Abby and Ducky; both say they haven't seen him and he's not in the head; I check." Tony said; concern evident in his tone.

"Okay. I'll handle it." Gibbs promised.

"Boss!" Tony let his concern out in full force. He'd been feeling pretty brotherly toward Tim since the air had been cleared between them.

"Relax, Tony. I'll take care of it, I promise. I"ll find him." Gibbs promised with more conviction as he hung up the call.

Stopping in his tracks; he wrapped his mind around the facts at hand. Tim had left the Director's Office just a couple of minutes before he had. No one had seen him come down from her office. That left only one place for him to be. Turning on his heel; he hit the back stairwell and quietly began climbing up to the Director's Level. As he rounded the last landing heading up to the last door; he stopped in his tracks as his eyes found their target.

Sitting against the wall with his eyes closed and his legs stretched out in front of him; he looked like he'd managed to relax. But the fact that he'd taken himself off the grid; and allowed himself to forget time and place in the middle of the work day; was so unlike him; that alarm bells were still going off for Gibbs.

Obviously being less than honest with the Director had upset Tim more than Gibbs had even realized. Or was it the cause of the untruth that was affecting his agent like this? Gibbs decided it couldn't wait. Whatever it was needed to be addressed or at least given the promise to be addressed soon.

"Hey." he quietly called up to the young man; not wanting to startle him or let him think for a minute that he was in trouble.

Tim's eyes snapped open and his head turned toward Gibbs; an apology full of remorse already headed toward his mouth; as Gibbs cut him off at the pass.

"Relax. You're not in trouble. This time." Gibbs promised as he whipped out his phone and called Tony.

"Found him. Taking him for coffee. We'll be back in a while. Hold down the fort." Gibbs told his senior field agent.

"Great! okay. Will do, Boss." Tony agreed in relief that Tim had been found. It was unusual for Gibbs to take any of them for coffee; especially in the middle of the work day. But, then again; this had been an unusual week.

Gibbs and Tim were still in the stairwell; Tim getting to his feet as Gibbs put his phone away.

"Talk to me." Gibbs requested.

"I can't. Not here." Tim quietly admitted.

"Sounds like the best reason to get that coffee." Gibbs excused with a smile.

Leaving the stairwell; they took the elevator to the ground floor; signing out to go get coffee. Once they'd begun walking toward the coffee shop; Gibbs once again; approached the question.

"You told me the other day that there was something you couldn't tell me yet . That it wasn't the right time to talk about it." Gibbs reminded him.

"I remember." Tim answered quietly.

"It's a new day; everything else has been handled?" Gibbs asked trying to pave the way for Tim to open up to him.

"Yes. Thank you for that." Tim responded with abject gratitude.

"I'm still listening." Gibbs patiently reminded him. "What is it that has you less than 100% honest in your answer to the Director's last question? Whatever it is; is hurting you and you need to let it out."

Tim's astonishment at Gibbs reading him so astutely was written on his face.

"Tim, It was in your voice when you answered her question; and you've never taken yourself off the grid like this in the middle of the work day; no less. That spells serious." Gibbs explained; knowing his agent would be unsettled without the explanation.

"I don't know how to explain it." Tim hedged.

"Why not? You've done a damn good job of explaining the mountain of stuff you were carrying around so far."

Tim stopped walking. "This is so personal." he admitted; not looking at Gibbs.

"And everything else wasn't?" Gibbs had stopped walking too; but was steadily watching Tim for his unhidden emotions as they made themselves known in their usual way; in his eyes.

"For you."

"You lost me."

I told you I know I would never be good enough." Now it was Tim's turn to do the reminding.

"Yeah; I remember and I gave you my answer to that."

"As my boss."

"Okay."

"Not as a person who _isn't_ my boss."

Gibbs was shocked. Was Tim really telling him what he thought Tim was telling him? "You're telling me..."

Tim started walking again; embarrassment and shame lighting a fire under his footsteps now. He'd never be able to look Gibbs in the eye again.

"Tim, Stop!" Gibbs directed.

Tim stopped mid-stride but did not look back at Gibbs. In fact; he wouldn't pick his eyes up off the ground.

Gibbs caught up to Tim and looked him over for a second. Yeah, Gibbs could see it. Hell, he even understood it; now. The genuine; unburied motivation behind Tim's build up of anger and resentment; his eventual blow up and subsequent attempted resignation. It all made even more sense now; than it had before.

Sure; what he'd been through while Gibbs was gone; had had a hell of a lot to do with all that; but this; this lay at the bottom of it all. Unresolved; festering; hurting; spiraling into other negative thoughts that had eventually grown like weeds; strangling Tim's sense of self-worth; fed by his insecurities and the way he was treated by Tony and Gibbs; who were ignorant of their own culpability in it all.

"I understand it now." Gibbs quietly assured him. There was no anger; no censure; no ridicule. All Gibbs gave was pure understanding.

"I'm sorry." Tim felt obliged to offer; knowing deep down inside this wasn't his place; to be questioning Gibbs on this personal level. Yet, it had raised such painful doubts in himself; he was driven to hear the answer.

"You have nothing to apologise for." Gibbs told him seriously.

"I know it's not fair of me to ask you something so personal." Tim explained. "I have no right to even expect you to answer it."

"Why not? It's not like you created the situation. It''s not your fault you were completely disregarded and disrespected when it came down to it." Gibbs admitted with regret. "Now that you bring my attention to it; I get it."

Tim breathed an audible sigh of relief. He then gave Gibbs an out; as if he didn't think he could handle hearing what Gibbs' answer would be anyway; "You don't have to answer the question. It's okay. I get it. Now."

_**SMACK*_*

"Thanks." Tim responded to the head slap with a small smile.

"What exactly is it that you 'get'?" Gibbs asked; frustrated with Tim's apparent acceptance of negative beliefs that he wasn't good enough."You get that you somehow aren't good enough to have the relationship with me that Tony does? That's what it is that you get?"

Tim silently nodded his head; with tears in his eyes; as he found the courage to look Gibbs in the eye; now that the older man had verbalized his last deeply hidden pain. Word for word; he'd hit the verberial nail on the head.

"Oh,Tim! It was _never_ that you weren't good enough for me! The fact is that I never realized you would feel the same way about it that Tony does and that's why it never came up between us. Tony and I are a lot alike and although you are distinctly different; that doesn't make you "not good enough" by any stretch." Gibbs quietly explained; as the last piece of the puzzle that was Tim McGee finally fell into place.

"Thank you for that." Tim replied; feeling somewhat better. It still felt like a bitter pill to swallow; that even though it wasn't actually a case of not being good enough; it was too late. He would still always be on the outside. Always knowing he didn't mean as much to Gibbs as Tony did.

"No! You should know better. But, I can see where you wouldn't. I can see where it would be hard to understand how it's possible. But, Tim; you have to know that it would never be a case of Tony being more important to me than you are!" Gibbs; astute as ever; clearly read Tim's mind.

"You're right. I don't see how it's possible. It doesn't even sound logical. Why else would you even have that relationship with him; if he didn't mean more to you than just one of your agents?" Tim angrily asked.

"I do think more of him than that. But I don't think _any less_ of you!" Gibbs admitted quietly; hoping he would understand the difference.

Tim silently brought his anger back under control. Now, he was no longer hurting in silence; he was confused. He took one last stab at trying to verbally put this in a way that he could understand it.

"So; what you're telling me is; if the question had come up between you and I; instead of you and Tony; that your answer still would have been yes?"

"Yes, Tim; that's exactly what I'm saying."

"You've never lied to me before; why would you do it now; when I need your honesty the most?" Tim cried; not able to believe he was so close to what he wanted; yet so far away. It was too late; Tony already had him. Why dangle it in front of him like that? Well; he had asked for the answer. Hadn't he?

"Tim; you know better than to believe I would lie to you! Especially about something so personal; something that would hurt you. Especially after everything you've been through!"

"I'm sorry. It's just..."

"Hard for you to accept that someone would think of you better than you've thought of yourself ?" Gibbs asked quietly.

Tim nodded; tears in his eyes.

"Hey, come here." Gibbs pulled him into an embrace and whispered into his ear. "Don't let anyone ever tell you that you're not good enough of a person! You hear me?"

Tim soaked up the hug; then stepped back; unwilling to get comfortable in something he couldn't have.

"Thank you." He headed once again toward getting coffee; seriously needing the caffeine in silence to the coffee shop; both lost in their own thoughts.

Tim knew that the time for such personal honest discussion would never come again; as Gibbs and Tony would never consider letting him in and there was no way in hell Tim would ever invite himself in. He was grateful for this opportunity to clear away the hurt that had been with him for so long. But, he had to get used to being alone; outside.

In the most awkward silence they'd shared in a long time; both agents walked the rest of the way to the coffee shop; ordered their coffee; as well as some for the rest of the team. Silently, they walked back to the office. Neither one of them had any clue what to say next. Both figured it was best left where it was at. Unhidden; yet unfinished.

Their silence continuing to stretch; tightening with unintentional tension with every passing minute; they treked back to their office building. Before they signed back in; Gibbs finally put a hand on Tim's arm and signaled for him to stop; guiding their steps back away from the building. He didn't want to leave things like this. It was a very uncomfortable place to leave it; and Tim deserved a better closure to this whole situation than this.

"Tim; I don't know where things will go from here; for you and I; for you and Tony and I; but inside the team; you're no less important than anyone else on the team. I hope you don't forget that. I know I'm gonna make damn sure the rest of us don't." Gibbs promised him.

"Thanks Boss." Tim answered; satisfied that nothing else could be done on this level. He was content. The only thing left was of less importance; and didn't include Gibbs.

They got back to the squad room and cooperatively passed out the team's coffees. Calling them all to the center of the squad room; with Abby and Ducky joining them as pre-arranged by Gibbs; they toasted the success of the rejoining of the team.

Tim silently sunk his attention back into the cold case file on his desk after he handed Ziva and Abby; and Tony each a handwritten note. Gibbs watched in interested silence as the others read their note from Tim; and each of them offered him a verbal apology in turn. Tim accepted their apologies graciously and with a smile; and for the first time that morning; the smiles he gave reached his eyes; as he looked at everyone in turn.

They'd done it. They had reconnected their broken team. They were once again; a family.

* * *


End file.
